Author Archives: Jay

Annoying As Fuck

Some people just rub you the wrong way.

1. Anna Kendrick – You already know I can be a little mean about Anna Kendrick. I can’t seem to look past her terrible horse teeth. Like, I would lay my hand very, very flat when feeding her a sugar cube. And I’m pretty sure she paid for them! I haven’t found her good or even watchable in anything. I keep giving her chances and she keeps being so goddamned Anna Kendricky in everything, chattering away at top speed as if we’ll mistake hyperactivity for charm, following around her ginormous chompers like they’re the ones taking the direction. And maybe they are. Maybe she’s just a parasite attached to giant, sentient teeth. To be fair, that’s probably not the case, but you have to admit it’s a possibility.

2. Anne Hathaway – Anne Hathaway may be the Big-Toothed Dentition Dictator who recruited

“Woo. This is happening. Thank you very much for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt”

Anna Kendrick into the army of sentient horse teeth. I know it’s not their fault that they can’t fit their teeth in their mouths, but it is their fault that they keep pointing their gaping pieholes at us and flapping their gums in self-important ways. Anne Hathaway is insufferable. Hathaway’s so in love with her own performance in Les Miserables she actually described the filming as “I felt like I sprouted a pair of wings and lifted off of the ground.” So, you know, super humble.

3. Judy Greer – She’s awful and screechy and though she helpfully has remained not quite a leading lady, she does pop in everything. Every word she’s ever spoken has come out in a hissy whine and her face is as pinched and puckered as I imagine her asshole must be. I see from the trailers that she’s appearing briefly in the new Jurassic Park movie, and I can only hope that though she appears to get left out of the action, that somehow she manages to have her face ripped off by dinosaur who saw 27 Dresses and is still bitter about it.

4. Jennifer Lawrence – I know this one will likely get me in trouble. She’s kind of the ‘it’ girl right now but her “look-at-me, aren’t I an adorable goofball” antics just don’t seem genuine. I’m pretty sure she’s faked several of her on-camera falls. She’s saying all the right things, body-positive, girl power crap that’s meant to make her sound relatable even when she’s draped in Dior. But these sound bites have a habit of sounding very, very manufactured to me. Like her assistant is feeding her lines hand-crafted by a very clever and highly-paid publicist – just not clever enough to get by me. Every story she shares with media outlets sound perfectly designed to make her sound down to earth, while also humble-bragging about how many celebrities she knows and how cool she is. I’ve never liked her in anything, although to be fair, I’ve plain old not liked her movies, period. Hated American Hustle. Didn’t care for Silver Linings Playbook. Nobody on the planet liked Serena. And Hunger Games is meant for children, so it’s fine that I don’t like them, but if I ever hear that song of hers from her more recent HG movie on the radio again, Imma lose my shit (although come to think of it, do I hate it more or less than I hate Anna Kendricks’ Cups?). The very fact that Chris Martin seems to have replaced Gwyneth Paltrow with Jennifer Lawrence should probably tell us all we need to know. The dude tinkles around on the piano quite nicely, but he loves a self-congratulating, self-righteous dumb blonde who doesn’t have an authentic bone in her body.

Grosse Pointe Blank

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I dug this old DVD out from our shelves recently because one of the Assholes (coughSeancough) is just old enough to be attending his own high school reunion. It’s impractical to tease him about it 24 hours a day, so I took a 107 minute break to watch this movie.

John Cusack is attending his own high school reunion in this movie – his 10th – and going back to Grosse Point, Michigan means confronting the feisty prom date he stood up a decade ago (Minnie Driver) and his tenacious feelings for her. Oh, and did I mention he’s a hitman? You’d think ‘professional assassin’ would be a card you kept close to your chest, but actually Martin Blank plays it frequently, confessing to anyone who will listen, only no one ever believes him. I mean, would you, Sean, take the kid who repeatedly forgot his geography homework seriously if he told you he killed people for money? Or would it take finding a bloody corpse with a Bic pen sticking out of his neck crumpled by your old locker to think “Gee, this guy might be a psychopath”?

Going back to your old haunt after so many years away is never easy, and to be honest, I believe that high school reunions are for two types of people: 1) the geeks and nerds who have grown up to be either hot or rich or preferably both 2) the popular kids who ruled and peaked in high school and now, having gone down hill, want to relive their glory days. Not my cup of tea.

