Tag Archives: holiday movies

Desperately Seeking Santa

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Jennifer is in charge of…promotions? maybe? at a fledgling Boston mall. Her job description may be a bit vague, but at least two things are certain: 1. her boss is threatening to close the mall altogether if she doesn’t increase sales 2. she determines to do this by…hiring a sexy Santa.

The traditional mall Santa is probably not in any danger of going extinct, at least not before malls themselves do, but new and improved Santas are in fact popping up everywhere, not just in shitty Christmas movies. A mall here in Canada had a series of Fashion Santas, who proved extremely popular and had a whole new demographic lining up to sit on his lap.

Another mall here in Ottawa has what they call a Spooky Santa. If he looks a little familiar, he’s clearly a Jack Skellington rip-off (from the Nightmare Before Christmas), again meant to bring in new shoppers not normally interested in sharing lists with cis-Santa.

The sexy Santa that Jennifer has hired for he failing mall is none of these things. He’s blandly good looking in a made-for-TV-movie sort of way, I suppose, but he’s definitely nothing special. For some reason they make him learn a lot of dances. I might feel a little more forgiving if we weren’t endlessly subjected to choreography montages, and then the dances turn out to be quite underwhelming, though performed persistently with no shirt underneath the velour Santa coat. I do object.

Meanwhile, sexy Santa (or David as his family calls him), is studying to be an EMT while struggling to save his family’s Italian restaurant, which is being pushed out of its neighbourhood by a mean developer. Sexy Santa cash is going straight to the lawyers.

Spoiler alert: Jennifer’s boss is also the mean developer. And Jennifer’s boyfriend is his right-hand man. So when the love-hate relationship between Jen and David starts spitting sparks, we hardly feel bad about their imminent affair. Of course, it’s hard to care about anything at all when the script is atrocious and the film just stark raving bad.

A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish

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Sean has called this movie the Coyote Ugly of Christmas movies. Um. Coyote Ugly might be aspirational for this movie. But it’s kind of a funny statement for a film that tells you its biggest influence right in the title. And yet.

Kat (Laura Marano) is in fact both a Cinderella type AND a Violet (that’s Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly, in case you’re wondering – yes I had to look it up) AND part elf. Kat is an aspiring singer-songwriter who works in Santa’s Village, dreaming big and biding her time until she turns 18. Meanwhile she lives with her step-mother and step-sisters, who are truly awful to her and make her do all the chores. But at work she’s falling for Santa, which is probably as weird a that sounds because at first they only know their costumed selves. But eventually Santa reveals himself to be Nick (Gregg Sulkin), the son of Mr. Winterbottom, the richest man in town. But Kat closely guards her true identity (though let’s be honest: it consists solely of a wig…Nick must be pretty dense), vowing only to reveal it at the charity gala. Of course, if you know the fairy tale, you know Kat’s “steps” aren’t about to let that happen.

The step-mother and step-sisters have excessively, wonderfully gaudy costumes and hair but the characters are so over-the-top there’s just no basis in reality and it’s hard to guess where on the spectrum the filmmakers were aiming for. And that’s if the cheaply-executed music videos and song & dance numbers (auto-tuned within an inch of their lives) sprinkled throughout don’t get you down. And then there’s the ball charity gala, which was clearly and achingly shot with so little budget they were forced use a high school auditorium for the set. And a very hokey elf dance can only mean that for all Mr. Winterbottom’s wealth, the man has no taste.

I can’t imagine any grown human being liking this movie, but Sulkin is cute enough that this movie may fit the bill for tween girls looking for some PG romance.

The Christmas Lodge

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This Christmas rom-com features a threesome: Mary, Jack, and The Lord.

If that sounds like something that doesn’t give you the heebie jeebies, it’s about a woman who visits the dilapidated lodge her family used to host their Christmases at when she was a child. She helps its owner restore it to its former glory, allowing her grieving grandfather one last holiday in a familiar place still haunted by the memory of his wife.

The Christmas Lodge is not good and should not be undertaken unless you like major plot points to come randomly from the bible. It literally asks (and answers): what would Jesus do? And surprisingly, the answer was not: turn the channel.

Chistmas With The Kranks

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There was a time, a very weird time, when Tim Allen was the king of Christmas. He played Santa Claus in two VERY big movies and then he tried to keep the ball rolling with this one, I guess, though it hasn’t exactly captured a coveted ‘Christmas classic’ slot.

Christmas With The Kranks is confusing. Let’s start with that. Luther (Allen) and Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) Krank are opting out of Christmas this year. Their only daughter has gone to South America to join the Peace Corps so they’re unencumbered and just not motivated to go through the whole rigamarole. They’re going on a Caribbean cruise instead. Sound nice? Well you’re an idiot. For some reason, in this film, every single of one of the Kranks’ colleagues, friends, and neighbours shits all over them for daring to make this decision. You might believe that every person has the right to celebrate or not, but you’d be wrong, at least in the Kranks universe.

