Tag Archives: Amazon Prime

Unlikely Angel

Lucky Them

Toni Collette plays Ellie, a music critic who’s assigned to track down her musician ex-boyfriend. He disappeared over a decade ago, just as his career was taking off, and hasn’t been heard of since. She’s clearly still nursing old wounds: she’s a mess, personally and professionally. She has one-night-stands instead of relationships. But now suddenly she has to go ripping off band-aids with the help of an old flame and total creepster (Thomas Haden Church). Church is a cringe-inducing rich prick who’s decided to take up documentary film-making. Collette is an imposter with a veneer so thin even a complete stranger calls her on it between bites of wedding cake.

This movie is what would happen if last year’s mournful, Oscar-nominated Inside Llewyn Davis and Oscar-winning treasure Searching for Sugar Man got together and had a mediocre baby. Well, maybe mediocre’s a bit harsh. I love me some Toni Collette and she does a bang-up job turning this somewhat predictable coming-of-age-l into a relevant, layered coming-of-middle-age tale. Church allows her to bounce off his deadpan delivery, although she often seems reduced to grimacing when the script fails her.

The movie is purposefully slow. We really get a sense of Ellie’s stagnation as she is given a goal and then proceeds to ignore it for huge chunks of the movie. Instead of road-tripping out to find the ex-boyfriend, we explore relationships and maybe do a little growing up. All in all, this is a nice little indie flick that didn’t do much in theatres but will have a nice second life on Netflix. This baby doesn’t live up to its parents’ standards but when you run out of A material, here’s a nice solid B.

Operation Christmas List

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Barney thinks he’s beat the system. After some fool proof research, he’s pin-pointed the hot toy of the Christmas season (a Crabby Mousie) and plans to stockpile them, sell them at a profit, and buy himself a bike with the proceeds (Barney is approximately 12 years old). He recruits his geeky best friend Walt, reluctantly allows his devoted fan Iris in on the deal, and gets saddled with little brother Penn, making for the motliest crew of criminals you’ve ever seen.

At least until they come across an actual gang of thieves, adult ones, led by Forte, in the department store with the very same goal.

Kid robbers vs. grown up robbers means the kids go all Home Alone at the grown-up asses, albeit in an uninspired and low-budget way. This movie is truly not very good, and I can’t imagine that even the director ever thought it would be. The kids are MV5BYTc1ODM0Y2ItMzE1My00OTU5LWEyZGMtMDMyODM2NmJhMmRlL2ltYWdlL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjI4Mzg5OTg@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1497,1000_AL_ annoying (have I mentioned lately how much I hate fake lisps? Is there anything on earth I hate more? I’d rather eradicate fake lisps than war, I think, such is my revulsion), and the grown-ups are ludicrous. The security guard, an adult, for the record, spends 10% of his time kareokeing and 90% being stuck in his own office, outwitted by kids, of course. And don’t get me started on Forte, the villain. Oh okay, go ahead and get me started! The man sounds like the Swedish Chef but he dresses like he’s ready for a Gotye video. I mean, floral on floral is pretty bold, but who wears that to break in somewhere? And the villain above him (what a hierarchy!), Daphne, is described as a “socialite shut-in” with zero apparent irony. You know, just one of those shut-ins who really loves to get out there and party.

I don’t even know if there’s a hot toy for 2018, but if there is, and if you’re morally obligated to find and buy one for a kid on your list, then whatever hoops and hell you have to go through to get it will be a breeze compared to watching all 80 minutes of this film. So, you know, don’t.

A Very Country Christmas

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Zane (Greyston Holt, which, being even more ostentatious and on-the-nose than Zane, can’t possibly be the name his mama gave him at birth) is the biggest country music star in the country but he’s had a tough year and one night he just walks away from a sold-out concert. Jeannette (Bea Santos, definitely her real name) is a hard-working single mother and part-time interior designer caught red-handed replacing a broken vase by a home owner who’s literally never been home before. It’s Zane of course, reclaiming his unoccupied home for a little peace and quiet, but Jeannette is too frazzled to keep up with latest gossip and fails to recognize him.

I’m not going to endorse it, but A Very Country Christmas deliver on its promise. It’s a Christmas movie, all right: there’s snow, royalty-free carols, and a romance where the only consummation is a kiss. As usual, he’s monstrously, life-transformingly rich but just wants to settle down and have a family, and has an unusually high tolerance for being strung along by a woman who won’t sleep with him.

A Very Country Christmas was filmed in Sean’s sorta hometown of Barrie, Ontario. Sean moved around a lot of as a kid but his family eventually settled there and many of them are still in the area today, possibly grabbing a Beau’s and some deep fried cheese curds at the Kenzington Burger Bar, which was featured in the film. Canada is increasingly cornering the market in crappy Christmas movies, and why not – we’ve got a perfect snowy backdrop here nearly year round.

Desperately Seeking Santa

The Christmas Lodge

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This Christmas rom-com features a threesome: Mary, Jack, and The Lord.

If that sounds like something that doesn’t give you the heebie jeebies, it’s about a woman who visits the dilapidated lodge her family used to host their Christmases at when she was a child. She helps its owner restore it to its former glory, allowing her grieving grandfather one last holiday in a familiar place still haunted by the memory of his wife.

The Christmas Lodge is not good and should not be undertaken unless you like major plot points to come randomly from the bible. It literally asks (and answers): what would Jesus do? And surprisingly, the answer was not: turn the channel.

