Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Our reviews and thoughts on the latest releases, classics, and nostalgic favourites. Things we loved, things we hated, and worst of all, things we were ambivalent about.

Lady And The Tramp (2019)

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Happy Disney+ day, everyone!

I know it wasn’t available worldwide on November 12 but it was here in Canada, which just happened to be our travel day home from Disney World where we saw lots of evidence that Disney is putting some major marketing power behind this streaming service. The Mandalorian, the Star Wars episodic series that debuted today, was publicized everywhere with flags and posters and merch – particularly in Hollywood Studios where Galaxy’s Edge calls home. And alongside standard Lady and Tramp stuffed animals were new models, based on the live-action dogs featured in Disney+’s original programming.

Jim Dear (Thomas Mann) gives his Darling wife (Kiersey Clemons) a puppy for Christmas, a lovely and darling little cocker spaniel she names Lady (voiced by Tessa Thompson) who immediately lives up to the moniker. She enjoys a very cosy life nestled between her two favourite humans and can’t imagine life getting any better. But then she meets a street dog who goes by a lot of names but we’ll call Tramp (Justin Theroux). Tramp reveals that life is about to change and not for the better – Darling is about to have a baby, and everyone knows that when baby moves in, the dog moves out. Lady doesn’t want to believe it but of course when baby arrives, she is no longer the centre of her masters’ universe.

Sean and I had just suffered through the inevitable travel day that always puts an unfortunate end on every vacation (waking up at 4:15am is always brutal, particularly when poor Sean was up past midnight purchasing a whole additional suitcase to hold all the souvenirs we bought our niece and nephews, but since we had a relatively easy commute home via a direct flight that came in under 3 hours and Matt had 2 connections and hours of delays resulting in 14 hours of travel, it’s rude to complain…the snow, however, was morally depleting no matter how long you’d traveled to reach it). No matter how tired we are when we walk in that door, we have 4 little pups who celebrate our homecoming like we just won the Superbowl or walked on the moon. If they had access to ticker tape, we’d be hip-deep.

That said, we were cuddled in bed with our 4 4-legged friends (that’s 20 legs if you count ours) by mid-afternoon and were soon watching the newest and finest that Disney+ had to offer. I always find it hard to be away from my pups and this vacation was particularly rough because on our very first day away our dog sitter texted me pictures of bloody stool and I worried for 10 days straight (everyone seems fine). Anyway, I’d been lonesome for my little loves and this movie made me quite emotional.

Perhaps it lacks the sparkle that the first one had, and I’m not 100% convinced real-looking talking dogs (or any animals) is a good ideas, but it’s here, but it’s kind of sweet and it’s a safe family pick. Plus, keeping the antique setting is a lovely excuse for the most sumptuous sets and costumes.

And with some interesting voice work by Tessa Thomspon, a delightfully cast Sam Elliott, and a racist song replaced by a new ditty co-written by Janelle Monae. This updated Lady and The Tramp isn’t a huge hit but it isn’t a miss either – I think it’s worth a watch, especially for dog lovers who just can’t help themselves.

Enchanted

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Giselle is a typical Disney princess who lives in a tree and has bird and chipmunk friends who sing with her and help her sew a wedding dress so she can marry her prince. But Disney movies always have an evil Queen – in this case, Narissa, who interrupts Giselle on her way to marry prince Edward and instead shoves her down a magical well which turns cartoon Giselle into live-action Amy Adams, and spits her out in Times Square.

Live-action Giselle is still fairly blessed – sure her tiara is stolen by a homeless man, but ultimately a gentlemanly lawyer, Robert (Patrick Dempsey), takes her in and gives her his couch despite her being a crazy woman in a poufy-sleeved wedding dress claiming to be a princess. And her magic hasn’t deserted her completely: when she leans out Robert’s apartment window to summon some animal friends to help her tidy up, they still respond. But it’s New York City, so the respondents are rats and pigeons. Oh, and cockroaches. Which are ostensibly worse than the dust, but Giselle seems not to notice as she prances about singing her happy songs.

