Category Archives: Jay

Banana Split

When something is billed simply as a “Dylan Sprouse comedy,” you adjust your expectations accordingly. Many people will know Dylan and his twin brother Cole as the stars of Disney channel’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I am not those people. Since I’m old as fuck, I know them as the kids who played opposite Adam Sandler in Big Daddy. They’re grown up now, arguably too grown up (28) to be playing a high school student, but in the great tradition of Hollywood, it is what it is.

A happy surprise though: this is not a Dylan Sprouse comedy. He’s in it, but he’s not exactly the focus.

An even happier surprise: though this is the second movie about high school sweethearts headed for college on opposite coasts released by Netflix this weekend, Banana Split is a lot more palatable than The Kissing Booth 2.

April (Hannah Marks) and Nick (Sprouse) have spent their last two high school years as a couple, half of it desperately in love and in sync, and the latter half bickering and growing apart. Still, it’s a blow when they’re accepted to schools so far apart. They break up, and it seems their last summer at home will be spent in separate corners, licking wounds, mending hearts, and sharing custody of mutual friend Ben (Luke Spencer Roberts).

But Ben throws an unexpected wild card into the mix: Clara (Liana Liberato). Clara and April hit it off immediately. They’re kindred spirits, destined for instant best friendship. Clara is the sunny antidote to April’s funk. There’s just one little wrinkle: April’s not the only one to fall for Clara. So does Nick. Nick and Clara are dating, so to preserve the friendship between the two women, they agree on some rules, mostly consisting of not talking about Nick, and not telling Nick about their relationship.

It works for a while. But more importantly, the story works. It works because the script is good. While The Kissing Booth 2’s characters are the exact same age, their antics are fairly juvenile, the film aimed a much younger target audience. Banana Split, however, is much saucier, and comes with an R rating. I always have a soft spot for teenage girls who talk like salty sailors because I was one, and I get them. I get bonding over rap lyrics and driving tests and the mysteries of corned beef (I have LITERALLY ranted about corned beef my whole life. Corned beef? Exactly how is something corned and why on earth would you want it to be? Diiiiiiisgusting).

Anyhow, this movie caught me off guard. Marks wrote it along with Joey Power and gives it an authentic flavour. This may be a Gen Z comedy, but April and Clara’s friendship is timeless and I love a script bold enough to write toward it and not treat it like it’s the side piece. Bravo.

Romance Doll

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Yeah, I know about sex dolls. Sure. They used to be inflatable, although I believe/hope those were mostly novelty items since I’ve sliced my finger on the vinyl seam of a beach ball and don’t think you’d want to risk more favoured appendages to a similar fate. By 2007 things had improved somewhat, if Lars and the Real Girl can be believed. And earlier this year, a Canadian sex doll rental company expanded its locations to better serve the community. For $189 for two hours or $289 for the night, you can peruse their catalog of “girls” (they each have backstories and personalities) and have them discreetly delivered to your door with a guarantee of cleanliness (hopefully the process is a little more rigorous than the whole spray of Lysol into the bowling shoe scenario).The dolls are incredibly life-like, at least to the touch. They have soft skin, chic wigs, and joints that can accommodate any number of positions. They’re so impressive they’re called love dolls now.

Or Romance Dolls, if too many movies have already been titled the former. Tetsuo (Issey Takahashi) never meant to get into the sex doll business, but he was an unemployed art school grad and money talks. As a sculptor, he is tasked with making as realistic a doll as possible, but his first attempt is ridiculed for not being grope worthy enough. He confesses to coworker Kinji (Kitarô) that he hasn’t seen breasts in years, so the two hatch a harebrained scheme to lure a model to sit for a plaster cast by posing as doctors doing research for prosthesis use. Sonoko (Yu Aoi) is a luminous angel, but her session with Tetsuo perfectly sedate. Sonoko is shy and demure, her coyness inspiring “doctor” Tetsuo to catch feelings. It’s a divine miracle that when he runs after her to profess his love, she doesn’t blow her rape whistle. This girl has very poor creep radar.