The Christmas Train

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Hollywood movie director Max Powers (Danny Glover) is taking a four day long train trip toward Los Angeles along with his trusty assistant Eleanor (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), who he’s been encouraging to finally write a script of her own instead of always doctoring someone else’s, and what better inspiration than an old-timey mode of transportation full of characters just begging to be over-written.

Also on the train: Tom (Dermot Mulroney), a former war correspondent turned lifestyle journalist, a young couple looking to marry on the train despite his parents’ disapproval, a lonely older man, a thief, a chess snob, oh, and a zany woman named Agnes (Joan Cusack) who seems to be in everybody else’s business. Oh and lots of people besides of course, and our two writers mine them for all they’re worth, but wait! The writers are actually of interest themselves. Turns out, they’re former flames. Some have said they were each other’s true loves. And maybe things are sliding back in that direction – or they were until Tom’s fiancée boards the train about halfway through. Drama!!!

Of course, the Hallmark gods are smiling down on the train so the romance WILL BE nurtured, even if a snowstorm has to strand the train on the tracks until true love is confessed.

The Christmas Train is perhaps a smidge more tolerable than the usual schmaltz, so I’m thankful for that, and any reason to see Dermot Mulroney’s dimples is a good one.

Hometown Christmas

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Noelle (Beverley Mitchell) is back in Louisiana for good, with a medical degree to practice alongside her father. To honour the occasion, Noelle decides to revive one of her late mother’s most loved traditions, the town’s live nativity. In fact, the log-line of the film calls it the “resurrection of the nativity” which seems like an unfortunate choice of words. I’m picturing a Franken-Jesus, but I guess that’s Easter.

Anyway, things go swimmingly for about ten seconds before Noelle finds out that her dad has her new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend (Melissa Gilbert!) is the mother of Noelle’s old boyfriend – who, incidentally, is also back in town after an injury derailed his baseball career. Noelle’s still smarting from their senior year break up but that was a decade ago and the magic of Christmas (or at least her horny dad) is making sure they spend a lot of time together lately.

Is the angel Gabriel really the MVP of heaven? What exactly is a southern snowman? Do matching pajamas make you smug or just smarmy? Will they be able to turn a barn into a stable in time? How many Little House on the Prairie references does a Hallmark Christmas romance need? Does a living nativity really need a pig AND a camel? And will this small town have enough marshmallows for both sweet potato pies AND hot cocoa????

The answers will surprise you. Make a date with Hallmark to find out.

Christmas Everlasting

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Lucy (Tatyana Ali), like 80% of Hallmark holiday movie characters, is a big city lawyer working long hours on the junior partner track. But all that comes to a screeching halt when a phone call from her uncle Barney (Dennis Haysbert) reveals that her big sister Alice has unexpected passed away.

Lucy and Alice were quite close as kids but guilt over an accident that derailed Alice’s golden life and left her with special needs has kept Lucy away. Returning home to Wisconsin, however, dispels the myth that Alice has led a small life. The whole town seems to be grieving along with Lucy, everyone eager to share some special way that Alice touched their lives. Moving back into their childhood home, Lucy is reminded that she no longer knew her sister as she once did. Alice led a full if slightly eccentric life, leaving behind excellent of proof of such when her will stipulates that for Lucy to inherit the house, she must first live there for 4 weeks – which just happen to be over the holidays.

In a coincidence only Hallmark would have the balls to suggest, Lucy’s high school sweetheart Peter (Dondré Whitfield) is acting as Alice’s attorney, but as a small town lawyer, he’s an excellent example of working to live, not living to work.

Will Lucy risk her career to inherit a house she doesn’t even want? Will she ever make friends with Alice’s snobby cat? And what the heck is up with the piles of quilts for the mysterious Maeve all over the house? Check out Christmas Everlasting, starring the Fresh Prince’s little sister, Mr. Allstate insurance, and honest to god Ms. Patti Labelle if you’d like to find out – and honestly, how can you resist?

Christmas in Evergreen, Letters to Santa

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Are you a fan the Hallmark Evergreen universe? Officially, there was just Christmas in Evergreen, but I guess the Hallmark crew couldn’t wait to go back (it’s actually Vancouver) so they threw some fake snow on the ground and came up with a “spin-off” (very loosely) set in the same quaint town you fell in love with in the first film (although, don’t worry if you never saw it, it literally has nothing to do with this one).

In this one, Lisa (Jill Wagner) finally makes good on her bucket list and takes a Christmas time trip to her hometown, Evergreen! Things have changed since she was last there. The general store has closed, and…well that’s the main thing. It inspires Lisa to put her vague skills to use restoring the to its former charm so that someone may buy it. Good thing she keeps running into hunky jack of all trades Kevin (Mark Deklin) who, despite only being in town for a week, has for some reason found various employments and accepts yet another, as Lisa’s contractor. Anyway, they find the “Mailbox to Santa” in the dusty shop; it used to be beloved for granting Christmas wishes. They convince the bakery across the street, Kringle Kitchen, to babysit it alongside their own wish-granting snow globe while the store’s under renovation. But huzzah! They find a 25 year old undelivered letter in the box and now the whole town of Evergreen rallies around it to grant one last wish.

Also there’s a subplot about a key.

Is it a super great movie? Of course not. But you love Evergreen, I love Evergreen, there’s an old Chevy truck that’s pretty great, and the star of the first film, Hallmark legend Ashley Williams, who starred in the first, and apparently her character is still there, still living her happily ever after, so why can’t Lisa and Kevin?