All of Us Strangers

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Adam (Andrew Scott) is a lonely, sad man living alone in a vacant apartment building in London. Only, it’s not as vacant as he thought. Harry (Paul Mescal), another lonely tenant, reaches out. Adam, mired and perhaps comfortable in his grief, is hesitant to allow anyone in. But once he opens up to friendship and more, he has to start confronting the reasons he’s hidden himself away.

Adam’s parents passed away while he was still closeted and his grief is wrapped up in essential questions of identity and belonging. The way he works through his grief is unexpected and unconventional, but it packs an emotional punch. I should know: I cried like a baby coming home from the bar. Hot, fat tears and shoulder-wracking sobs that left me achy the next day. Sad but so, so good.

Oppenheimer

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What a sausage fest. They needed so many white men to fill all the roles of Oppenheimer that they scraped the bottom of the barrel and found…Josh Hartnett? From the 90s?

I mean, I’m sure it was beautifully shot and thought provoking and shit, but this is not really what I love about Christopher Nolan movies. I want to be challenged. I want my mind bent. I hardly need another unironic treatise on toxic masculinity told by the largest cast of cis white men ever assembled.

And I’m certain Ludwig Goransson provided a suitably cinematic score, but it clearly wasn’t emo enough for me, so I treated Sean to my own soundtrack of Machine Gun Kelly songs, as sung by me, my spotty memory, and my penchant for making up lyrics as needed.

I don’t even have anything bad to say about this movie. I just didn’t care that much. It wasn’t as interesting or as exciting as I’d hoped and frankly come to expect from Nolan. I would have spent these 3 hours better had I rewatched Tenet and I think we all know that’s really saying something.

Saltburn

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I’d heard a few things about Saltburn, certainly. Enough that I felt I should only come at it with loins fully girded. And yet I was in no way prepared to have such a stupendous time. Writer-director Emerald Fennell is not only at the top of her game, but she’s blowing everyone else out of the water while she’s at it. I love how her brain works, how she effortlessly translates these moments of passion, ruthlessness, insecurity, and sexual deviance into pure cinematic joy. It’s rare to be able to indulge in such wretchedness without shame or fear, but with Fennell at its helm and Barry Keoghan as its star, Saltburn is bold and bracing and ultimately incredibly fun.

The Little Mermaid (2023)

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My inner princess squealed each and every time director Rob Marshall reproduced an iconic scene from the original animated film, but my inner pervert sweated over the sheer eroticism of Ariel (Halle Bailey) and Prince Eric (Jonah Hauer-King) rowing the boat side by side during Kiss The Girl.

A Royal Christmas

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Leo (Stephen Hagan) and Emily (Lacey Chabert) have been together nearly a year when he reveals a big secret. He’s been studying in Philadelphia under an assumed name, but he’s really Prince Leopold, heir to the throne of Cordinia. Prince Leo brings Emily home for Christmas, and Queen Isadora (Jane Seymour) is pissed. A lowly commoner?!?! Gross. Must protect monarchy from Yankee at all costs.

And make no mistake: Queen Isadora has a plan. The plan’s name is Natasha, Duchess of Warren (played by Seymour’s own daughter, Katherine Flynn). No one much cares for Natasha, but her peerage is suitable, and that seems to be all that matters. Of course, it’s not great for the monarchy if the prince abdicates the throne before he can become king. As the only heir, perhaps the Queen should be a little more flexible with her son. Instead she seems intent on making sure he reigns with a broken heart.

Meanwhile, Emily finds unexpected support in the castle’s staff. A kind butler tucks her under his wing, instructing her on royal etiquette. It won’t be enough to thaw the Queen’s heart, if she does indeed have one; she’s set on humiliating Emily to drive her away. Long live the Queen.

Not to worry: the romance genre guarantees a happy ending. I have a good feeling this one’s going to work out.

A Royal Corgi Christmas

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Prince Edmond (Jordan Renzo) rarely visits home anymore, so to butter up his mother (the Queen!), he brings her a gift that’s sure to delight her: a third Corgi. One can never have too many Corgis. Little Mistletoe is no doubt a very good boy but the royal Corgi handler refuses to deal with him, not being of royal Corgi lineage, and already being too old to be trainable to a royal standard at just a year old. After an incident with a royal ham, the Crown Prince’s judgment is deemed unfit for rule, which is kind of extreme. To prove his seriousness, he invites an American dog trainer named Cecily (Hunter King) to come rescue his royal butt.

Prince Edward should likely be spending his time getting to know his subjects and country again before his ascension, but mostly continues to be useless. Fortunately, Mistletoe’s naughty side gains the palace some notoriety when he becomes a Youtube sensation, making the monarchy surprisingly relevant for a viral moment.

