Tag Archives: Disney

Up

Although this may be my favourite film in the universe, I have never been brave enough to attempt a review. The last time I was at Disney World, I was tickled to bring home a piece of the film – a pencil drawing signed by the artist, of Carl and Ellie as goofy, gap-toothed, be-goggled kids. I liked the drawing so much I had it tattooed on my shoulder. I have a grape soda pin so I can also be part of the club. I 980xhave an adventure book that is filled to bursting with our travels. It’s safe to say I’ve had a love affair with this movie, and with Carl and Ellie, who are not unlike Sean and Jay – he mostly silent, she effervescent, talkative enough for two. Though we have not experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage (which has got to be the most poignant, most difficult, most gut-wrenching scene in any cartoon in the history of the world), we are in the same way just a couple of explorers looking to get lost in the world.

Carl and Ellie are brilliantly animated in that his body is basically square, and hers is basically round. Everything around them mimics their distinct shapes. Carl’s recliner is square, while Ellie’s chair is round. His glasses are square, and hers are oval. It’s only when we meet a villain that we start to see triangles. Sean is a definite tall drink of rectangle himself, and I am the round little sausage beside him.

Recently widowed, Carl is also facing the loss of his home; pushy developers wantc09e23050e099ba42b93a7d02aeca25d him out, and he’s the last holdout in his neighbourhood. Carl isn’t ready for Shady Oaks Retirement Village, but it doesn’t look like he has much choice, so he breaks out the only weapon left in his arsenal: a tank or 3000 of helium (Pixar estimates he’d need between 12 and 25 million balloons to actually do the trick; they’ve animated 10286). Carl sets his sights for Paradise Falls, the destination he and Ellie always meant to visit but never did.

[Sidebar: Roughly 5 years ago, Sean and I were on a cruise in the Bahamas, and we were taking a shuttle van toward some excursion. There was an elderly couple also in the van, the old man riding shotgun needing several little hops before he made it into the passenger seat, and his wife sitting beside me in the mid section. They were very excited to finally be taking this dream vacation, and the old guy advised Sean on how to properly live his life, ie, by saving diligently so that he could afford to take me to the Bahamas when we were retired. Never mind that we were already in the Bahamas. Only come to find out, his was was actually his second wife, and the poor wife who had responsibly saved her pennies her whole life had passed before earning her reward. This has always struck me as the ultimate tragedy; perhaps it hits close to home because with my disability due to autoimmune disease, I likely have a vastly shortened lifespan. That’s why Sean and I are always traveling. That’s why we’re in Disney World right now, just a month after Mexico, because I’ll be damned if I let his second wife get the Bahamas trip. Bitch.]

Anyway, the one thing Carl doesn’t account for is a stowaway. Wilderness Explorer
Russell has been trying to earn his “assisting the elderly” badge, and just happened to be on or under Carl’s porch when the house took off. Russell is unaccountably adorable, and when you pair him with super dog Dug, the effect is positively cuteness overload. Dug wears a dog-to-English translator, so we know he says things like “I have just met you, and I love you” and that’s exactly what a dog WOULD say! This movie is Jay kryptonite. It murders me right in the emotions.

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So you can imagine the puddle of feels I’ll be when I meet Russell at Disney World. In fact, I already have – and Dug, too. But since I’ve been, they’ve added UP! A Great Bird Adventure (presumably after Kevin, the infamous snipe), so I’ll be trying to keep it together in the front row in my pretty Up dress. Yes, I’m a sucker. A sucker for love. And for doing second-wife stuff during my first-wife tenure.

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Top 10 Disney Dogs

You’ve likely heard about our trip to Disney World by now, and you may have even seen me in one of several Disney dresses. One dress that I did not buy was the Disney dog dress (praise be – yes, there IS such a thing!) and Sean was very disappointed in its exclusion. The dress featured so many of our favourite canine characters that I decided to dedicate a list to our furry friends – especially mine, who have been left home for the duration of our travels. Miss you love you see you soon!

tenor10. Lady, Lady and the Tramp. This is a pure romantical addition to the list. Not only are she and her beau #couplesgoals, she inspires pure #hairenvy too. And she’s a dog! But dogs are better than people, and I’ve never had a date half as romantic as slurping noodles for two (though I likely have nosed a meatball onto my partner’s plate – don’t ask).

