Monthly Archives: December 2013

Northpole: Open For Business

Okay, so first thing you need to know is that there are several secret Christmas cheer ‘power stations’ around the world upon which Santa relies for powering his sleigh as he does his annual globetrotting Christmas Eve run. The Northern Lights Mountain Inn in Vermont is one such station, run by Grace for many years, who threw legendary Christmas Eve parties there each year. But Grace has passed and the inn has been willed to her niece, Mackenzie (Lori Laughlin, of “bribing her kids into college” fame). Mackenzie has fond memories of her childhood there but she’s a businesswoman now and she sees the inn as a money maker – if she fixes it up first.

Lucky for her there’s a handsome single father handyman (a familiar Hallmark hybrid) named Ian (Dermot Mulroney) around to nudge her in the right direction. Still, Santa is worried, so he sends intrepid elf Clementine (Bailee Madison) to help her see the value in keeping the inn open – and perhaps to help her reclaim her missing holiday spirit.

Have you ever played a win-lose-or-draw type of game with your family over the holidays? One person draws and the rest have to guess? Never be on Sean’s team. He is a very poor artist. He drew The 12 Days of Christmas and it looked a lot like this, only sloppier, and with some extra random squiggles and lines:

which he later told us were turtle doves but he couldn’t remember how many were in the song or any other thing that was in the song. Anyway. My sister on the opposing team suggested that their pencil was less pointy than ours, punishing them with a handicap. I suggested her team had 3 handicaps, gesturing not very subtly at my my brothers-in-law on either side of her. Har har. And guess what. THEY WON. It was humiliating. Thanks a lot Sean. You’re off the team and potentially out of the family.

Anyway, my point is that at the end of a vigorous and competitive game of win lose or draw, there’s a whole bunch of scrap paper with terrible drawings, and I do believe this script was cobbled together by guessing what those scenarios might have been and then stuffing them into a movie where they don’t necessarily make sense, but who cares? Is anyone actually paying attention? A prescription for a Hallmark movie is never written without an entire bottle of chilled white wine, so you’re already having a good time.

The Christmas Ornament

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Kathy (Kellie Martin) is newly widowed and trying really hard not to hate Christmas this year, but it’s a whole onslaught of memories that she just isn’t really able to cope with yet. But she’s got a really good friend in Jenna (Jewel Staite, god I love her) who is determined to see her friend through her hard time. And, you know, maybe push her a little toward happiness and moving on. Do we want to call that meddling or simply best-friending?

Anyway, Kathy is still trying to run her dead husband’s dream of a bicycle shop which makes no money. I’m pretty sure in his dreams it did make money, at least a little. And he probably never intended to have it send her to the poor house, but it’s hard to let go. Almost as hard as it is to put up a Christmas tree full of “memories on branches,” or ornaments as we call them. But pushy bestie Jenna insists, conveniently, since that’s where we meet love interest Tim (Cameron Mathison).

Love interest! But isn’t that too soon?!?! Maybe. But the heart wants what it wants, baby.

I just wrote a review almost bursting at the seams with Christmas-themed masturbation references to celebrate Hallmark’s esteemed legacy of plugging its own products within its movies. That movie focused on their greeting card line. This movie reminds you: we sell ornaments too! Say what you will about the themes and quality of their holiday movies, Hallmark knows what it’s doing; these schmaltz-fests move merchandise and make housewives swoon as men are pictured courting ladies with patience and real romance, never asking for more than a chaste kiss.

Write Before Christmas

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Jessica gets the ole dumperoo by her grinchy optician boyfriend just before the holidays so she redirects her Christmas cheer toward 5 of the most important people in her life. She buys 5 beautiful and pricey greeting cards and pops them in the mail, spilling her guts. It is somewhat convenient that a greeting card giant takes over a whole channel just to put out tonnes of free advertising via 90 minute long sappy romantic holiday movies which often encourage gratuitous exchange of Christmas greetings. It’s called corporate masturbation. I mean it’s not, but it should be. Petting the reindeer. Spilling the eggnog. Marching the penguin. Polishing the candy cane. Frosty’s five fingered hug. Okay I’ll stop but only because I’ve received notification from WordPress that I’ve reached the limit for made-up masturbatory euphemisms for one post, and I HATE getting those.