Giselle proves to be quite a disruption to Robert’s life – especially when it comes to his intended (Idina Menzel) and his young daughter Morgan. Luckily her prince charming is so devoted that he throws himself down the same magical well in pursuit and goes through the same cartoon-to-human transformation (James Marsden). Queen Narissa sends her bumbling sidekick Nathaniel (Timothy Spall) down after him.

The film has some wonderful casting, other than Patrick Dempsey who could have been replaced by almost anyone and don’t I wish that he was. James Marsden is wonderfully game to play a toothsome prince. Idina Menzel, Broadway star and future voice of Frozen’s Elsa, is the only lead in the film NOT to sing. But this movie belongs to Amy Adams. I don’t think anyone else could play Giselle. She’s wide-eyed and naive and full of love bubbles, but it never looks ridiculous on her.

Enchanted is, if nothing else, a love letter to all things Disney. The film and the script are bursting with references to Disney films future, past and present. Sean has never seen this movie before (and in truth seems to be sending a larger than usual amount of work emails during it), and I’m trying my best not to shout them all out as I see them:

Jodi Benson, voice of Ariel herself, plays Robert’s secretary
Narissa tires to poison Giselle with an apple, just like in Snow White
Giselle and Robert eat at an Italian restaurant reminiscent of Lady & the Tramp
The apartment elevator looks like the Tower of Terror in Disney parks
Giselle takes off her heels and leaves one behind, like in Cinderella
The old man dancers in Central Park are chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins (not to mention Julie Andrews narrates the film)
We often hear pieces of classic Disney theme songs
Narissa turns into a dragon, like in Sleeping Beauty
Judy Kuhn, voice of Pocahontas, appears as a neighbour answering her door

I could go on and on – director Kevin Lima assures us there are “thousands” of little Easter eggs that an astute Disney fan might notice. That’s why this movie is the perfect way to celebrate our own trip to the happiest place on Earth, Walt Disney World. My own love letter involves eating a poison apple cupcake on Main Street and visiting Ariel at her grotto and letting Sean (making Sean?) nudge a meatball over my way, and wearing my own Mary Poppins dress. We have an ambitious schedule and 10 days to fit everything in, so do play along on Twitter (@AssholeMovies) to see what we’re up to right now – 10 points if I’m standing next to a castle.

Chicken Little

Peter Pan

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Are you sick of hearing that Matt, Sean and I are in Disney World for 10 days straight? Well tough patooties, that’s exactly where we are. Disney World has a Fast Pass program where 30 days before your trip, you wake up at 7am every day for 10 days straight to find out that all the rides you want to go on are already off-sale as far as Fast Passes go (stay on Disney property and you get a 60 day head start) and you’ll have to brave the long, long lines if you want to ride. The new Star Wars ride, Smuggler’s Run, in Galaxy’s Edge is so highly anticipated there aren’t any Fast Passes for it at all. If you want it bad enough you’ll wait the 120-240 minutes, and you’ll do it happily. Animal Kingdom’s Pandora also sees very high wait times, with its Flight of Passage ride (where you ride a banshee) that’s never under a 90 minute wait, and has been as high as 4 hours (with people still joining the line) – those Fast Passes are nearly impossible, even 18 months after its opening. And over in Toy Story Land at Hollywood Studios, the Slinky Dog Dash roller coaster is another impossible Fast Pass 16 months later. But these rides are all relatively new, and they’re attached to relatively new Disney franchises. Peter Pan’s Flight, however, has continued to delight crowds and attract long lines at Magic Kingdom since the ride opened in 1971 (based on a movie from 1953!); over in Disney Land, it is one of the few original attractions operating since opening day in 1955. It’s a rail-suspended dark ride intended to make you feel as if you are soaring over scenes from the movie, not unlike Pan himself, although we take a pixie-dusted pirate ship. Even the queue has an impressive level of detail, which makes that wait time just a little more palatable.