9. Pluto, various. Mickey Mouse has a pal named Goofy, who is an anthropomorphic dog. He wears clothes and walks upright and has fingers and speaks. Mickey also has a pet dog, and his name is Pluto. Pluto does none of the above. He’s all dog, mouse’s best friend. He’s adventurous and friendly, though prone to panic when encountering something unknown. Since he doesn’t talk, he relies on physical comedy, and those beloved bits have ensured him a place among the sensational six (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto) though Pluto rarely if EVER has a starring role. He proves yet again how well Disney does sidekicks.
8. Percy, Pocahontas. Percy the pug is the pampered sidekick to the evil Governor Radcliffe. Though the other sailors slop around below-decks, Percy lives a life of percy_bannerluxury, taking bubble baths and eating dog bones off a carousel. If only I lived so well! But once they land in America, Percy switches allegiances, befriending not just Pocahontas, but her animal friends as well – notably, a scampy raccoon named Meeko who is the real reason I’ve included Percy. Meeko is not a dog, but he may as well be. I think these are a beautiful inclusion because they do something their humans are unable to do: they put their differences aside and build a friendship. Dogs really are better than people.
7. Bolt, Bolt. Bolt is a white German shepherd and the star of a TV series about a canine super hero. But this work has led Bolt to believe that he is in fact a super hero though he is actually just an actor. However, that theory’s going to be put the test when he becomes separated from his owner and has to prove his mettle on his own and find his way home.  It’s a very sweet story about self-discovery and self-worth, and the star is an adorable cartoon dog that you can’t help but love.
6. Sparky, Frankenweenie. Victor and his dog Sparky are incredibly close. When tumblr_naagudxrk11t3ly41o5_500Sparky dies, Jay cries. That’s just how it is. We’ve only spent a few opening scenes with 11 year old Victor and his pal Sparky, but Sparky’s end is tragic, and we feel it deep in our bones. But Victor is a cunning, smart kid – and very interested in science. So he manages to resurrect his dog. Sparky lives again, even if he is a little worse for wear, a little Frankenstein’s monstery. I live with 4 dogs who are my little floofy loves, and it would destroy me should they pass before me. So this movie speaks to me. Loudly. And it’s just a great film.
5. Sultan (Footstool), Beauty and the Beast. Beauty and the Beast is a beautifully animated fairy tale with a problematic plot. If you’re worried about it on account of the whole kidnap-victim-stolkholm-syndrome-bestiality bit, you’re not wrong. But let me tell you about what also bothers me: an old lady visits a castle on a stormy night and begs to stay the night. When the prince refuses, she turns him into a beast and he has until the age of 21 to make someone fall in love with him in his hideous state. This old witch doesn’t just punish the guilty party though – she somehow feels justified in turning the entire service staff into household objects even though 243542bac940896166a1a4fdc1dccda0they’ve done nothing wrong, and leaves them that way – “ten long years we’ve been rusting” sings a chandelier. Record scratch. 10 years? That’s right. The prince was only 10 years old, home alone, a latchkey kid when a stranger knocked on his door one night. Probably his parents warned him to never, ever let a stranger into the house when they weren’t there just like mine and yours did. And for that sin he receives this cruel punishment? He spends his formative years completely isolated and disfigured and yet still has enough humanity, enough sensitivity to impress a haughty young bookworm named Belle? Astounding. Also noteworthy: his staff has also managed to remain in good humour. Especially the castle’s pet dog Sultan, who gets turned into a footstool. I love seeing that footstool bounce around in the snow. He relishes being “pet” but then rushes to provide foot support to his guests as well. He’s loyal and sweet, proving that the dog’s spirit is just as much alive as ever in the footstool – which is actually kind of a harrowing realization for everyone else, but let’s not dwell.
flat,550x550,075,f.u24. Dante, Coco. Dante is a skinny Xoloitzxuintle, a street dog when Miguel adopts him, and forever obsessed with food, which often gets him (and Miguel!) into embarrassing situations. But their bond means Dante will forever be loyal to Miguel and his clan; he even follows him into the land of the dead and becomes the world’s most adorably neon spirit guide. Though Dante appears to be a simple-minded goofball, he actually imperceptibly guides Miguel toward where he needs to be – “Who’s a good spirit guide? You are!”

