Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Our reviews and thoughts on the latest releases, classics, and nostalgic favourites. Things we loved, things we hated, and worst of all, things we were ambivalent about.

Miss Christmas

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Her name is Holly (Brooke D’Orsay) but call her Miss Christmas – everyone else does! She’s the official tree finder for Chicago’s big tree lighting event. Those trees are enormous of course, but also need to be full, and well-shaped, and have that certain wow factor to distinguish itself among Chicago’s vibrant skyline. But this year there’s been a tree emergency – the perfect tree was damaged, and with the lighting ceremony just 10 days away, there’s a scramble to find a suitable replacement. Holly resorts to a letter written by Joey, a young boy in Wisconsin who claims to have just the ticket.

Of course, you know it’s not going to be nearly that easy: sure the tree is gorgeous, but it’s also not for sale. Little Joey is willing to part with it, but his dad Sam (Marc Blucas) is most definitely not. It’s kind of a touchy subject because the tree is actually a reminder of Sam’s recently deceased mother, and cutting it down would mean parting with that memory. Other members of the family, however, think it would be the ultimate way to honour her memory since she loved Christmas, and the lighting ceremony in particular.

Now, if, say, Holly were to fall in love with Sam, do you think that would increase her odds of landing the tree? Or do you think, at some point, perhaps she might start to identify with the family a bit more, and want to keep the tree in its proper place? And if she fails to bring a tree back to Chicago, can she legally still be called Miss Christmas? Gosh, so many edge-of-your-seat questions, and only one place to find the answers: the Hallmark channel. Merry watching.

The Christmas Waltz

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Avery (Lacey Chabert) took dance lessons as a kid but without any natural talent she eventually gave it up, but she’s always dreamed of gliding across a floor, skirts flowing, safe in the arms of her partner. What better occasion to finally realize her dreams than her upcoming Christmas wedding? Fiancé David (Jeremy Guilbaut) isn’t nearly as enthusiastic, but that’s been his general tone throughout wedding planning. Still, Avery signs up for ballroom lessons and can’t wait to start.

She’s so excited about dancing that even when David announces that he’d rather take a promotion in another city than get married in 2 weeks, Avery still shows up for her lesson. Alone. Newly single. Wearing the wrong shoes.

Dance instructor Roman (Will Kemp, a classically trained dancer known as the James Dean of ballet), is handsome and charming and just the thing a freshly dumped woman needs. Except Avery is also very hard on herself and when she fails to immediately pick up the steps, she storms out, frustrated. Guys, she’s going through something, okay? This is the visual definition of ’emotional wreckage’ and she deserves some compassion.

Thanks to the wholesome magic of Hallmark, Avery returns to the dance studio, and to Roman’s hunky arms. She dances her sadness away, and the two waltz straight into love – at least until disgruntled ex-fiancé David returns and tries to reclaim both his lady and their wedding date.

What do you think?

Will Avery ever make that second left foot right?

Will you be overcome by the sheer cheesiness of seeing Avery and Roman dance down the street à la Singing in the Rain?

Can any script possibly reference Tavern on the Green this many times without getting paid to do so?

Will Roman’s dance partner somehow be prevented from dancing in the Christmas concert, forcing Avery to take her place?

Hallmark is all about the holidays and this year I’m all about embracing any genre of film that allows people some true escapism. Plus, Will Kemp does a mean Chaplin impression that’s impossible not to be charmed by.

Christmas She Wrote

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Kayleigh (Danica McKellar) writes an advice column for a newspaper in New York City but gets canned right before the holidays. Upside: she gets to go to California for Christmas this year, where her sister and niece live. Kayleigh is of course a big fan of the holidays. The new editor, Tripp (Dylan Neal), quickly comes to regret his decision (her readers love her!), and jets out to California as well, to convince her to come back (a man who can admit he’s wrong? Now you know you’re watching the pure fantasy of a Hallmark movie!).

Tripp doesn’t count on Kayleigh being pretty bitter though, bitter enough she starts writing a Christmas column for the small local paper instead, rebuffing Tripp’s offer, which is getting more and more desperate since his own boss has now told him in no uncertain terms that if he can’t get Kayleigh back, he needn’t come back himself.

In Hallmark tradition, the pair, who seem so at odds at the beginning of the film, seem destined to fall in love by the film’s end regardless. However, the man who once broke Kayleigh’s heart (not to mention their engagement – just two weeks before their Christmas Eve wedding) is back in town, and he’s looking awfully cute – and contrite.