The movie, of course, is an enduring classic, though I confess I was pretty much there just for the dog, Nana. It’s about the Darling siblings – Michael and John love to listen to elder sister Wendy’s stories about Peter Pan, and act them out, sometime rather boisterously, annoying their father. But one lucky, magical night, they are visited by the boy legend himself, who brings along his friend Tink. A liberal application of pixie dust and the Darling children learn to fly, and they do so all the way to Never Land. John and Michael take off on an adventure with the Lost Boys and Wendy spends time with Peter, driving Tinker Bell a little mad with jealousy. Ultimately, though, they all end up in the same place: as captives on Captain Hook’s pirate ship.

It’s an interesting story about childhood and imagination with a very complex protagonist. Peter Pan is cold, and a little unlikable. He’s jealous and controlling and he tends to want what’s best for himself. J.M. Barrie originally wrote him as a young sociopath, so I guess Disney’s not so far off the mark. But that means that other characters tend to overshadow him in his own story. Captain Hook, for one, a dashing villain flamboyant in dress. He was once a very serious and successful pirate but after being somehow bested by a boy (okay, a boy who can fly – I suppose that’s an advantage at any age), he lost his hand and forged a new identity (though I do wonder what his name was before it was Hook, which is surely a nickname for it is far too great a coincidence). Hook is obsessed with revenge and has left the pirating life in order to chase his obsession – and all the crew on his boat goes along with this with surprising devotion considering he kills them routinely merely for being annoying. But for all the blackness in his heart, Hook is also plagued by the crocodile who ate his hand. That croc’s got a taste for him and won’t relent, following him everywhere, tormenting him with his tick-tock-tick-tock. Captain Hook is unraveling psychologically but still manages to plant bombs and kidnap children while maintaining a very effective plank.

I’d also argue that Tinker Bell herself outshines Peter, an impressive feat considering she doesn’t even talk. For all her cuteness, she’s not overly nice, at least not at first. She’s mean and she’s jealous and she’s hot-headed. Only when she and Peter go through some shit together does she have a change of heart. But let’s not forget that she does try to have Wendy STONED. To death! But today Tinker Bell is her own pixie, transcending the movie which made her famous to become the unofficial mascot of the Disney company. She stars in her own movies, she has a 5.5″ waxwork figure at Madame Tussauds, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She’s also the highlight of Magic Kingdom’s fireworks show – check it out, a real person actually ~~ziplines~~ flies down from the castle every single night, showing her cute little green underpants to the roughly 20K people gathered down below.

A woman named Tiny Kline did the stunt first, at Disneyland in 1961. She was 4’10, weighed 98 pounds and was 71 years old. Yes, you read that right. Today Tinker Bell must still be under 5 feet tall, and weigh no more than 105 pounds, but her age, I suspect, is rather younger. After all, form Cinderella’s Castle in Magic Kingdom, before her flight even starts she’ll have to climb stairs and a ladder 189 feet up and then crawl out a window that’s only 4 feet tall. On her cue, a tech person literally shoves her out the window, and depending on how hard the push is, and what the wind is doing, she flies anywhere from 20-35 mph. It takes 30 seconds for her to reach her destination, where 2 tech people literally catch her with a net. BUT, sometimes the wind is going in the opposite direction, which is a bummer. In that case, Tinker Bell gets stuck somewhere along the line. Protocol is: she first turns off the batteries that keep her illuminated so the guests can’t see her. Then she’ll have to pull herself hand over fist the rest of the way down. Once she reaches the tech guys, she throws them a rope and they pull her down. It’s a lot of work for 30 seconds worth of magic, but that’s what makes Disney so special, and it’s why the fireworks show never fails to make me cry AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE FIREWORKS.

If you check out our Twitter feed (@AssholeMovies) you might just catch me in my Tinker Bell dress eating a Peter Pan float or a Tinker Bell cone while we wait to take our flight.

Cinderella’s Horses

Alice In Wonderland

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Alice may have avoided her unfortunate tumble down the rabbit hole had her mother not been such a bore. She’s reading to her in a tree from a book that doesn’t even have any pictures. Practically a textbook. No wonder Alice resoundly rejects it, and the boring, logical world that it espouses. She’s positively ripe for following a charismatic leader, or tardy hare, into a world of nonsense and nonconformity.