3. Slinky, Toy Story. Slinky dog is a friend to all toys, but seems especially loyal to Woody, and sometimes acts like his pet, which I suppose is fitting. He was voiced byslinky-dog-dash_full_32389 Jim Varney, who died of lung cancer shortly after Toy Story 2’s release; he has since been voiced by Varney’s friend, Blake Clark. In tribute, Slink’s catchphrase is “Golly bob-howdy” just like Ernest. Disney World has just opened up a new section of Hollywood Studios dedicated to Toy Story and one of its most popular attractions is the Slinky Dog Dash – which is a misleading way to describe a roller-coaster, if you ask me. Will I be too chicken to ride it? All signs point to yes.

2. Stitch, Lilo & Stitch. Technically, Stitch is an illegal alien science experiment (#626) dagg4hrgone wrong, not a dog. But when he’s exiled to Earth, he winds up in a dog pound, and adopts a more dog-like shape when he’s adopted by Lilo and her sister Noni. His nature is to destroy everything he touches, but when he becomes part of Lilo’s family, a valued and beloved pet, he changes in some essential ways. This movie is all about family, and a good reminder of a pet’s precious place in a family home.
1. Dug, Up. Dug is a chubby golden retriever, loyal and silly and lovable. And easily giphydistracted by squirrels! He likes people instantly, he bonds fiercely, and best of all, he talks! Rather, he wears a collar that decodes his thoughts into understandable English. And wouldn’t you just die to have that for your own pet at home? Dug is my favourite dog in my favourite movie, and everyone agrees: he was awarded the Palm Dog Award by the British film critics as the best canine performances at Cannes, beating out the fox from Antichrist, and the black poodle from Inglorious Basterds. I’ve already met Dug once, on a previous pilgrimage to Disney, and you bet I’m going to stand in line to do it again!

Old School Disney

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is a movie as old as my grandmother. Snow was renowned for her beauty and charm, and a mouthy mirror made the mistake of saying giphy (1)as much to Snow’s step-mother, whose ego couldn’t handle the truth. So Snow White fled to the forest, where she befriended a group of miners. It wasn’t enough to save her, though, the Queen is evil but she’s good with follow-through, you have to give her that. She stalks Snow through the woods in a very convincing crone costume and a poisoned apple – one bite, and Snow falls into a coma, to be wakened only by true love’s kiss. Which is creepy, absolutely, but let’s not forget we live in a society where people marry murderers after exchanging pornographic letters with them in prison, so comparatively, falling in love with a woman who is beautiful AND never tells you to pick up your socks? She’s perfect! This movie was huge for Disney. It was huge, period. It made 4 times as much money as any other film that year, attracting audience members of all ages – though after its engagement ended at Radio City Music Hall, all the chairs had to be re-upholstered because the forest sequence proved pants-wettingly frightening to small children.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs won an honourary Academy Award for Walt Disney blog_bedi-joyce-tatarewicz-joseph-2016-02-28_walt-disney-shirley-temple-oscars-1939-snow-white-from-ampas“as a significant screen innovation which has charmed millions and pioneered a great new entertainment field”. Disney received a full-size Oscar statuette and 7 miniature ones, presented to him by 10-year-old Shirley Temple.

In 1950, Disney hadn’t had a hit since Snow White, way back in 1937. The studio was up to its mouse ears in debt, and Cinderella, at a cost of 3 million to make, was a huge gamble. Had it failed at the box office, Disney Studios would have been sunk. Imagine living without Disney’s legacy, without the magic of whichever of its movies you grew up on. Luckily, Cinderella was a milestone in Disney’s filmography. It garnered 3 Oscar nominations and was the 3rd highest grossing film of the year, after King Solomon’s Mine and All About Eve. Between box office receipts, music sales, and merchandising, Disney had enough cash to finance a whole slate of new films, start up its own distribution company, get into TV, and start building Disneyland.

tepidpersonaljaeger-smallThis week, Sean and I are at Disney World, and the first thing you see in Magic Kingdom, the very symbol of the park and of the company itself, is Cinderella’s Castle. That movie is nearly 70 years old but it was Disney’s rags to riches story. In 2018, Disney reported a revenue of 59.43 billion USD, and it was Cinderella who saved their sorry asses from bankruptcy. And don’t you just love the feminist bent of referring to it as Cinderella’s Castle? Bitch just moved in yesterday, but she stormed that castle like Jackie O took the White House. I can only hope we start referring to Buckingham Palace as Megnan Markle’s Castle.