Anyway: a Hallmark movie. On the Hallmark channel. About sending Hallmark cards bought in your local Hallmark store [and by the way, you can also buy Hallmark movie merch on their website]. Jessica (Torrey DeVitto) sends 5 cards: to her widowed aunt, her old music teacher, her enlisted brother, her best friend, and a washed up pop star whose music once inspired her. Anyway, you might think $15-$20 is a lot to spend per card but Hallmark would like to remind you that 1. they pop up and 2. you might get a boyfriend. So pretty much a bargain. That’s right: one of those cards nets her a dude. Luke (Chad Michael Murray) is a photographer who likes Christmas enough to dress up as Santa on an annual basis (at least) and likes Jessica enough to kiss her when her ex-boyfriend is looking.

Meanwhile, each of the cards spins off another story of people finding connections at Christmas. I wouldn’t quite put it in the Love Actually category but if you’re in the market for a little holiday porn, I think you could do worse. It’s exactly the kind of background noise that might be nice as you…write out your Christmas cards? Also, I hear it pairs well with wine.

Holiday Joy

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Joy is a shy and fairly unpopular high school student who hates Christmas ever since her mom died. She watches the perfect family next door through her window and wishes she could be more like them. But then she gets hit by a car and gets her Christmas wish, sorta. She wakes up skinny, and with highlights. She’s friends with her popular next door neighbour and she’s dating the high school hottie.

Old Dorky Joy is trapped inside the body of new and improved Cute Joy, and Dorky Joy marvels at her luck. Varsity volleyball! Shopping pals! Bigger boobs! But Cute Joy doesn’t play the clarinet. And Cute Joy is the daughter of the perfect family next door. Dream come true! She has a mom again – not her mom, granted – but a mom who cooks and cleans takes care of the kids. Joy’s been filling in that role for so long in her own home she’s forgotten what it feels like to have someone take care of her.

But of course, Joy is about to learn that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Sometimes grass that looks green is actually astroturf. The perfect family next door is actually pretty jerky, and her own family really nosedives without her. It’s life-swappy although not quite in the conventional different body way. It hits really hard at themes of being grateful for what you have and not comparing yourself to others – of course, our young hero has to learn this the hard way. They very hard way. But from the moment of her car accident-induced transformation, we know how this will go, and we aren’t overly invested in it either way.

This is not a good movie but if you’re counting down to Christmas with a movie a day, this certainly fills a date on the calendar. And if you like something mindlessly festive on in the background while you wrap or bake cookies, this is awfully mindless. So: not a complete waste of time?

Santa Girl

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In the North Pole, Christmas is a business and the head honcho, Santa (Barry Bostwick), is preparing his daughter Cassie (Jennifer Stone) to take over the family business. Cassie is not thrilled with her destiny – she’s been betrothed to Jack Frost practically since she was born, her career path is a lock – she’s a teenager who just wants to assert some independence. Can you blame her?

Cassie strikes a deal: in exchange for a semester to study “abroad,” she’l return to pick up the Santa reigns and marry as she must to merge the Kringle empire and secure Christmas forever. Cassie knows Christmas is important but for now she’s very happy to escape. Santa sends an elf, Pep ( McKayla Witt) to keep an eye on things but when he drops his daughter off at her dorm, you almost wish he could stay – if you think most dads are pretty discerning about who their daughter dates, imagine if her dad was Santa Claus, who knows exactly who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Instead, he counsels her that in order to fit in with humans, she should hide her true self and her special abilities, and just blend in.

Anyway, this isn’t some girl power movie, it’s a Christmas rom-com, which means Cassie’s about to meet two seemingly viable suitors: the handsome and rich JR (Joshua Cody) and the broke but sweet Sam (Devon Werkheiser). There are still 102 days until Christmas and plenty of time for things to go wrong.

With the protagonists being so young, this movie is both more cringe-worthy yet more forgivable so than most others in its genre. It has a fresh-ish take on Christmas romance that involves falling in love but falling into other things too, which is important at any age.

Santa is a CEO and a single father – is he also a modern man? Cassie is a curious and independent soul – can she also buckle down to do her duty? And is the world prepared to accept a Lady Claus? Only Santa Girl will tell.