Like so many love stories, the fairy tale wears off after the wedding. The Sonoko doll proves quite popular, so Tetsuo works overtime, returning home late, so tired from making sex toys for others that his own sex drive is dead. Pressure mounts even more when Tetsuo starts working on Sonoko 2.0. He’s obsessed with the silicone Sonoko but neglects the actual, real life Sonoko sleeping in his bed. Plus there’s the problematic secret between them; Tetsuo never did come clean about his job, so his wife still believes he’s in medicine rather than erotic toys.

Impressively, Yuki Tanada not only adapts from her own novel, but directs the thing too. And it’s got a lot of good pieces: the objectification of the female body, the ultimate rejection of one’s muse, the cancerous nature of secrets…but like a sex doll (I hope/imagine), you can have all the right parts and they still not add up to a satisfying thing. The husband gets a pass because he’s an artist, his wife makes all the sacrifices, and female sexuality is handled in a rather depressing way. Plus there’s the whole “husband preferring the version of his wife who is undemanding and never talks back.” It’s enough to make a feminist ejaculate anger out of her eyes.

And just a quick head’s up to our Dutch readers: in the making of this review, I learned that sex dolls are often referred to in Japan as “Dutch wives.” You, erm, might want to look into that.

Animal Crackers

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Zoe and Owen are enthusiastic circus goers when they meet as children, and the circus is the background of their courtship growing up. But when Owen (John Krasinski) is ready to settle down with Zoe (Emily Blunt), he heeds her father’s advice, leaving the circus behind in favour of the family dog biscuit business. It’s not his passion, not even close, but it pays the bills and seems befitting of a family man. It takes a tragedy – the untimely death of Owen’s eccentric, long-lost uncle Buffalo Bob, who bequeaths to him his circus.Unfortunately, the circus is not at its best. With aging performers, absentee animals, and a ledger in the red, it’s definitely past its prime.

Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

The good news is that Owen finds Buffalo Bob’s recipe for success, one that’ll guarantee amazing animal acts and paying butts in the seats. But he also remembers that he has not one but two long-lost uncles. Uncle Horatio (Ian McKellan) owns the largest chain of circuses in the world, and there’s no way in hell he’s going to let his dweeby nephew Owen threaten his empire.

Animal Crackers has an all-star voice cast, which is the entire list of things it has going for it. The script is clumsy, the story unremarkable, the songs subpar. It’s not going to knock the clown socks off anyone. But since we’re experiencing a movie drought due a certain global pandemic who shall remain nameless, this might just about fit the bill for a family film night. Hand out the Cracker Jack, or dare I suggest – animal crackers? – and I can promise you that young kids won’t hate it. Neither will you, of course. It’s completely harmless and completely forgettable. But it’s new and it’s available for streaming on Netflix, so step right up, put on your red nose, and prepare to be whelmed.

The Kissing Booth 2

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In the first fillm, Elle (Joey King) confronted her crush Noah (Jacob Elordi) at a kissing booth, which was awkward because Noah just happened to be the older brother of her best friend Lee (Joel Courtney), and according to the strict rules of their friendship pact, siblings were off limits. But the heart wants what it wants, sparks flew, and Elle and Noah spent a glorious, loved up summer together, before he headed off to college.

Now Elle’s starting her senior year of high school while juggling a long distance relationship which everyone else basically assumes means break up. Even Noah is feeling a bit neglected because of Elle’s misguided attempt to give him “space.” In fact, Noah wants just the opposite, encouraging Elle to apply to schools near him despite the fact that the Elle and Lee Friendship Pact also states that best friends should go to the same school, and that’s on a whole other coast.

Don’t worry, there are going to plenty of harmless, G-rated shenanigans: a series of games that until now I’d assumed only got played at church picnics, vying to be top score at an arcade even though it’s 2020, accidentally describing walking thirst trap Marco in excruciating detail over the school PA system – just your typical modern day high school antics.

I didn’t really care for the first movie and I didn’t expect much from this one either. Nor did I get it, to be honest. It is what it is: a sweet teeny bopper romance for the tween market. But it’s also a reminder of how much we ask of kids – kids who are still dressing up for Halloween! They have to predict what they’ll be happy doing for the rest of their lives, what the future job market will look like, whether their love can withstand the strain of distance and temptation, where to relocate geographically, and how much debt to cripple themselves with long-term, assuming they won’t be totally priced out of home ownership, and the institution of marriage still exists, and the gig economy hasn’t imploded any hope of insurance, and there’s still a planet healthy enough to withstand a generation after theirs. No pressure though, right? We definitely feel comfortable saddling 17 year-olds with these decisions? The exact same 17 year olds who thought they could solve the bulk of their problems with a Dance Dance Revolution tournament? Cool cool.