And for spouses, it’s even more awkward. This is not your school. These people are not and never were your friends. I liken it to being in a grocery store full of strangers, only for some reason you’re required to shake everyone’s hand and stand around making chit-chat with them as if you care. And you don’t care. You don’t want to see pictures of their stupid kids. You’re there for one of two reasons: either 1) you’re a trophy wife to show off or 2) you’re a crutch for when your spouse’s old high school insecurities start to flare. And now you’re obliged to stand around in uncomfortable shoes for hours while people you don’t know reminisce about things you weren’t there for. And it’s pointless to get invested – these people haven’t spoken to each other for 20 years and will go back to ignoring one another until their 40th. No one really cares, they just want to see and be seen. They hope that their social standing will have improved. They hope their successes will compare favourably to their peers’. But they don’t really care. If they really cared, they wouldn’t have lost touch. I mean, hello, it’s the age of Facebook. Aren’t high school reunions kind of obsolete now? What’s stopped you from Facebook-stalking any of these losers? They’re just somebodies that you used to know.

Okay, you can see that I’m hard on this whole high school reunion thing. I don’t get it. Have you been to yours? Would you? Was it terrible? I’m watching movies to prep myself, because that’s what I do. Next up: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. That should be educational, right?

Leviathan

9 Replies

It won the Golden Globe, was nominated for an Oscar, and was even considered for the Palme d’Or at Cannes. I was bored stiff.

This is one of those movies that make me feel bad about myself because although it’s a film about ‘ordinary’ people, it’s also supposed to be about more than just what’s on the surface. And I get that.

In a very pretty but also coastal town in Russia, Kolya has a wife who’s just not that into him and a son who’s just not that good at life. The town’s crooked mayor is trying to take his home and property, ostensibly for a telecoms mast, but Kolya suspects more personal reasons and is fighting him in court. In the dullest court scene ever shot, a woman drones on as she reads a summation of the case for several long-ass minutes without a breath at punctuation, if indeed there was any punctuation, which was hard to distinguish.

Most of his friends are only using him for his free mechanic services but he calls on one, an old army friend named Dmitri who’s now a lawyer, to help him with his property fight. Dmitri isn’t afraid to fight dirty in court, or in his personal life apparently, because before long he’s fucking Kolya’s wife.

So there’s hypocrisy. Crazy, crazy hypocrisy. Blind love, pretend friendship, misplaced trust. Bad religion. And the symbolism of the leviathan that’s obligatory but heavy-handed. I can see that it’s well-acted, and the outdoor shots were breathtaking. I don’t usually think of Russia like this and I’m glad I got to see it. But I didn’t connect with this film, at all. It was too harsh, and too dry. I know that critics loved it, and the Academy has called it one of the 5 best foreign movies in the world for 2014. Personally, I preferred both Mommy and Force Majeure (preferred both to Ida, which won, for that matter). But you know what? No one asked me.

McFarland

13 Replies

I pretty much thought we must be out of sports stories by now. How many teams can possibly start out dead-last but thanks to the inspiring speechifying of their devoted but grizzled coach, end up earning first? And of those teams, how many can overcome the prejudice of racism at the same time, convincing white folks who admire achievement that maybe these coloured folk aren’t so bad after all, because they sure are fast? And how many of these can possibly star Kevin Costner?

If you answered TOO DAMN MANY, then you, sir, are correct!

This movie doesn’t really do anything wrong other than steal from every sports movie that’s come before it. If it was the first of its kind, you might even call it good, or inspiring. But I’m going to call it neither, because I do not live under a rock. I’ve seen it all before. I’m tired of this formula, which was pretty thin to begin with.

Devil’s Knot

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This movie tells the true story of the West Memphis Three. In 1993, a trio of young boys went missing, and were later found on the bottom of a creek, bound with their own shoelaces, savagely beaten, and dead either of their injuries, or of injuries combined with drowning.

The local police force bungles the investigation. When a restaurant manager calls to say a man covered in blood is sitting in their ladies’ restroom, a patrolwoman eventually shows up, at the drive through, and never comes inside. The crime scene is trampled, the coroner isn’t called, the bodies are left out in the sun. Fair to say that when whispers of a satanic cult surface, the cops are all too happy to suckle at the teat of a convenient scapegoat, and within a month, three teenage boys are arrested and charged with the murders, though two maintain their innocence while a third, mentally retarded, has a confession coerced from him after an exhausting 12 hours of interrogation.