Snowbound For Christmas

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Adrian is a busy CEO whose business doesn’t stop just because the holidays are fast approaching. He’s got a big pitch that has him hitting the road for a stay at The Grand Lafayette, and he brings along two (female) employees – one he has fucked, and one he’d like to.

Diane (Josephine Buettner) is an ex of sorts and current colleague who’d like to rekindle their romance though Adrian (Henderson Wade) has been resisting, trying to keep things strictly professional. Diane is hardly subtle. And she’s super pissed that the morning of the big pitch she’s sent away on another gig. That leaves Adrian with his executive assistant, Rachel (Zarrin Darnell-Martin). Rachel, always hard-working, has been stepping it up recently, coming up with some impressive marketing materials and catching the eye of her boss – maybe in more than one way. The Grand Lafayette is newly reopened and other than our 3 guests, it’s totally empty. Hotel clerk Jean-Luc (Scott Thompson) is tending their every need, even when a snowstorm hits, stranding Diane off-site and leaving Rachel and Adrian to enjoy the facilities to themselves: romantic dinners, couples massages, candlelight and wine by the fire – normal boss-employee stuff like that. You know how it is. I’m sure you’ve sat through an HR meeting or two about it.

It is sometimes hard to tell whether this is an actual Hallmark Christmas movie or a how-to-get-sued for sexual harrassment training video. Maybe it’s that elusive hybrid?

Christmas With A View

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Clara is a failed restaurateur. Scratch that: Clara’s first business venture didn’t work out. I’m sure she’ll be back on her feet soon but for now she’s gone home to lick her wounds and manage someone else’s restaurant in the meantime. That restaurant hires celebrity chef Shane and while Clara and Shane clash because of their ambitions – you guessed it – they also fall in love.

Of course all of this is happening over the holidays so you know the pressure’s on to be extra super duper romantic. What is it about Christmas that makes us feel we have to up the ante on absolutely everything? Such a gross impulse.

Now just because Shane is some sort of ultra charming TV personality don’t go thinking this romance is going to be easy peasy. Shane’s got some competition – the owner of the restaurant they both currently work for, the handsome and enigmatic Hugh. Hugh’s got big plans for the resort and hopes to bring Clara in on them, but Shane is suspicious.

Nearly everyone in this movie is a cook of some kind so it’s heavy on food porn. If you love shots of juicy things being pierced by picks, and perfectly ripe vegetables being chopped in half by sharp knives, and sauces being drizzled artfully over anything not moving, then this movie is for you. Christmas With A View has spent all its budget on groceries and has to save money by using green screens instead of sets. It’s as jarring as it sounds but let’s face it: we’re not actually here for the view. We’re here to see two people kiss under the mistletoe\over the gingerbread\ in front of the fire\in the gently swirling snow. The romance is the point here, and a Christmas romance means a very PG courtship, an unconvincing will they-won’t they, and lots of sappy emotion. Plus, probably a cookie montage, a has-been or two, and at least one rich suitor.

Christmas With a View manages to tick all those boxes without distinguishing itself in any way. You have to really love these types of movies to enjoy Christmas With A View, but even if you don’t hate it, you’re definitely going to find it forgettable. But not to worry: Netflix is releasing a new one next week!

You Light Up My Christmas

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When star and executive producer Kim Fields had a few extra roles in this Lifetime film to fill, she called on her old Facts of Life costars for a little help, and they answered, so keep your eyes peeled for some extra fun cameos, and even some nods to the late Charlotte Ray who played Mrs. Edna Garrett on the show.

You light Up My Christmas is about realtor Emma (Fields) who returns home for the holidays to ensure that her late father’s house sells. But as she decks its halls for increased curb appeal, she discovers that her father’s Christmas light company isn’t doing as well as she thought, and the lights in her small hometown have dimmed of late.

Kim Fields waltzes through scenes in a series of serious lady boss costumes, most of them trimmed in faux-fur, a one-woman winter wonderland, ready for some serious cuddling. Cuddle candidate: former boyfriend and current Christmas light company manager Ben (Adrian Holmes) who’s very handsome and likely still interested

A Christmas Star

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A Christmas Star has some charms, I’ll admit to that.