Here’s where it lost me: the movie itself is disgusted with Luther and Nora for their selfish decision. They’re called the KRANKS – they’re Scrooges and we’re not supposed to approve. And because they’re such Christmas-hating freaks, everyone in the movie feels entitled to bully them. Luther’s secretary shames him for his past gifts. Nora’s pastor judges her bikini body. The town devotes the entire front page of their newspaper to humiliating them (the entire front page! because they’re skipping Christmas!).The neighbours, led by busybody Vic Frohmeyer (Dan Aykroyd), pretty much make war. They wage a campaign on their house as if Christmas is not a choice. They harass poor Nora, they chase down her car, they do things I am 100% sure are chargeable offenses. Nora in particular is terrorized by them.

Which brings up something truly special: Christmas With The Kranks is a comedy. Jamie Lee Curtis plays it like it’s a Christmas-themed horror movie. Every single thing she does is over the top, manic, panic-stricken, terrified.

Someone rang the doorbell?

You suspect the boy scouts are gossiping about you?

The Christmas ham you prefer isn’t available?

But while Jamie Lee Curtis is delighting me with her wacky and unnecessary performance, her character is majorly bumming me out. Nora Krank is one of those characters who I hope only exists in movies: she lives solely to be a mother. Her whole life is her daughter – when the daughter is gone, Christmas is pointless, but when the daughter suddenly announces she’s coming home for Christmas with no notice whatsoever (rude!), Nora drops all previous plans (remember that once in a lifetime trip worth thousands of dollars?) to throw together a Christmas with no food or decorations or gifts or guests or time to prepare. Which is when their neighbours all band together to help them out and the Kranks eat crow, apologizing for their previous bad behaviour and thanking their neighbours for being so wonderful.

But, like: WHAT???? I’m so steamed that the neighbours not only don’t get their comeuppance but their inexcusable, illegal behaviour is for some reason validated??? I mean honestly, if they had behaved this way to a non-white family it would be a hate crime.

Christmas Survival

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This just in: holidays are stressful. Yours are probably easy peasy and filled with nothing but joy and bliss, but some people really struggle because: bills, over-scheduling, in-laws, forced merriment.

In this particular case, two sisters, Miranda (Gemma Whelan) and Lyla (Joely Richardson) and their families are going to try to endure a Christmas at their late parents’ run-down country home. Cars will be towed, pet turkeys named Mr. Gobbles may or may not make the ultimate sacrifice, ovens will not be hooked up in time anyway, arrests will be made, marriages will be in shambles, and at least one guest will have her hair lit on fire.

This year Christmas will be a work in progress, which is a euphemism for a series of unfortunate events. In fact, it’s such an unrelenting series of increasingly farcical events that it feels like an onslaught, and not a very happy or funny one.

Also known as Surviving Christmas With The Relatives, this film is itself to be survived. And seeing how you likely have your own little holiday scenario to survive, maybe this one is best skipped since the real thing is hard to beg out of. But if you think that perhaps you might feel just a teensy bit better knowing that someone (Miranda) has it worse, then Netflix has your back. Punish yourself, and say a little prayer for Mr. Gobbles.

The Christmas Train

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Hollywood movie director Max Powers (Danny Glover) is taking a four day long train trip toward Los Angeles along with his trusty assistant Eleanor (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), who he’s been encouraging to finally write a script of her own instead of always doctoring someone else’s, and what better inspiration than an old-timey mode of transportation full of characters just begging to be over-written.

Also on the train: Tom (Dermot Mulroney), a former war correspondent turned lifestyle journalist, a young couple looking to marry on the train despite his parents’ disapproval, a lonely older man, a thief, a chess snob, oh, and a zany woman named Agnes (Joan Cusack) who seems to be in everybody else’s business. Oh and lots of people besides of course, and our two writers mine them for all they’re worth, but wait! The writers are actually of interest themselves. Turns out, they’re former flames. Some have said they were each other’s true loves. And maybe things are sliding back in that direction – or they were until Tom’s fiancée boards the train about halfway through. Drama!!!

Of course, the Hallmark gods are smiling down on the train so the romance WILL BE nurtured, even if a snowstorm has to strand the train on the tracks until true love is confessed.

The Christmas Train is perhaps a smidge more tolerable than the usual schmaltz, so I’m thankful for that, and any reason to see Dermot Mulroney’s dimples is a good one.

Hometown Christmas

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Noelle (Beverley Mitchell) is back in Louisiana for good, with a medical degree to practice alongside her father. To honour the occasion, Noelle decides to revive one of her late mother’s most loved traditions, the town’s live nativity. In fact, the log-line of the film calls it the “resurrection of the nativity” which seems like an unfortunate choice of words. I’m picturing a Franken-Jesus, but I guess that’s Easter.