No hate for The Kissing Booth 2. It obviously has an audience, and its audience will find it without my intervention. Every generation needs its cheesy romances, and I’ve almost made my peace with that. Am I thrilled with this movie? Not even close. But it wasn’t made for me. Perhaps it was made for you. Or perhaps it’s not a perfect fit exactly but you’re looking for something undemanding and inoffensive. This’ll do. And maybe while we’re at it, this review will convince you I’ve matured, I’m mending my asshole ways, I’m more open and forgiving. It’s total horseshit of course. I suspect the truth is that COVID-19 has deadened me. It has decimated the movie industry and with so few options, it’s hard to completely discount any of them. We’re so desperate for content we’ll watch a sequel to a movie we couldn’t stand the first time – in fact my review said I’d rather eat my own toenails. Yikes. And now here I am two years later, eating COVID pie. It’s not good, but it’s literally all we have.

Mucho Mucho Amor: The Legend of Walter Mercado

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Why watch a documentary about a man you’ve never heard of? Do you really need to learn “more” when you know nothing?

To be fair: millions of people DO know his name. He was the world’s #1 astrologer for decades, but because he broadcasted mostly in Spanish, he never made it into my home or into my cultural lexicon (and to be super fair, I can’t name a single English or French speaking one either; astrology just isn’t my thing).

Whether you know his name or not, you should probably check out this documentary. He is indeed a curious character. Lin-Manuel Miranda describes him as dramatic and fabulous, and in Mercado’s case, those are vast understatements.

Androgynous? Asexual? Those are not words people used in Puerto Rico in 1969, when he got his start, nor are they words Walter Mercado uses even today. Labels? He’s not above them – he’s beyond them. Today Mercado resembles a cross between Julie Andrews, Joan Rivers, and Sean’s recently deceased Granny. His wardrobe isn’t so much a cross between Liberace and Elvis as a one-upmanship of both, with a touch of Siegfried & Roy, and a cape collection that would make Lando Calrissian cry. He admits to “a little arrangement” when it comes to plastic surgery, and some botox “like Nicole Kidman.”

Mercado has an origin story to rival a super hero’s, a primo sidekick in faithful assistant Willy (who warns us not to get too bitchy with him), a legendary catch phrase, and a super power. Unfortunately, he’s also got a nemesis because every story worth telling has a villain. And if Walter has a kryptonite, it would be trust.

Trusting his business manager Bill Bakula was his downfall. They battled in court rather than in Gotham, but there were hits, there were injuries, there was damage. Neither had a mother named Martha.

At times known as a miracle-worker, a magician, a psychic, and a sorcerer, most remember him simply as a source of inspiration. Mercado knew there was power in positivity and his horoscopes gave people a reason to believe in themselves. His fandom has keenly felt his absence and many in the community would champion a reboot of the Mercado franchise but not all super heroes are meant to rise again (especially not when their jewel-encrusted capes weigh more than 30lbs).

This is a fascinating documentary, well told, and well worth the time. Mercado is quite a character, and if he is a Hispanic hero, this movie is his legacy.

Christmas Bells Are Ringing

Kiss The Ground

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I don’t know if you’ve heard of this little thing called global warming? It’s scheduled to kill your grandkids in about 60 years or so.

There are LOTS of documentaries about global warming, lots of documentaries that are very good at clanging the old pots and pans together, sounding the alarm and bannering the place with THIS IS NOT A DRILL. But many of these films leave us feeling despondent and hopeless because while they may excel at pointing out the causes, symptoms, and side effects, they haven’t been very effective in suggesting a cure.