Alice, as it turns out, is a self-pitying, impetuous crybaby. She is such a little deviant, in fact, I wonder if 1951 audiences figured her for a commie. Now, as an adult, I can see her for the petulant spoiled brat that she is, but as I kid I was blinded by her pristine blue pinafore and her perfect blonde hair. I writhed with jealousy when my mother cast my youngest sister as Alice in our school’s entry in the Christmas parade one year. The theme was story books and our float was Wonderland-themed. My mother, god bless her overachieving soul, was determined to make a costume for each and every kid in the school who wanted to participate (not quite as terrible as it sounds: we had less than 100 students). There were caterpillars and psychedelic flowers, the white rabbit of course, and a mad hatter. And dozens of people trailed the float as either story books of a different ilk, or members of the Queen of Hearts’ playing card army. The Queen was played by the school’s tiniest, most taciturn teacher – a part she was born to play, but I don’t know how my mother proposed the idea without being threatened with her own beheading. Meanwhile, as the eldest daughter who routinely ‘took one for the team’, I walked in front of the float, just me and my childhood crush carrying our school’s banner. We were dressed as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I don’t remember which one I was, but pictures would prove clarifying as my little propeller hat identified me rather firmly. We lacked a proper costume from the neck down and were compelled to wear matching California Raisin costumes for uniformity, and perhaps just flat-out maximum humiliation. My mother must have WANTED me to hate my sister. She made it fairly impossible not to.

Anyway, if I sound bitter in this review, it’s because I am.

Drinking helps, which is fortunate, because Sean, Matt and I are in Disney World for the forseeable future, where we’ll have ample opportunity to meet Alice, should we want to. She hangs out by the teacups ride which is actually called the Mad Tea Party, and is often accompanied by a Mad Hatter at the very least. When I visited the park with my sister back in February (NOT the one who played Alice), she turned an alarming shade of green as her 4 year old son put an extra spin on our trip. But should we miss her in Magic Kingdom, she also hangs out in Epcot, in the U.K. pavilion, directly across from the Yorkshire County Fish Shop in The Tea Caddy Gardens. Mary Poppins can often be seen strolling about with a parasol on her arm in the U.K. portion of the World Showcase. Other countries have their own princesses: Belle in France, Anna and Elsa in Norway, Mulan in China, Jasmine in Morocco. There are no princesses in the Canadian pavilion, just a bunch of poutine and some maple-flavoured popcorn (though I sort of think Duke Caboom should hang out there, revving his motorcycle).

The World Showcase is fun in many ways, not least of all because you can literally drink your way around it, with each country providing many samples of their finest hooch. There are margaritas in Mexico and prosecco in Italy and Oktoberfest beers in Germany. Because I’m ambitious, and mean, I intend to subject Sean to this booze tour, so I’ll take the opportunity to suggest you visit our Twitter feed at @AssholeMovies because there are 11 countries and countless opportunities to get your drink on, including an alcoholic popsicle stand, and a Frozen-themed blue lemonade spiked with moonshine. I predict Sean will need propping up by the time we hit Japan.

Anyway, please pardon my little digression. Back to the movie. I’m still rather astounded at how much they got away with, stuff that feels like pretty blatant drug references to me, counterculture stuff that seems out of place in a Disney movie, especially one with a little girl for a protagonist. I mean, she literally eats mushrooms.

The Cheshire Cat sounds awfully familiar – like Winnie The Pooh really, without much embellishment. I check IMDB and I’m right: Sterling Holloway voiced both. He was also Mr. Stork, in Dumbo, adult Flower in Bambi, Kaa the snake in Jungle Book, and Roquefort in The Aristocats. Disney’s casting certainly was incestuous. Sean and I ate at the Cheshire cafe last time we were in Disney, and we can certainly recommend the Cat Tail, and the Wonderland slushy. This time we’ll be dining WITH Winnie the Pooh (can you stand the excitement?) – and his pal Tigger too!

