Adrian is a busy CEO whose business doesn’t stop just because the holidays are fast approaching. He’s got a big pitch that has him hitting the road for a stay at The Grand Lafayette, and he brings along two (female) employees – one he has fucked, and one he’d like to.

Diane (Josephine Buettner) is an ex of sorts and current colleague who’d like to rekindle their romance though Adrian (Henderson Wade) has been resisting, trying to keep things strictly professional. Diane is hardly subtle. And she’s super pissed that the morning of the big pitch she’s sent away on another gig. That leaves Adrian with his executive assistant, Rachel (Zarrin Darnell-Martin). Rachel, always hard-working, has been stepping it up recently, coming up with some impressive marketing materials and catching the eye of her boss – maybe in more than one way. The Grand Lafayette is newly reopened and other than our 3 guests, it’s totally empty. Hotel clerk Jean-Luc (Scott Thompson) is tending their every need, even when a snowstorm hits, stranding Diane off-site and leaving Rachel and Adrian to enjoy the facilities to themselves: romantic dinners, couples massages, candlelight and wine by the fire – normal boss-employee stuff like that. You know how it is. I’m sure you’ve sat through an HR meeting or two about it.

It is sometimes hard to tell whether this is an actual Hallmark Christmas movie or a how-to-get-sued for sexual harrassment training video. Maybe it’s that elusive hybrid?

Mack (Emily Alatalo) is a police detective working for her “call me Captain” mother (Lauren Holly) in a small town precinct (quite probably its only one). Mack is notorious on the force, and particularly with her mother Captain, for being socially awkward and completely hopeless when it comes to dating. We are treated to several examples and yes, they are painful. But you know how it goes: when you’re least expecting it, you run into a handsome man, things just click, and the rest is history. With the right man, and Carson (Franco Lo Presti) certainly has Mr. Right chiseled down that perfect jawline, everything seems easy.

Except for when Special Agent Robertson (Genelle Williams) of the FBI shows up the next day, explaining that Carson is a suspected diamond thief (a 3 million dollar diamond reindeer to be exact) and needs to be surveilled – by none other than Mack and her partner (Andrew Bushell) of course. Why are the good ones always either gay or diamond thieves? Still crushing on the perp hard, Mack vows to remain impartial and professional, and even tries not to drool when surveillance just happens to include Carson in a barely-there towel. Things get sticker when Agent Robertson orders Mack to “pretend” to date Carson in order to get closer to him, win his trust, and have him confess. Can Mack possibly do her job without falling hopelessly in love?

No she can’t. But if you’ve always thought romantic Hallmark holiday movies could be improved with some sort of crime aspect, this one’s sure to be right up your alley.

Up until yesterday, Sarah (Michelle Morgan) was a “big time,” “hot shot,” big city lawyer, but disillusioned by a legal but immoral (according to Sarah) eviction (at Christmas!), she quit her job, packed her bags, and returned home to Small Town, USA to start her own practice to avoid some of the law’s upsetting gray areas. Unfortunately it seems small towns have injustice as well; on her very first day, she encounters an arrogant line-cutter named John (Stephen Huszar), exactly the kind of person she was hoping to never meet again when she fled the big city. The line cutting just infuriates her; clearly Sarah has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and she’s not afraid to speak her mind!

Small Town, USA is apparently a one-judge town, a judge that Sarah’s known since childhood, a judge who fed her an awful lot of tuna salad sandwiches apparently (unnecessary detail!), a judge who recognizes her return for what it really is: a need for that one client who will restore her faith in the system, and in humanity.

Conveniently, that one client just happens to live across the street from her parents. Mr. Landis has been erecting a Christmas tree on his rooftop since Sarah was nine. No one knows why and Mr. Landis (Tim Reid) won’t tell. Sarah always admired it as a child but new neighbours aren’t as keen. For the last several years, a complaint means the city will force Mr. Landis to remove the tree, or face Christmas day in jail. Every year he chooses jail. Sarah is of course outraged to hear this, but unsurprised when she shows up to represent him in court and finds Arrogant John prosecuting the case.

And yet still they’ll fall in love by the end of the movie. I guess women always think they can change a man. They can’t, of course, not in real life, not really. But is it romantic to try? Some would say Sarah needs higher standards, but she’s already looking down on everyone from her high horse, so I’m not sure that’s a workable solution. Nor does it solve Mr. Landis’ problem, in case anyone still cares. Not to worry: due to some really spiffy timing, there’s going to be a Christmas miracle.

The only interesting thing in this movie is during one scene near the end when a bunch of people are pitching in on a construction project, I pitied the actors as they were clearly working in actual winter conditions, with a wet snow falling and a cold wind blowing it in their faces while they pretended to be cheerful about frozen manual labour. The wet, windy snow felt so familiar I wondered whether it had been filmed in our neck of the woods, and wouldn’t you know it had! (You know you’re Canadian when you recognize snow.)

This movie is baffling but relatively inoffensive, so have at it, or don’t, it’s really no thermal lining off my mittens either way.

Phoebe (Beverley Mitchell) and childhood bff Laurie (Benedicte Belizaire) co-own the Seeing Green florist shop where they go all out at Christmas. Phoebe is very attached to tradition and so adverse to change that Laurie’s slightly different twist on Christmas decorations gives her anxiety. Worse still, Candy Cane Lane, a street in her neighbourhood famous for its well-lit homes, won’t be happening this year for the first time Phoebe can remember – or possibly ever again thanks to dwindling interest. Laurie sees this as an opportunity for Phoebe to step outside of her stifling comfort zone and encourages her to try new things in attempt to fill these new voids.

That’s how Phoebe meets (well, re-meets) Eric (Mark Ghanimé), a very handsome veterinarian whose only flaw is having closed himself off from love after a bad break-up. Seriously, piercing green eyes AND he likes dogs? Take me now!

But no. Settle down, folks. This is a very respectable Hallmark holiday movie we’re talking about, and Eric is a true gentleman whose only known hobby is hanging out in a retirement residence with his aunt (Sean recognized it as local: this film was shot right here in our backyard). Although Hallmark guarantees a happy ending and true love forever, it can’t make it too easy on you, or it wouldn’t achieve its 91 minute runtime. A series of misunderstandings will do the trick, and string us along until it’s time to kiss and commit. Ah, Hallmark, you traditional old fool.