Will Kayleigh be enticed back to New York? Will her Christmas column manage to find love for her sister Amy, or best friend Steven? How many Christmas romances for the price of one, you ask? Only at Hallmark, folks, and only at the holidays. Enjoy.

Life In A Year

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Daryn (Jaden Smith) isn’t even a senior in high school yet but he’s got his whole life laid out in front of him, a series of goals and how to achieve them. Or rather his dad does. His dad Xavier (Cuba Gooding Jr.) is a full-time dick so intent on -seeing his son accepted into Harvard that he doesn’t mind completely destroying their relationship to get it. To Xavier, Daryn’s new girlfriend Isabelle (Cara Delevingne) is nothing more than a distraction, and he’s super rude and dismissive of her accordingly.

What Daryn’s parents don’t know is that Isabelle is a rapidly dying teenage girl, and in the great cinematic tradition of dead and dying teenagers, Daryn has resolved to give her a whole life’s worth of milestones in the single year she has left. Basically, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all; the dying teenage trope isn’t exactly original and Life In A Year isn’t exactly up to redefining the genre. Just look at that title: it’s 2/10 awful, it sounds wrong, it’s thematically meaningless, and it fails to distinguish itself from close relatives (a simple Google search confuses it with All My Life, A Year In My Life, The Worst Years of My Life, Life Itself, and more).

I never imagined I’d say this, but Jaden Smith isn’t the problem with this movie, and he’s the least problematic man among the cast. He’s mostly known for being the entitled son of Will Smith who can’t stop mistaking ignorant bullshit for poetry and philosophy. In this, he does a pretty good imitation of a decent human being, and in his best moments he briefly channels his more famous and talented father. Cara Delevingne isn’t the problem either. I’m never bowled over by her, but there’s probably not an actor in the world who could salvage this terrible material. Confusingly, director Mitja Okorn almost seems hell-bent on tanking this thing, or at least that’s what’s communicated when a film offers you two cancelled perverts for the price of one. Cuba Gooding, Jr. is of course currently on trial for forcible touching and of sex abuse to the third degree; at last count 30 women had accused him of groping. Disgraced comedian Chris D’Elia stands accused of grooming young girls and attempting to solicit nude photographs from minors. He’s also been accused of sexual misconduct by grown women, alleging that he exposes himself randomly and masturbates in front of them without consent. Mitja Okorn is the guy who said: yes, please, I’d like to work with both. Grade A stuff.

But this movie doesn’t need perverts to dissuade you, it’d be bad either way. It’s formulaic and poorly written and the characters are bizarrely one-dimensional (Daryn has a friend whose single personality trait is that he used to be fat. He isn’t even fat anymore!) or just don’t make any sense at all (D’Elia plays a “drag queen” named Phil who, though we never see him perform, is always in drag – has the script confused profession with identity?). No matter how you slice or dice it, Life In A Year (ugh, terrible title, still not over it) is a failure and there’s not a soul in the world who needs to see it.

You Are My Home

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Alexandra (Eva Ariel Binder) goes through something most young American girls never will: when ICE shows up at her door, her mother suddenly disappears from her life, leaving Alex to fend for herself when a family friend is also apprehended. Social worker Sloane (Alyssa Milano) has seen an increase in these cases lately, and the local group homes are all full. That’s how Alex goes to live with Sloane’s friend Chloe (Angel Parker) for a while; it’s a temporary fix, but at least it’s a nice home with a warm bed where Alex will be safe while Sloane attempts to track down her mother and make other arrangements.

Chloe’s consent was pretty lackluster, but she’s got her reasons for that. She’s lived alone, and lonely, with the ghosts of her dead son and husband, for many years. Having a kid in the house again stirs up a lot of tough memories, and she doesn’t always react well to them. Meanwhile, Alex is also understandably acting out. And just when the two start to warm up to each other, something else comes along to knock them for a loop. And so close to Christmas!

This movie has a Hallmark Christmas movie feel to it, with a slight social justice touch that occasionally feels a little forced. The budget is low and so is the quality, and the corniness robs it of its tearjerker power (or it did for me, and I’m a crier). I didn’t love this movie. It’s trying just a little too hard with too little, but its heart is in the right place, and families separated by invisible borders is a tragedy that could use a little light.