At the park, you can walk through her 189′ tall castle (it looks taller thanks to forced perspective trickery), enjoying its soaring spires, ornate turrets, its tranquil moat, and the wishing well surrounded by rose bushes. Within the castle corridor, you’ll see 5 handcrafted mosaic murals containing 14-karat gold and silver plus over a million pieces of glass in 500 different colours that tell the classic Cinderella story. If you’re looking for a little luxury, you can have a real princess experience by dining inside the caste, at the cinderellas-royal-table_full_30908royal table, with princesses (which, yes, okay, I admit I will be doing this tonight). OR, if you’ve got a little girl who wants to be a princess herself, there’s the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, a spa where fairy godmothers will do hair, makeup, and nails for little girls ages 3-12 (and where you can of course pick up a princess dress, at an additional additional cost). Which is unfair, because I’m like, a quarter past 12 or something ridiculous, and they do not cater to little big girls such as myself. However, they do have a character couture experience at Disney spas, where even I can have my hair, makeup, and nails done, inspired by the character of my choice – so if you’re feeling a little more Ursula than Ariel, that’s cool too. The truth is, while children are encouraged to come to the parks dressed as their favourite characters, adults are forbidden to wear costumes at Disney. Disney really wants to preserve the magic, and it just wouldn’t do to have 2 Cinderellas wandering around, and certainly not a sub-par Cinderella wearing Crocs instead of glass slippers under her gown, and who’s a little pink in the face from lining up for rides in the hot sun all day long. If Sean was feeling extra romantic, you can up the ante at the royal table by having a glass slipper presented on a bed of roses waiting for your sweetheart at your table. Or even a chocolate glass slipper. Or a tiara. Or a scepter and a royal proclamation. Yes, really. Disney leaves no stone unturned in the quest to part us from our money.

WALL-E

I never appreciated just how dark the opening to Wall-E is. The landscape is littered not just with trash, but with the busted skeletons of old Wall-E models that have met their doom while relentlessly cubing trash. In fact, Wall-E sizes up one robot corpse and swaps his worn out tracks for the newer ones on the dead body of his comrade – very reminiscent of war movies where soldiers are always on the lookout for newer boots, and the soul-crushing way they’ll pry them off a bloated corpse if necessary.

Wall-E, by the way, is the last functioning trash-compacting robot (Waste Allocation Load Lifter: Earth Class) on Earth. All the humans fled 700 years ago when the Earth was overwhelmed with garbage. The whole living in space thing was thought to be temporary (5 years), but no amount of Wall-Es could get the job done, and eventually all but our Wall-E became trash themselves. Wall-E is a bit of a hoarder; he collects MV5BMjZkODJmYzktMDYzNi00NWQ3LTllZTMtMWVhOTgxY2U4ODA3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNzA4NzQyMjk@._V1_human treasures much the way Ariel does in The Little Mermaid. He’s got a Rubik’s cube and an Atari and he loves to watch Hello, Dolly!, which keeps his romantic streak alive despite living a pretty solitary life. But then one day a lovely robot named Eve (Extra-terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator) gets sent to Earth to search for signs of life. Having found a seedling, she jets back to the Axiom where humans have been living for more than 250 000 days, despite some “slight” bone loss. Enamoured, Wall-E follows her there, where her positive probe engages a return-to-Earth protocol. Unfortunately, the ship’s autopilot computer has other ideas.

The first 20 minutes or so of Wall-E are dialogue-free. This put many people off the film, but I didn’t even notice, so enraptured was I by stunning visuals. Cinematographer Roger Deakins was consulted to see how he might light and shoot the scenes, and he was happy to oblige. Those opening scenes therefore look like some of his atmospheric, sepia-hued stuff, and it’s no accident.