It’s made entirely in Northern Ireland, a Cinemagic project for young people to get experience in the film industry, the amateurs working alongside industry experts, training up the future of Irish film, which is a cool idea and a bit of a Christmas present in and of itself.

The script borrows heavily for typical holiday fare, so you won’t find originality in between the stilted dialogue, but there is a lot of heart.

The children of a small town take on capitalism when the primary industry – the manufacture of snow globes – is being threatened. Led by Noelle, a little girl born on Christmas day who believes she can “do miracles,” the cast of kids is surprisingly adept. James Stockdale, who plays Noelle’s best friend, is a particular stand-out for me. As you know, I am always happy to see different abilities on-screen, especially when the disability is not treated as a novelty. His character just happens to be different but is still 100% part of the group. He isn’t there to be “the disabled one” and Stockdale is a bona fide actor. Christmas miracle? You tell me.

But it’s not just the cast that’s peppered with youth. Over 40 trainee crew aged 18 – 25 were mentored by industry professionals as they worked together on this film, gaining experience in all areas of filmmaking. Mentors included director Richard Elson (M.I. High, Steffi), award-winning film composer Patrick Doyle (Brave, Rise of the Planet of the Apes), music supervisor Maggie Rodford, (The King’s Speech, Anna Karenina), casting directors Hubbard Casting, (The Commitments, Dracula Untold), camera operator, Ian Fox, (Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spider-Man), producer Iain Smith, (Children of Men, Mad Max: Fury Road) and production manager, Terry Bamber (The Man from U.N.C.L.E, Skyfall), who all took time away from their own shooting schedules to mentor the trainees.

Pierce Brosnan and Liam Neeson show up in small roles to add a little credibility to the ensembles, with sprinkles of star power from the likes of Kylie Minogue.

Cinemagic is an international film and television festival for young people and counts Neeson and Brosnan among its patrons. It’s clearly putting its money where its mouth is in putting on productions like this, and I’ll be glad to see more from them in the future.

A Christmas Star will be playing on television this week:

Thurs 24th Dec 4.25pm: UTV Ireland: A Christmas Star
Fri 25th Dec 10.55am: UTV Ireland: A Christmas Star

And I found it on Netflix!

Journey Back To Christmas

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It’s WW2, and Hanna is “blubbering” on the sidewalk, mourning the loss of her husband overseas. All she ever wanted was to make a happy home for her husband and now that he’s gone, she “has no purpose” even though she’s a nurse who tends to wounded soldiers and orphans and it would seem that that’s usually considered quite a calling. Anyway, one snowy night Hanna (Candace Cameron Bure) gets into a minor car accident and shelters in a shed that…rattles a lot. Gets hit by a storm? Oh, right, a comet. A “Christmas comet.” And she’s knocked unconscious, waking up the next morning…to find herself in the future.

The future (2016) doctors don’t find any evidence of concussion so the future cops consider committing her involuntarily (she knows her name and address, but insists Harry S. Truman is president) but one good-hearted cop, Jake (Oliver Hudson), takes her back to his family farm to recover. They basically adopt her, and more than that, believe her. They start dressing old-timey like her, and adopting the town’s old(e) Christmas traditions. But one man in particular, Mr. Cook (Tom Skerritt) seems to hold the key – to understanding her story, and possibly to returning her to her timeline. Although the town busybody isn’t making it easy. Shes practically trying to raise a mob.

Let’s remember that this is a Hallmark Christmas movie, not a sci-fi film. It’s very light on the science. In fact, it refers to the science as “miracles” which is a convenient way of explaining away the things we don’t understanding without cracking open a book, so kudos to Maria Nation, a writer discovering new heights (lows?) of laziness for humankind.

If your holiday movie watching preferences err on the side of sentimentality, Journey Back To Christmas isn’t a horrible bet. It’s not going to knock anyone’s socks off but I’ve heard from semi-reliable strangers that if you’re prone to romance, you might find this one induces the warm and fuzzies while never raising the heat above an “Oh darn!” (fun fact: although Hallmark movies usually allow for one PG kiss, Bure herself refuses to kiss anyone but her husband, so even though her husband who was supposed to be dead returns to surprise her, the only passion she indulges is to fondly embrace his face).