Anyway, things go swimmingly for about ten seconds before Noelle finds out that her dad has her new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend (Melissa Gilbert!) is the mother of Noelle’s old boyfriend – who, incidentally, is also back in town after an injury derailed his baseball career. Noelle’s still smarting from their senior year break up but that was a decade ago and the magic of Christmas (or at least her horny dad) is making sure they spend a lot of time together lately.

Is the angel Gabriel really the MVP of heaven? What exactly is a southern snowman? Do matching pajamas make you smug or just smarmy? Will they be able to turn a barn into a stable in time? How many Little House on the Prairie references does a Hallmark Christmas romance need? Does a living nativity really need a pig AND a camel? And will this small town have enough marshmallows for both sweet potato pies AND hot cocoa????

The answers will surprise you. Make a date with Hallmark to find out.

Christmas Everlasting

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Lucy (Tatyana Ali), like 80% of Hallmark holiday movie characters, is a big city lawyer working long hours on the junior partner track. But all that comes to a screeching halt when a phone call from her uncle Barney (Dennis Haysbert) reveals that her big sister Alice has unexpected passed away.

Lucy and Alice were quite close as kids but guilt over an accident that derailed Alice’s golden life and left her with special needs has kept Lucy away. Returning home to Wisconsin, however, dispels the myth that Alice has led a small life. The whole town seems to be grieving along with Lucy, everyone eager to share some special way that Alice touched their lives. Moving back into their childhood home, Lucy is reminded that she no longer knew her sister as she once did. Alice led a full if slightly eccentric life, leaving behind excellent of proof of such when her will stipulates that for Lucy to inherit the house, she must first live there for 4 weeks – which just happen to be over the holidays.

In a coincidence only Hallmark would have the balls to suggest, Lucy’s high school sweetheart Peter (Dondré Whitfield) is acting as Alice’s attorney, but as a small town lawyer, he’s an excellent example of working to live, not living to work.

Will Lucy risk her career to inherit a house she doesn’t even want? Will she ever make friends with Alice’s snobby cat? And what the heck is up with the piles of quilts for the mysterious Maeve all over the house? Check out Christmas Everlasting, starring the Fresh Prince’s little sister, Mr. Allstate insurance, and honest to god Ms. Patti Labelle if you’d like to find out – and honestly, how can you resist?

Christmas in Evergreen, Letters to Santa

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Are you a fan the Hallmark Evergreen universe? Officially, there was just Christmas in Evergreen, but I guess the Hallmark crew couldn’t wait to go back (it’s actually Vancouver) so they threw some fake snow on the ground and came up with a “spin-off” (very loosely) set in the same quaint town you fell in love with in the first film (although, don’t worry if you never saw it, it literally has nothing to do with this one).

In this one, Lisa (Jill Wagner) finally makes good on her bucket list and takes a Christmas time trip to her hometown, Evergreen! Things have changed since she was last there. The general store has closed, and…well that’s the main thing. It inspires Lisa to put her vague skills to use restoring the to its former charm so that someone may buy it. Good thing she keeps running into hunky jack of all trades Kevin (Mark Deklin) who, despite only being in town for a week, has for some reason found various employments and accepts yet another, as Lisa’s contractor. Anyway, they find the “Mailbox to Santa” in the dusty shop; it used to be beloved for granting Christmas wishes. They convince the bakery across the street, Kringle Kitchen, to babysit it alongside their own wish-granting snow globe while the store’s under renovation. But huzzah! They find a 25 year old undelivered letter in the box and now the whole town of Evergreen rallies around it to grant one last wish.

Also there’s a subplot about a key.

Is it a super great movie? Of course not. But you love Evergreen, I love Evergreen, there’s an old Chevy truck that’s pretty great, and the star of the first film, Hallmark legend Ashley Williams, who starred in the first, and apparently her character is still there, still living her happily ever after, so why can’t Lisa and Kevin?

Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses

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Abbey (Jill Wagner) is a single mother trying to jump start her career as an interior designer after taking time off to raise her son Max (Wyatt Hunt). Luckily she’s got an excellent contact at the retirement residence where she volunteers – Caroline (Ms. Donna Mills, the one and only) recommends her for a big “estate” gig converting a lavish home into offices fit to host a holiday party on Christmas Eve. Businessman Nick (Matthew Davis) isn’t exactly immediately impressed but then again, his first impression was actually the day before when they literally ran into each other on the street, which is the cause of 80% of all romances, according to Hallmark. Coffee spillage optional but I’d say papers at minimum.

Anyway, an old man at the home is trying to fix Abbey up with a handsome, sweet doctor who likes kids while Caroline is trying to push her and Nick together, but Nick’s senior vice president might come between them if Nick’s obsession with work doesn’t do them in before they even get started. There are antiques to consider, cocoa to drink, gingerbread houses to build, trees to decorate, and actual halls to literally deck.

Oh to have two perfect men fighting over you at Christmas, befriending your dad, ready to adopt your son, adoring of your subpar work. All the best guys are either gay or on Hallmark.