Wall-E has a magic that cannot quite be explained. It’s a sci-fi epic that manages to give us a glimpse into the future through the telescope of a current issue, while maintaining a nostalgic reverence. It’s Back To The Future, but with robots, and gelatinous blobs that used to be human (which begs the question: when a blobby human falls out of their chair, and literally cannot right himself without robot assistance, how in the heck are they still fucking?). Minor qualms aside, Wall-E is exhilarating and beautiful. You may know that I’m reviewing Disney movies this week because I’m at Disney World with my two sweetheart nephews, who are sure to make the experience a memorable one. It puts a literal pinch in my heart to say this, but they’re both born after Wall-E came out. Gulp. So they may not be searching for signs of Wall-E in the Magic Kingdom, but I will be – or I would be, if Wall-E had any presence at all. Sadly, he does not. Which is weird, because Wall-E was a huge movie in 2008, and it went on to score 6 Oscar nominations, a feat that had only been equaled by Beauty and the Beast, and you can be sure that both Belle and the Beast are featured heavily in these parks. In fact we’ll be dining on “the grey stuff” in the Beast’s castle, whether or not the boys get the reference because their mother and I grew up on 90s Disney, and the last time I checked, it was our Visas doing the heavy lifting.

Speaking of which, I have in fact visited Disney World once before, when the older of my two nephews was but a babe of 18 months. I had heard about this magical place all my life, and it didn’t matter that my first visit was as an adult, I went at that bitch with childhood wonder, delighting in Mickey-shaped ice cream bars, waving at the mascots on parade. I was obsessed with finding the perfect set of Mickey ears, but only knew about them from my elementary school classmates who brought them back without fail, embroidered with their names, from their own Disney vacations. I didn’t realize that today there are hundreds of dozens of possibilities: ears for every occasion, for every character, for every film, for every ride in every park. It was so overwhelming I spent my whole vacation embarrassingly ear-less. This time I’m anticipating being crippled with indecision and I’ve done two brilliant things:

  1. I’ve warned Sean to bring ALL the money.
  2. I’ve given myself permission to buy new ears each day.
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I’ve already pre-scouted these Wall-E ears that will be very hard to resist. But I think we can all agree that they only work if I can convince Sean to wear the other pair. And though the man is smart enough to never say no to me, he also doesn’t have a whimsical bone in his body and i’m just not sure I can do it to him. But probably I can! After all, this is the place where dreams really do come true.
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Disney Movies Based on Rides

I am no fan of Johnny Depp, or Orlando Bloom, or stupid movies, so when Pirates of the Caribbean came out, I didn’t need another reason not to see it. But a movie based on a ride? What does that even mean? Of course, at the time, I’d never been to Disney World, so I didn’t understand to what lengths Disney goes to actually tell a story with its rides. This was not such a stretch. Nor was it the first of its kind. In fact, unknown to me, there were several movies based on rides coming out at the same time.

The Haunted Mansion is a much-loved ride at Disney. Sean remembers it from anigif_enhanced-5175-1444687916-5childhood, but the ride is even older than he is – it opened in 1969 in Disneyland, and 1971 in Disney World, and both are still operating today. You ride in a doom-buggy through a dark, spook-filled mansion. To this day, Sean is disappointed that his little sister ruined the ride for him – her little body occupying the space between Sean and his dad meant that they didn’t see the ghost in their cart, but two-person carts are treated to a spectral sight between them, among many other spooky tricks.

The movie The Haunted Mansion (2003) managed to come out to so little fanfare that I never knew it existed. Its story doesn’t really draw much inspiration from the ghosts that are known and loved for the WDW ride, but anyone who’s ridden it in Paris might find something more familiar. Eddie Murphy plays Jim Evers, a real estate agent who works alongside his wife, Sara (Marsha Thomason). He’s a mv5bnzc4nwyzzjctytm5os00odqylwfiyjetmdkyzgezndexnmrhl2ltywdlxkeyxkfqcgdeqxvymzq2odyxodq@._v1_workaholic and they’re supposed to be at the lake with their kids this weekend, but instead he can’t resist a detour to check out a potential listing – a cobwebbed, derelict mansion. Its “master” Gracey (Nathanial Parker) is reclusive and his butler, Ramsley (Terence Stamp), is…protective. Jennifer Tilly, Wallace Shawn, and Dina Waters round out the the mansion’s creepy staff.