Kiss The Ground not only offers a possible course of treatment, it also offers a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

It’s called drawdown. The gist:

Global warming’s biggest villain is a build up of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere.
We actually have a pretty terrific carbon storage system but we’re not using it. It’s called soil.
Unfortunately, over-tilling the soil has led to the desertification of the Earth. Too much exposed soil led to the Dust Bowl, an event that ushered in famine, but permanent damage to once fertile land.
Modern agriculture is causing soil erosion, among other evils. But a relatively simple switch to regenerative agriculture would not only cut down emissions but actually draw down carbon already in our atmosphere and sequester it in soil.
Regenerative agriculture = no more tilling, planting diverse cover crops, managing farms to grow topsoil, reducing use of toxic pesticides and synthetic chemicals – even cattle, a significant source of methane, can be part of holistic farming with planned land grazing.

Allow the experts in the documentary to illustrate these principles far more capably than I ever could. Directors Joshua Tickell and Rebecca Harrell Tickell assemble a terrific network of activists, scientists, farmers, and politicians who keep this plan simple and accessible. We’re not all ranchers with vast tracts of land, but we can all help recapture the carbon through small acts of agroforestry: plant a tree. Create a food forest. Make it diverse.

Global warming should not be a political concept, nor a subject for debate. It’s not just a problem but a threat, and it needs our attention NOW/50 years ago. If you won’t take it from me, take it from Woody Harrelson, who narrates the heck out of this doc on Netflix.

My Octopus Teacher

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Craig Foster is a burned out documentary film maker who becomes the subject of someone else’s documentary when he replenishes himself by diving in a South African kelp forest.

Free diving without even a wet suit, Foster cultivates a sense of belonging below the water, feels connected to it in some primal way that only deepens when he happens upon a little octopus, Octopus vulgaris to be specific, living in a small den. Foster is struck by his intimate proximity to her every day life, and begins to visit her regularly, for months. Slowly he gains her trust, and is able to capture extraordinary footage of her hunting, being hunted, playing with fish, checking out his camera, constructing camouflage and more.

Yes, Foster is perhaps guilty of anthropomorphizing his subject, but there’s a long and impressive history of film makers and wild animals getting cozy while making a movie, and at least the octopus isn’t going to eat him. And in some circles, Foster may even get bonus points for standing by and letting his dear friend’s arm get severed. Plus, technically this isn’t Foster’s film – Pippa Ehrlich and James Reed have come on board to write and direct.

Quibbles and qualms aside, what we’ve got here is a stunningly beautiful little film of a creature we might all like to make friends. My Octopus Teacher is a terrible title but I do get its meaning: the ocean has much to teach us. The natural world has much to teach us. So often we rush right by these incredible things that are happening all around us and the miracle here is not the octopus’s ability to completely regenerate a new arm, but Foster’s ability to slow down enough to see it happen.

We’ve got the much easier task of simply selecting it for our next Netflix movie night. It’s a heck of a lot easer than trying to wrestle on a damp swimsuit every day for months, and juggle different lenses for underwater photography while pyjama sharks (those nasty bottom-dwelling predators with a deceptively cute name) threaten your friends.

You can learn about Octopus vulgaris in any book or website about marine biology: how it manages to chomp through shellfish, how it changes colour to blend in with its surroundings, how it uses sea shells to shield itself from enemies, how they only reproduce once, laying tens of thousands of eggs, and by the time they hatch, she dies. You can read about all of these interesting facts but you’ll never understand them with the depth you will gain from having watched this wonderful documentary, a tailor-made lesson plan on an amazing, ink-squirting cephalopod.

Father Soldier Son

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Let’s be real: this documentary is a super duper emotional watch.

We’re going to get to know the Eisch family over the next decade of their lives, but when we meet them, dad Brian is deployed to Afghanistan while sons Isaac, 12, and Joey, 7, live with uncle Shawn since their mother is out of the picture. The kids are proud of their dad, they think of him as a super hero, but they not only miss him, they worry about him. They’re young but they understand the consequences of his job.

In fact, Brian does return injured. He nearly lost his leg, so the dad they get back is not the same one that left them. He can’t do the camping and fishing and outdoorsy stuff that they used to enjoy together, but he’s also struggling just to be a loving and attentive father. War sucks.

Brian is lucky; besides having some very helpful relatives, he finds love again, a saintly and patient woman who’s willing to abide his mood swings and care for his children as she cares for her own. Brian’s pain is such that he finally agrees to an amputation, but healing post-surgery isn’t as swift as he’d hoped and his prosthetic the answer to all his problems. As depression sets in, a war video game becomes his sole focus. Brian is grappling with his new limitations and his sons are adapting to a family constantly reacting to the aftershocks of war.