This movie actually takes from Lewis Carroll’s two Alice books, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (fun fact: I once saw a Looking Glass play in Stratford starring a young Sarah Polley, then known as Canada’s sweetheart for roles in Ramona and Road to Avonlea). Alice is here voiced by Kathryn Beaumont, who also voiced Wendy in Peter Pan, and continued to do so until her retirement in 2005 (reminder: this movie came out in 1951!). You can still hear Beaumont narrating the Mad Tea Party ride to this day in Disneyland. That’s her here, providing a live action reference for Disney animators.

And somewhere in the Disney parks, I am currently the live action reference for a grown woman having far too much fun.

[In fact, I believe today we are attempting to ‘Drink Around the World’ in Epcot. Epcot’s World Showcase has 11 country pavillions and we’ll be grabbing a drink in each one. Sounds like potential disaster! Why not keep tabs on us via Twitter – @AssholeMovies, and be sure to play along on the Disney Bingo card.]

Update: Watch the Assholes accept the Drink Around the World Epcot challenge – and watch us demolish it???

Lady and the Tramp (1955)

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Jim Dear gives his wife Darling a hat box for Christmas, and inside she finds a beautiful golden cocker spaniel she names Lady. Better than a hat any day. This was taken from Walt Disney’s own life – having once forgotten a dinner date with his wife, he made it up to her with a puppy and was immediately forgiven. As you would be. Take note, Sean.

The story belongs to the dogs. We rarely seen the owners’ faces, and their home is mostly seen from a dog’s eye view. It is simply told and simply felt – simple, but awfully sweet.

Lady is a well cared for, sheltered dog who’s lived an indoor life having her coat brushed until it’s lustrous and shiny, her meals served on a china dish. When she meets the Tramp, he’s a street-wise mutt who’s seen some shit. They’re opposites, but after the obligatory initial turning up of the snouts, the two can’t help but sniff each other’s butts. Which in dog speak is hot hot heat. Instant dog lust.

Would I watch a reality-based dating show featuring dogs? I really might.

But I won’t have to, thanks to Disney+, a new streaming service to rival Netflix that will host movies but also lots of new episodic programming from Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, and National Geographic. Aside from the movies you’d expect, there will be lots of new comic book content, including Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, and shows that will get to know some of the lesser-known Avengers like WandaVision, which will star Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Vision (Paul Bettany), plus Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan in The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, and something or other about Loki (Tom Hiddleston). And Jon Favreau is overseeing an extremely big-budget Star Wars series called The Mandalorian, and you can expect a spin-off of Rogue One about Rebel Alliance freedom fighter Cassian Andor with Diego Luna and Alan Tudyk reprising their roles. And rather excitingly, Ewan McGregor will once again suit up as Obi-Wan Kenobi for a series that won’t begin shooting until next year.

You might also find yourself anticipating The World According to Jeff Goldblum, a reality show featuring you know who explaining different topics. Or maybe you’re more excited about the Toy Story 4 spin-off, Forky Asks a Question. Or the “short-form unscripted” (whatever that means) Muppets comedy series unimaginatively titled Muppets Now. Or the announced series remake of High Fidelity starring Zoe Kravitz.

Personally, though, I’m in it for the new movies. And just our luck, a Lady and The Tramp live-action remake is among the first, with voices by Tessa Thompson and Justin Theroux (and Kiersey Clemons, Thomas Mann, Janelle Monae, and Sam Freaking Elliott) so you can fall in love with this movie all over again.

I’m talking about Lady and The Tramp today in particular because as you may have noticed, Matt, Sean and I are at Disney World and today we’re eating dinner at Tony’s, which just happens to be the restaurant where Lady and Tramp have their adorable spaghetti dinner date in the alley out back. As far as I know, we’ll get a table inside, but spaghetti IS on the menu, and if the three of us are feeling particularly romantic, we may just be nosing meat balls at each other and two-mouthing noodles to meet in the middle. Do tune in to Twitter @AssholeMovies to see the things you cannot unsee, and check out the new Lady and The Tramp on Disney+ November 12.

p.s. I hope you’re all playing along with our Disney Bingo card.