While the ride manages to mix horror with humour, the movie doesn’t quite manage either. In fact, I was constantly distracted by the memory of Eddie Murphy’s stand-up routine wherein he avowed that no black person would ever star in a haunted house horror movie because they would have sense enough to just leave the minute they saw anything supernatural. The Evers family does not leave. The audience feels very much like they have overstayed their welcome. Guillermo Del Toro was rumoured to be remaking this film, and I cannot overstate how very welcome that would be, but he has since parted ways with Disney so the film seems increasingly unlikely. Boo.

Country Bear Jamboree is a bunch of ursine animatronics who put on a country the-country-bear-bear-band-bears-now-in-high-definitionmusic spectacle, and have done so in Walt Disney World since 1971 – and they do to this day, in a slightly revamped version. I find it fascinating that park-goers in 2019 continue to be entertained satisfactorily by “technology” that was obsolete before most of them were born (if the popularity of the Millennial Pink Minnie mouse ears are any indicator of the park’s demographics). And yet the bears can still be found strumming banjos and talking to taxidermied heads in Frontierland.

The Country Bears  (2002) is beary disappointing. The bears are basically just people wearing dopey bear costumes, and the movie is live-action, with bears and humans mixing unreservedly. However, little Beary Barrington (voice: Haley Joel Osment) knows that he is different from his human brother and human parents. He’s detail.9e4f2ff3adopted. The only kinship he feels is toward The Country Bears, a defunct country-rock band made up of bears, who have since broken up. When Beary runs away from home to The Country Bears’ favourite venue, he finds it derelict, and about to be torn down. In a bid to save it, he tries to reunite the band for a fundraiser reunion concert. It’s a bafflingly bad film with zero laughs. I don’t know how it got made, I don’t know which 17 people went to a theatre to see it, and I don’t know how The Muppets got away with stealing this exact plot line 9 years later. And yes that’s Christopher Walken in the photo.

Top 10 Disney Songs

My little heart is swollen with song lately, because I’ve discovered that Disney has put 90s-era soundtracks out on vinyl and I’m acutely here for it. I’ve got The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and The Beast, and Aladdin, and I’m just fluttering around my home like a goddamn Disney princess, fully expecting a bird to tie a bow in my hair at literally any moment. I’m at Disney World, looking for any excuse to blow my wad (of money), quite possibly scouring its shops, hundreds of shops, for more soundtracks to add to my collection.

Admit it – you’ve got a favourite Disney song. I’ve got dozens. So just know that to whittle the list down to 10 was excruciating.

10. When She Loved Me, Toy Story 2. Written by Randy Newman and performed by Sarah McLachlan. I don’t even like Sarah McLachlan, like at all, but this song is perfect as it backs a montage wherein Jessie reveals her melancholy to pal Woody. How her previous owner outgrew her and ultimately left her forgotten at the side of the road. I don’t know many people who made it through the song dry-eyed and I’m sure I don’t know ANYONE who survived it without some pretty definitely pangs of guilt for our own neglected toys. It’s seriously one of the saddest songs ever written for film, especially when you hear it as a metaphor for children growing up and leaving their parents as well:

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
And when was happy so was Igrandspiritedbrahmanbull-small
When she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she’d say I will always love you

Big gulps. Oddly (in my opinion), this movie didn’t win the Oscar that year – it went instead to You’ll Be In My Heart, from Tarzan, which is a good song, but you’ll not see it on this list.

9. Remember Me, Coco. Written by Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez. Performed in the film by  Benjamin Bratt, Gael García Bernal, Anthony Gonzalez, and Ana Ofelia Murguía. Miguel and Natalia Lafourcade do the pop cover that plays over the credits. It’s used several times throughout the movie. We first hear it as Ernesto de la Cruz’s big hit song, a plea to his fans to revere him always, and then come to realize that it’s actually Hector’s song, a special lullaby for his baby daughter. The song is then used by Miguel to reach his great-grandmother, Coco, through the webs of her dementia. It’s a song that crosses multiple generations and unites them all.

