One dark and snowy night, a strange man shows up on Sammy’s doorstep, demanding to be let in. As only a clueless, entitled white man who’s never been raped can do, he treats her like she’s the criminal when she is understandably reluctant. But he “come on, lady”s her until she gives in. So we’re about 5 minutes into the film and I already hate them both and am feeling completely unforgiving toward this film. Oh, you think you’re going to warm my heart now? Instill some Christmas cheer? Fat chance.

Anyway, Seth Walker (Chad Michael Collins) believes he owns half of Sammy’s (Peyton McDavitt) cabin. Her great grandmother and his great uncle had a ‘fling’ (during which they co-signed on a vacation property?) and how he wants to be bought out. Instead of tossing him out on his rear, she draws a line down the middle of the cabin with twinkly Christmas lights and share the space while weathering a storm that any self-respecting Canadian would describe as “a mild and pleasant night.” Now they’re co-existing in a cabin where I know I FREAKING KNOW they’re going to fall in love and I’m shooting serious rage daggers at the very thought. Sweetheart, I understand your Tinder options are slim pickins up in your isolated little cabin, but you don’t have to settle for the first Yeti who crosses your path. You could live happily ever after with a sturdy vibrator, unlimited batteries, and a pantry well-stocked with cocoa. But instead she’s semi-consensually co-habitating with a complete stranger whom she KNOWS has intentions of stealing her property and him claiming squatter’s rights is literally the best case scenario in what is otherwise and rape-and-kill scenario that literally everyone else seems coming from a mile away. Ugh.

One viewer commented: “Finally, a Christmas movie with a heroine wearing SHORT hair! Such a refreshing change from all those long hair ending in ringlets.” Which, even allowing for the generous use of the word ‘heroine’ is a very low bar with which to review movies. And yet this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about this film.

Robin’s boss/godmother Kate has helped her put her “modeling days behind her” – I can already tell I’m going to love this movie. They’re working on an ad campaign for a new fragrance, and asthmatic millionaire playboy French businessman Lucas is flying into town to oversee the shoot.

Who can blame him for falling in love with Robin who “reluctantly” agrees to stand in for a missing model. I mean, she’s beautiful, and it’s a good thing because she otherwise has no personality whatsoever. She loves Christmas and ponies and flowers and that’s it. Meanwhile, he’s a misunderstood wine connoisseur mama’s boy who also loves Christmas and has the means to make all a girl’s Christmas dreams come true. Cue the whirlwind Parisian romance! It’s what her dead mother would have wanted. What could possibly go wrong? Oh don’t worry, there’s something: let’s call it a Christmas surprise, and not the good kind!

This movie is stilted and stiff and not an enjoyable or entertaining watch. We already have holiday obligations that are awkward and unfun, we don’t need another one, not one we can so easily cancel – and guilt-free too. If you click on our ‘holiday movies’ tag below, you’ll find lots of other options. Lots are crummy but several are worthy, and just waiting for a couple of appreciative eyeballs like yours!