Shaft

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I am a member of the Samuel L. Jackson cult. I just think the man is cool. And I thought Shaft was going to be this ultra smooth way of celebrating all that is good about Sam Jackson and all that he contributes to the culture.

Turns out, we should have left Shaft in the past. You can’t drag him into 2019 without updating the character at all, but the screenwriters here were so lazy that they made Shaft, once the paragon of hip and with it, into an old man dangerously out of touch. The movie starts out sexist, runs straight into homophobia, dips into racism, slams into Islamophobia real hard, then circles back into homophobic and sexist grounds again. Shaft is not cool. There is nothing cool about a man who abandons his kid and then, upon their reunion 25 years later, mocks him for smart, employed, and educated.

Shaft’s son Shaft Junior (Jessie T. Usher) uses his friend’s suspicious death as an excuse to reconnect with his deadbeat dad, and the two work the case together, eventually involving Grandpa (Richard Roundtree) for good measure. The first gunfight is cool. The next five are tedious.The three generations look pretty cool strutting around in identical turtlenecks though.

The weird thing is, I didn’t hate the movie (though I have a tendency to overvalue movies I watch on planes). I hate what they did to Shaft. He deserved better. I believe Shaft would have changed with the times. He would have stayed ahead of the curve, in fact. But that’s the worst kind of disappointing: when a movie had potential but was too lazy to fulfill it. What a waste. You had Samuel L. Jackson, guys! This should have been a slam dunk and it’s embarrassing that it wasn’t.

Here you go. Now you don’t have to see the movie.

Top 10 Disney Hunks

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The thing about this list is…yeah, it’s “subjective.” I mean, it’s not, because I have excellent taste, and I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed down a definitive ranking, at least until the next Disney movie is released, so we’re safe for about 17 minutes or so. I just mean that the Disney umbrella is ever-widening. Almost everyone has been in a Disney movie if you’re thirsty enough to look.

10. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid. I mean, the man’s an idiot, that’s a fact. He’s a total dope and he’s got no game unless a crustacean is whispering in his ear. Hopeless. But with his foppish hair and baby blues (is it just me or is there something a little Jake Gyllenhaal-y about him?), Eric has fuckboi written all over him.

9. Charlie Conway, The Mighty Ducks. Oh man did I have a thing for this guy when I was a kid. I was #TeamPacey before there was a Dawnson’s Creek. I feel a little skeevy macking on a 13 year old, but Joshua Jackson was and is older than I am so I think it’s mostly okay. He was a little bit bad and a little bit broken and even pre-pubescent Jay took one whiff and thought “I can save him with my love!”

8. Aladdin, Aladdin. He’s got hair that’s always in need of a woman to brush it out of his eyes, soulful eyes, and a chest so smooth it doesn’t even have nipples. Plus you gotta love a guy with ambition.

7. Thor, Ragnarok. I wasn’t really on the Thor train until he got a haircut in Ragnarok. He’s strong and fearless and all-powerful, but he’s not afraid to be vulnerable. He’s a team player, quick witted, and always good for a laugh. Plus he’s got those Chris Hemsworth twinkly eyes.

6. Maui, Moana. I confess, I’ve always had a thing for confident men. Big, strong, confident men? Oh yes. Add tattoos on top of that? Nothing better, and that’s before he cocks that eyebrow at me.

5.Finn, Star Wars. Finn’s a hard worker who knows how to defuse a situation and lighten it. But what you really have to love about the character portrayed by John Boyega is how sensitive he is: originally a Storm Trooper, Finn rejects the First Order’s cruelty. He doesn’t blindly follow orders. When Kylo Ren orders a senseless massacre, Finn lowers his weapon. That’s courage. That’s sexy.