I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you
Each night we are apart
Remember me

8. You’re Welcome, Moana. Moana overflows with beautiful music. How Far I’ll Go is an absolute treasure and We Know The Way is absurdly good, but for my money, it’s You’re Welcome every time, because it’s the one that my nephew, no more than 2 or 3 at the time but already a rock star in his heart, would break into randomly. Written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, it’s performed by Dwayne The Rock Johnson, who, in case you haven’t noticed, is not a singer. But Miranda crafts the perfect song for his talents, and the perfect song for Maui to sing boastfully while hoodwinking Moana.

I know it’s a lot, the hair, the bod
When you’re staring at a demigod
What can I say except “You’re welcome”

7. Colors of The Wind, Pocahontas. Written by lyricist Stephen Schwartz and composer Alan Menken, this song was lauded as one of Disney’s best in many years. Vanessa Williams provided the pop cover that would be released ahead of the film, while Judy Kuhn did the singing in the movie. Inspiration was drawn Native American poetry, music and folklore, with an emphasis on the beauty of nature, and the special relationship that Pocahontas and her people had with it. The song is also in part a confrontation with John Smith regarding his Eurocentrism. It is philosophical rather than humourous, which was quite a departure for Disney at the time (1995) but it went on to win the Golden Globe for Best Original Song, the Grammy for Best Song Written for a Motion Picture, and the Oscar for Best Original Song, beating out Bruce Springsteen’s Dead Man Walkin, Bryan Adams’ Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman, and Randy Newman’s You’ve Got a Friend In Me from Toy Story.

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew, you never knew

6. He Mele No Lilo, Lilo & Stitch. Lilo & Stitch has an absurdly fun soundtrack, brimming with great Elvis tunes. But this song, written by Mark Kealiʻi Hoʻomalu and Alan Silvestri, and performed by Ho’omalu and the Kamehameha Schools children’s chorus, has a distinct Hawaiian flavour that needs to be savoured.

5. Why Should I Worry, Oliver & Company. I swear my tail is wagging already. Written by written by Dan Hartman and Charlie Midnight, and performed by Billy Joel, it’s song sung by a street-wise dog to a kitten named Oliver who’s recently joined his gang of merry thieves (the movie is based on Oliver Twist). It’s got a bluesy feel to it, and it sounds exactly like the kind of song Billy Joel would sing if he was a dog. Or even if he wasn’t. Which he’s not.

4. A Whole New World, Aladdin. Truly I could have just as easily picked Friend Like Me, which is such an excellent use of Robin Williams’ many talents, but honestly, this ballad is the stuff Disney dreams are made of. I love that it’s a duet between Aladdin and Jasmine; it sounds like a musical discovery, full of wonder and awe. You can hear and taste the freedom. With music by Alan Menken and lyrics by Tim Rice, Disney had another insta-, mega-hit on their hands. Performed by Brad Kane and Lea Salonga in the film, and by Peobo Bryson and Regina Belle on the radio cover, it went on to win the Oscar for Best Original Song, and earned a Grammy for Song of Year. Song of the whole freaking Year! – the first and only time a Disney song has done that. It also went to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, bumping Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You out of its 14 week stranglehold.

3. I Just Can’t Wait To Be King, The Lion King. 3 out of 5 songs nominated for Best Original Song at the 1994 Academy Awards were from The Lion King. This isn’t one of them. Oh sure, Elton John can belt out a ballad, but this song sounds so joyous to me. Simba is still a naive little cub, and he can only think of the perks of the job, like when a kid imagines that as an adult, he’ll eat ice cream for dinner every night, and doesn’t realize that it’s really about the bills, bills, bills. With music by Elton John and lyrics by Tim Rice, the song is performed by Jason Weaver, Laura Williams and Rowan Atkinson in the film. This may be The Lion King’s underdog song, but it’s catchy, bouncy, festive, goddammit, it’s happy. Simba’s dad is still alive, his uncle is only plotting murder, he doesn’t yet have a flatulent roommate, and he’s still living the bachelor lifestyle. Life is good.