A Cheerful Christmas

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Lauren (Erica Deutschman) and Colleen (Tianna Nori) have found a way to channel their mutual love of Christmas into a career: Christmas coaching! Between you and me, Christmas coaching seems terribly seasonal and not a great business model for year-round solvency, but it would defeat the purpose of a Hallmark movie to think too deeply about their business’s viability so let’s just pretend this makes sense as a career move. And in that spirit, we’ll also gloss over the fact that just days before Christmas they have no clients. I mean, if nothing else, it’s terribly convenient to the plot that when the “aristocratic” Anderson family engages their services, Lauren is extremely available to devote her entire season to their home. It’s a little unorthodox – usually she’d prefer to to coach people, but the home owners are overseas and have simply left her a list to deck their halls and plan a party for their return. Their son James (Chad Connell) is around but buried under work and dismissive of holiday merry making.

Poor Lauren has to make do with housekeeper Joyce (Jennifer Vallance), who’s warmer anyway, and a readier source of family tradition and expectation. Colleen finally has a client or two of her own, so Lauren and James are alone together a lot of the time, and Lauren’s persistence is pretty legendary. She badgers him into reliving some happy childhood memories and soon they’re bonding over the spirit of the season. It starts to look like the magic of Christmas may have worked its way into their hearts when an obstacle presents itself, and her name is Maryam.

Will Lauren fist fight Maryam for James’ heart? How many vintage hats will be sacrificed to snowmen? Answer these burning questions and maybe even see them skate down the Rideau Canal, identifiably the world’s largest skating rink, even though the film is not set in Ottawa. Who doesn’t want Christmas cheer forced upon them? All this and more, guaranteed by Hallmark, and presented by your favourite Assholes. `

Winter’s Dream

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Anna (Lizzie Boys) and her dad Ty (Dean Cain, yuck, I know) trek across the country to Bliss Mountain so that Anna can train with former Olympic skier Maddie Lastname. Anna’s eager to learn but isn’t really responding to Maddie’s tough cookie approach, so she seeks out Maddie’s less successful former teammate Kat (Kristy Swanson), who lives in town and teaches on the mountain. Teaches, not coaches, as in bunny hill novice skiers under 10. But although Kat’s still pretty gun-shy after her flameout on the slopes many years ago, she agrees to continue providing pointers and other fun lessons for technique. It makes her and Maddie a little competitive once again, but that’s not what this particular Hallmark movie is about.

First, Bliss Mountain is failing because its flashier counterpart Epic just 20 minutes down the road is drawing away all of its customers. Kat is chairing the Winter Fest committee, hoping to draw fresh blood and new dollars to town, and she’s not above drafting Ty to her committee even though he’s a paying customer. More importantly, of course, is the business of having Kat and Ty fall in love. Ty is a widower who lives on the other coast. Kat isn’t exactly splashing about in the dating pool herself. But honestly: how long can they keep telling us they’re just friends and expect us to believe it? We see the way he hangs banners for her. It’s hung at a pretty flirtatious angle if I do say so myself.

So. Kat will have to overcome her own fear of failure to train Anna. Anna will have to overcome her fear of wiping out to win an exhibition race. Ty will have to figure out how to commute all the way from New York. And Kat’s dad will just stand around wiggling his eyebrows at everyone. Sound good to you? Perfect. Winter’s Dream may be set on a mountain, but it will keep you nice and warm where it counts – right in the feelings.

Angela’s Christmas Wish

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Two years after we first met her, little Angela, an Irish lass living in the very early 20th century, is still known in her little town for having stolen the baby Jesus from the church’s nativity scene. It was pretty innocent, as far as thefts go; she only thought he looked cold lying there in his manger, and took him home to make him warm and cozy.

Nowadays the baby Jesus has a very nice knit sweater to keep him warm, but Angela still visits him in the church to pray and ask for help. With Christmas fast approaching, Angela has her eye on a fancy dolly in the storefront window, but her family is still largely impoverished despite her father having left for work in Australia over two years ago. Setting aside their own interests, Angela and brother Pat decide to use their Christmas wish to bring their father home – or rather, to go and get him. When digging to Australia doesn’t work, they start busking for a train ticket. Their plan is not the most efficient, but their hearts are in the right place.