4.Ant-Man, Ant-Man. You know by now I’m a sucker for funny men, and if they look like Paul Rudd then I’m done. Just done. I may as well wear tear-away clothes because why even fuck with the slight resistance provided by buttons? They’re useless against charm like his. Those crinkly eye wrinkles when he smiles, his goofball personality, his aw-shucks attitude. Done. Donner than a charred piece of meat.

3.Poe Dameron, Star Wars. He’s the best pilot in the galaxy but still has time for his best pal, BB-8, which makes him, galactically speaking, as irresistible as a man and his dog. He’s a straight-shooter, very honest, very loyal. But he’s got that Oscar Isaac swagger. And he’s maybe just a little hot-headed, a little rakish, a bit of a bad boy, the I’m just genetically predisposed to want.

2. Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6. Older brother to Hiro and creator of Baymax, Tadashi is super smart, and better yet, he wants to use his invention to help people. Since he and his brother are orphaned, Tadashi, very mature for his age, has become a father figure to his younger brother. He later achieves hero status when he runs into a burning building to help someone else. But to last a top spot on this list, you know he’s just a cutie pie who I can easily imagine crushing on when I was in University. He’d probably come to class in a baseball cap and a wrinkly tshirt and look all rumpled and adorable and I’d fail to take notes while fantasizing about our future children.

Li Shang, Mulan. Sure he’s competent and thoughtful and has plenty of wonderful qualities – yawn. What’s important here is that he’s hot. Captain Hottie McHotterson. He works out topless for a lot of the movie, or at least that’s what my loins remember of watching the movie a little too closely as a kid. Did his chest even glisten? I bet he has a musky man scent. I bet his big strong arms could wrap you up and make you feel like there isn’t an army hot on your heels aching to devour you. Plus he’s obviously a feminist!

While I was down this awkward rabbit hole of thicc Disney sex gods, I came across some beautiful portraits by artist David Kawena – take a look at these and then try to watch a Disney movie without blushing. I dare you.

Holiday In The Wild

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Kate (Kristin Davis) hasn’t even completed the full arc of her arm as she waves goodbye to her son as he leaves for college when her husband drops the bomb: he’s leaving. She’d had visions of reconnecting – she’d even planned a second honeymoon. So she sucks it up and goes on the trip by herself, to Africa. She intends to go to a 5-star safari resort but gets sidetracked along the way by an orphaned baby elephant in need of saving. She winds up at an elephant sanctuary where she meets handsome pilot Derek (Rob Lowe). She falls in love with the elephants rather than the guy, and her vacation turns into rather an extended stay. It’s like Under the Tuscan Sun, only with pachyderms rather than wine. Sorry, I just used pachyderm rather cavalierly just to avoid saying elephants too often. And now I’ve gone and said it again.

Aaaaand I’m back from a Google search which revealed that pachyderm is an obsolete order of very large mammals with thick skin, especially an elephant, rhinoceros, or hippopotamus. Sorry, that would have kept me up all night.

What was I saying? Oh right, Netflix’s most recent romance. It is in no way a good movie but if you’re in the mood for extremely light, fairly cheesy stuff, here ya go. What a time to be alive. Kristin Davis does the one and only thing she ever does on camera, and Rob Lowe does his charming thing and that’s fine too. I suppose it’s a benign little film that grooves on self-discovery and pursuing one’s passions rather than romantic interests (because hobbies never leave you).

To Netflix’s credit, they actually filmed in Africa, which gives them film some authentic flavour. The elephant scenes were filmed at a sanctuary in South Africa and at Game Rangers International Elephant Orphanage in Zambia. But to keep the elephants safe, very large, very convincing puppets were sometimes used. In real life, Kristin Davis walks the talk and has worked with the orphan elephant rescue and rehabilitation program, Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, bringing attention to conservation issues and the illegal ivory trade. I’m sure Rob Lowe is also pro-elephant, though he may have been into this mostly for the chance to work for his son, who played Davis’ college-bound son.

If any of this sounds interesting to you, it’s available forthwith at a Netflix near you – be warned though, it’s not technically a Christmas movie but it’s also not not a Christmas movie.