2. Kiss The Girl, The Little Mermaid. It was nearly impossible for me not to pick Part of Your World; my sisters had mermaid choreography to this song that they performed daily, hourly, in our pool. But Kiss The Girl is so interestingly atmospheric in unexpected ways. It’s definitely the only ballad on this list performed by a calypso crab deeply, oddly invested in a smooch between a mute and an oblivious prince. Written by composer Alan Menken and lyricist Howard Ashman and performed by Samuel Wright, it was nominated for both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for Best Original Song but lost both to another song from the movie, Under The Sea.

1.Be Our Guest, Beauty and the Beast. Once again, Beauty and The Beast managed 3 Oscar nominations for Best Original Song from a single film, and though this one was nominated, it lost to the titular enchanting ballad sung by Celine Dion. But Academy voters were wrong. Be Our Guest is superior is every conceivable way. Beauty and the Beast is a super magical movie that is way problematic if you stop and think about it for even a millisecond so DON’T. Do not. Hang on to your whimsy and just enjoy. An anthropomorphic candelabra is a fine dining advocate, and an entire dinner service comes alive just to get some hot soup into a waif. It’s magnificent.

 

 

Sean and I are at Disney this week, so stay tuned to be inundated with the happiest place on Earth.

Ralph Breaks the Internet

For the life of me I cannot get the title of this movie right.  I’m so used to Wreck-It Ralph wrecking stuff, not breaking it.  So I’m trying to adjust to this relatively small change, but it’s been tough, and that must mean I’m getting old.

In related news, my knee started hurting this week for no reason at all.  Granted, it worked out just fine because I used my knee pain as a convenient excuse to storalph-breaks-the-internet5p cleaning the kitchen and start playing Red Dead Redemption 2, but still.  Making me feel even older is that I just learned it has been six full years since Wreck-It Ralph was released and I never would have guessed it had been so long.

Just like in the real world, six years have passed for Ralph (John C. Reilly), Princess Vanellope von Schweetz (Sarah Silverman) and the rest of the gaming gang, who have all settled into comfortable routines inside Litwak’s Family Fun Center & Arcade.  Sure, the routine may be a little boring, but Ralph is happy with his predictable days and nights, wrecking (sorry, breaking) Fix-It Felix’s building by day, and hanging out with Vanellope at night.  Vanellope, on the other hand, feels trapped by her routine, having mastered the three available race tracks in her game.  When Ralph tries to alleviate Vanellope’s boredom by building a new track, things get both wrecked and broken, and Ralph and Vanellope are forced to explore the arcade’s newly-installed internet in search of a new steering wheel for Vanellope’s game.

Of all the things in the world besides my knee (which is feeling much better, thanks for asking, though if Jay asks tell her I need a few more days off to fully recover), there is probably nothing that makes me feel older than not knowing any of the memes that have come out in the last decade, except for the select few that Jay has taught me about after realizing I had no idea that (insert hilarious meme) was a thing.  And, as you may have guessed, there are a lot of memes referenced in Ralph Breaks the Internet.  The nice thing is, I felt like Ralph (with some minor help from the creative team) went out of his way to ensure I didn’t feel old for not knowing that (bee puns) were a thing.  Ralph simply made me laugh at his bee pun, and at all of his aprincesses4ttempts to help Vanellope get her new steering wheel.

Ralph’s antics would have made for a decent sequel just on their own, but Ralph wasn’t alone.  Every one of the supporting players in Ralph Breaks the Internet make their own contribution to the comedy.   I was particularly impressed at how the Disney princesses were incorporated, not (just) as a shameless product placement but as a way to teach Vanellope about her hidden princess talents.

The only criticism I might make is that the movie probably included a few too many characters and references, and ends up a bit long as a result.   But don’t ask me what I would have cut out, because everything that’s here is consistently good and often great.  Ralph Breaks the Internet is a very clever and accessible comedy that will provide plenty of laughs for everyone, regardless of age and regardless of whether you’ve ever heard of a screaming goat.  What a wonderfully comforting thing that is (the accessible comedy, not the goat’s screams).  It made me feel young again, a feeling that should last until my next random ache.  Meaning I may need to see this one again very soon.