Is there any chance that Angela’s family will find happiness this holiday? You’ll have to watch to find out. The characters are based on the writing of Frank McCourt. The animation is as sweet as it sounds. And at just 47 minutes, it’s a great little watch for a special pre-bedtime treat with the kids.

Just Another Christmas

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It’s like Groundhog Day, but for masochists.

Jorge (Leandro Hassum) hates Christmas. Officially it’s because he shares his birthday with the baby Jesus, and he’s a pretty bad sport about it. Even though he’s a fully grown man now. But he also seems to hate everything else about the holiday too: the food, the gifts, the family. THE FAMILY. Fair to say it’s pretty irksome when he develops some sort of Groundhog Day disorder – or at least that’s the movie they’d love to be compared to. In fact, Jorge is not doomed to repeat the same day over and over; he’s merely only living on Christmas now. That sounds weird, and it is, but the Jorge we know wakes up and it Christmas morning. He’s technically lived a full year between each Christmas, but he never remembers it. He’s aged a year, and so have his wife and kids. It’s a weird amnesia and the Jorge who “wakes” up each Christmas doesn’t approve of the Jorge who makes decisions all year long. That Jorge doesn’t seem to share his same values and priorities, and “living” only one day a year seems to have really put things into perspective for him.

Jorge is not exactly a likeable guy so it’s hard to root for, or know what we’re rooting for. Plus, Brazilian comedy seems to be a little…obnoxious. Leandro Hassum is like Gerard Depardieux at his worst, and even his best is pretty intolerable.

Since Jorge only “wakes up” on (or remembers) Christmas, it’s not exactly a great time to get vital information as to his condition. His wife and kids are busy with preparations, and hosting parties, so we never the full picture. We just wake up as disoriented as he is, and try to piece together what’s happened over the last year based on how things have subtly changed since last Christmas.

It’s an interesting-ish premise but I didn’t enjoy its execution. Hassum is one of those people who confuses yelling with acting. It’s hard to pick up any emotional nuance when everything is shouted. And this particular conceit isn’t exactly condusive to personal growth. Even if he does manage to learn a lesson during this 16 hours of Christmassing, his other self won’t remember it come Boxing Day and will spend the whole year undoing any progress that’s been made. It’s a pointless exercise and it’s not even entertaining to watch. Verdict: sleep through it.

It’s like Groundhog Day, but for masochists.

Godmothered

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Eleanor (Jillian Bell) is the youngest trainee and the only person who’s bothered to apply in decades; fairy godmothering just isn’t what it used to be. But head mistress Moira (Jane Curtin) keeps on teaching the same tried and true formula: 1. glittery gown 2. true love 3. happily ever after. Except humans stopped believing in ‘happily ever after’ a long time ago. No fairy godmother has been on assignment in years – the school’s about to close, the godmothers to be retrained as tooth fairies. Eleanor is devastated. Godmothering is all she’s ever wanted to do and now she’ll never even get the chance to start, so she takes matters into her own hands and finds a neglected assignment, a request for a fairy godmother that was never granted. She heads down to earth to fulfill the godmothering duties, and hopefully prove that godmothers are still in demand.

Of course, when she eventually finds herself in Boston, she finds not a 10 year old girl, but a full grown woman named Mackenzie (Isla Fisher) (apparently the letter was a little dated). What a disaster: in what way could a single mother in a dead end job possibly need godmothering? Well, both Mackenzie and Eleanor are about to find out because Eleanor refuses to go back to the motherland a failure.

Godmothered doesn’t exactly skewer the popular Disney fairy godmother formula, but it expands on what was traditionally a pretty narrow definition of happily ever after. Welcome to the modernization of Disney. They’ve been rehabbing their image and redefining the princess genre in movies like Frozen and even Ralph Breaks The Internet. Godmothered asks whether magic, wishes, and belief still have a place in modern society, and if not, what should take their place. It doesn’t quite go all the way as a ‘message’ movie but it does get some pretty great mileage out of good old-fashioned kindness and cooperation, which never go out of style.

Eleanor is charming as a fish out of water, a magical being in the land of humans for the first time, not unlike Enchanted Giselle or even Elf’s Buddy the Elf. Jillian Bell is simply enchanting, more grounded than flighty, but with enough fairy dust on her performance to give her wings. Director Sharon Maguire delivers a warm and feel-good story that is perfect for cozy family viewing.