Directors Catrin Einhorn and Lesley Davis capture some truly stunning and intimate family moments. Brian of course goes through some major transformations mentally and physically, but I found the young sons to be much more compelling. And remember: we’re with them for an entire decade. We literally watch them grow up, something they perhaps do a little too quickly. Juvenile ideals of patriotism and valour melt into questioning the real cost of war and whether it’s really worth it. As hard as it is to hear a 7 year old say “You shot my dad, I kill you,” it’s even harder to watch him learn the true meaning of sacrifice.

The Eisch home matches their wardrobe completely: plaid and American flags adorn both. Brian coaches his sons to “be tough” and to hold back their tears. Meanwhile, he’s wrestling with his own sense of masculinity, purpose, and self-determination. He’s a third generation soldier who’s no longer mission ready. Is the fourth generation destined to walk in his boots, or has this family paid enough?

This family portrait is painted with generational tragedy but it’s not asking for sympathy. It’s serving real, raw moments of joy and sorrow and we are their solemn witness.

MILF

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Three middle-aged best friends are on vacation, more or less. They have left behind children, lovers, and burdens to spend some quality time together, although they may not all agree to which degree they are technically vacationing. Elise’s (Axelle Laffont) daughter is spending time with her father, Sonia (Marie-Josée Croze) is planning to meet her married lover in Spain, and Cécile (Virginie Ledoyen) is hosting them at her former family home. She hasn’t been there in 3 years but finally intends to clean it up and put it up for sale. She has mourned her husband and will now mourn the house. Elise and Sonia, however, are a little more open to fun.

In between packing and dusting, Elise and Sonia lure Cécile to the beach where they catch the eyes of some handsome young men who are leading a junior sailing expedition. Desperate to be noticed, Paul (Waël Sersoub) deliberately capsizes a child in his care so he can showily strip off his shirt and engage in some heroics. Most seasoned ladies would be wary if not downright insulted by such an obvious pick-up scenario, but Elise and Sonia are at least down for some harmless flirting. When they are spotted by the same guys at a club later that night, it seems like the vacation god Tequila is determined to make a match. Elise pairs off with Paul, while Sonia, still waiting to hear from her married boyfriend, spends time with shy and sensitive Julien (Matthias Dandois), who is easily smitten. The next day the boys bring a third friend for the ladies’ third friend, though Cécile, who is already scandalized by the age difference, is horrified to recognize Markus (Victor Meutelet) as her children’s not-so-long-ago babysitter.

The world has long since come to expect May-December romances and is usually fairly tolerant of them, so long as the December is male. In this case, the ladies are the more mature (and for their sake I feel compelled to point out that the boys are April-ish at best, and the ladies are perhaps late August to mid September). Is such an age difference the end of the world? Surely not. Has it the makings for an exciting summer fling? God yes: boys in their 20s are in their sexual prime – athletic, energetic, full of lust and dripping with stamina. Nearly a perfect match for a woman in her mid to late 40s who is just now hitting her own sexual peak; unburdened by the fertility aspect, she’s learned what she wants and how to get it. There may be fireworks in bed, but considering how women already mature faster than men, can this dynamic really work outside of the bedroom? MILF doesn’t really have an answer. It lacks purpose, and frankly, even passion. When Stella got her groove back, both Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs brought the heat. Their Jamaican romance may be partially responsible for global warming. MILF doesn’t come close, except as a cautionary tale for young men to get the fuck off of YouPorn before it ruins you for good.

The movie thinks MILF is a compliment (as opposed to cougar, which suggests that the older woman is purposely hunting), but for most of us, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth, and even isn’t accurate since one of the women isn’t even a mother.

Axelle Laffont’s direction isn’t particularly inspired, a fine pairing for a decidedly lacklustre script, though it must be said that she’s certainly not afraid to objectify her own body through a camera lens. There was no need to convince us: these 3 ladies are hot and could believably land any man they wanted. What of it? Well, no one’s really thought much beyond the sex, and if nothing else, these experienced ladies should have known better.