Dogs make everything better. Mistletoe can humanize an aloof prince, prompt charity work, and even make sparks fly between a lowly commoner and a future King.

A Christmas Princess

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The Christmas Eve Banquet is extremely important to Prince Jack (Travis Burns) and the Kingdom of Edgemont. Celebrity chef Gideon Oliver fails to impress him with a menu including deconstructed caprese (how much less constructed can that salad get??) which is how he somehow stumbles upon Jessica’s failing hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

Jessica (Shein Mompremier) loves infusing childhood comfort foods with a touch of something unexpected. But after failing to gain New York City’s attention for six months in a row, her landlord has given her one final month’s warning and Jessica needs a Christmas miracle. Luckily, Prince Jack is quite taken with the single bite of meatloaf he’s tried, and hires her on the spot to cater his event.

Proving that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, romance inevitably blooms between the prince and the chef. You can tell Prince Jack’s feelings are pure because Jessie teases him about his pretentious menu and he doesn’t threaten to have her beheaded. It’s a romance made in heaven. Cue the food porn.

Except of course every romance needs its obstacles: the paparazzi! the meddling mother! the crazy ex-girlfriend! Can their love possibly survive?

The Guardians of The Galaxy Holiday Special

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The Disney+ streaming service has allowed Marvel Studios ample opportunity to explore the lives and adventures of superheroes who otherwise haven’t nearly enough screen time. In The Guardians of The Galaxy Holiday Special, Mantis (Pom Klementieff) and Drax (Dave Bautista) get their own little side mission as they visit Earth to find Peter the perfect Christmas gift.

What does one buy for an orphaned Celestial-Human hybrid raised by Ravagers to be a legendary outlaw, captain of the M-Ships Milano and Benetar, and leader of a ragtag team of criminals? Well, if you’ve been paying attention, the answer is pretty clear: Kevin Bacon.

On Earth, Mantis and Drax inevitably stir up some trouble while trying to kidnap a famous movie star.

  • Enjoy an incredible Disney meta moment as Drax and Mantis are mistaken for costumed characters on the Walk of Fame on Hollywood Boulevard and get bombarded by tourists and have an altercation with a Go-bot.
  • Learn what it takes to get a couple of aliens drunk as they visit a bar and enthusiastically do shots.
  • Act surprised when the LAPD proves to be alarmingly trigger-happy.
  • Wonder how a candy cane can be mistaken for a man.

And then our two heroes will zip back to Knowhere on their newest ship, The Bowie, with a cargo hold full of decorations and ugly Christmas sweaters to make Peter’s holiday all merry and bright. Mantis has a big reveal, Chris Pratt has a terrible wig, and the soundtrack features every offbeat Christmas song James Gunn could scrape up, plus one he helped write himself.

It’s nice to see the Guardians settling and thriving on Knowhere, apparently respected members of the community. The special is bookended by animated flashbacks to Peter’s first Christmas with Yondu, so even Michael Rooker rejoins the gang, along with Rocket (Bradley Cooper), Groot (Vin Diesel), Nebula (Karen Gillan), Kraglin (Sean Gunn), and even Cosmo the Spacedog (Maria Bakalova).

Set between Thor: Love and Thunder and and Guardians Vol. 3 (which comes out in May 2023), the holiday special is in fact canon to the MCU and has a few dishy winks to fans, including what Groot and Rocket might have on their own Christmas wish lists.

Picture Perfect Royal Christmas

3 Replies

Amanda’s boss was invited to the kingdom of Pantrea to even their famous Christmas festivities. Boss lady can’t be bothered but Amanda (Roxanne McKee) can’t pass up an all expenses trip, so she poses as her boss and starts clicking her camera.

Naturally there’s a handsome prince involved. Technically speaking, Prince Leopold (David Witts) is already engaged to Duchess Catherine (Sophie Vavasseur), but don’t worry, she’s a crown-hungry snob so you won’t feel bad when she inevitably gets overthrown.

Amanda is very bad at explaining why she’s traveling under a different name and why she doesn’t seem to know her own biographical details. Her hands are oddly shaky for a photographer (even for a photographer’s assistant), and despite the fact that she’s there to take photos, she actually starts competing in the holiday events, shirking the duties the royal family has for some reason flown her around the world to perform.

Feminists often have to push their quibbles aside in order to enjoy a holiday romance. Heck, humans often have to push their common sense aside, but if it’s all in good fun, many are happy to do so. Picture Perfect Royal Christmas, however, has a premise that can’t stand up under its own weight. It’s utterly ridiculous at every twist and turn, likely a movie that only the most diehard royal-romance devotees will be able to tolerate.