Reese Witherspoon plays the mother of one of the victims. She is haunted by little Stevie, mourns him viciously, but still can’t shake the many questions that seem to surface during the trial. Colin Firth plays an investigator who donates his services to the defense team because although the accused are young, a sentence of death is still on the line.

Atom Egoyan does a capable job of telling a chilling story. He hits all the right marks, and I can tell you this, and you may know this yourself, from the many compelling documentaries that have been offered over the years. I already know all the right marks. Within the past year, I watched a documentary called West of Memphis produced by one of the convicted murderers himself, a riveting piece that chronicles the events meticulously. Paradise Lost is a trilogy concerning the case. Devil’s Knot, therefore, is late to the party and fails to add to the conversation in a meaningful way.

Last Days in Vietnam

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This documentary was nominated for an Oscar this year – it lost to Citizenfour. Even though I hit the categories hard, I only managed to see 3 of the 5 before the Academy Awards were broadcast and I’m sadly only getting around to this one now.

This film offers a fresh perspective on the end of the war – the kinder, softer side of an action that’s been vilified and condemned, and for good reason, but this movie shows that no matter what the politicians were maneuvering, there were good hearts over there doing their best to help real people.

As American troops are removed from South Vietnam, the North is marching in, and cities are falling. The American embassy is cognizant of what their pull out will mean to the people, especially the Vietnamese who were known allies. Lots of American soldiers and Vietnamese heroes risked their lives and went against White House orders in order to help evacuate the panicked, innocent residents.

There’s nothing innovative here, it’s just diligent work. Rory Kennedy uses great archival footage, lots of in-depth, exhaustive first-person interviews, and paints a panoramic view of what could only have been a chaotic time, while being sensitive to the moral dilemma at its heart.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2

15 Replies

Dear Adam Scott,

I have watched and enjoyed you on Parks and Rec. You are cute and witty and charming, and so I’m telling you, as a friend, that your agent fucking hates you.

You know who’s too good for John Cusack’s sloppy seconds? YOU ARE. But did your agent tell you that? No he did not. A quick glance at your IMDB profile tells me he’s been feeding you shite for years. Does your agent appear to have a rampant addiction? Do you think it’s possible you are feeding that addiction with your 10%? Because a normal agent is supposed to stand between you and sodomy. I mean, I don’t think that’s what it technically says on their business cards, but it’s definitely part of the job. Since you are paying dearly for their services, then the script that would have your testicles spurting a milky substance into Rob Corddry’s face should never reach the light of day. It should be tossed in the Pauly Shore pile, or maybe Rob Schneider’s. Possibly Danny McBride’s. But since it ended up in your hands, Adam, and you were somehow convinced to sign on, then I can only surmise that your junkie agent is also a charismatic cult leader deft at brain washing and mind control. That’s the only logical explanation for this movie, and your presence in it.

So for the love of Adam Scott, Internet, will you please band together, so we can FREE ADAM SCOTT! FREE ADAM SCOTT! FREE ADAM SCOTT!

Yours truly, with concern, compassion, and zero tolerance for unnecessary sequels,

The Assholes

Pitch Perfect 2

21 Replies

Welp.

It managed to earn $70 million in its opening weekend, more than the $65 million the original earned during its entire domestic theatrical run back in 2012. The only other sequel to have out-earned its original in the first weekend was Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, so rest easy, Internet, we’re in good company.

Pitch Perfect The First was a bit of a gamble for me, having a raging hate-on for Anna Kendrick and all, but the Fat Amy effect seemed to mitigate the bad Anna juju. And I managed to look past the Miley Cyrus tribute with generous applications of ladies of the 80s, and forgave a song featuring the actually-talented Sia being referred to as “that David Guetta jam” (FUCKING BULLET TO MY HEAD). All things considered, totting up the pluses and the minuses, I found that it was a slightly net positive. Win.

The sequel, however, has left me feeling distinctly negative. My sister, a fan of the first, felt the music was lacking this time around. Except for some 90s hip hop, it was. There are some scenes that are blatantly trying to reignite the flame of the first, but none are entirely successful, and some are incredibly not. But what really stood out for me was how offensively one-dimensional some of the characters are. Character development is a joke – we don’t learn anything new about anyone, but some are reduced to stereotypes that should shame us all.

Ester Dean is back as Cynthia Rose, and to be honest, I’m surprised she even has a name because as her character is actually reduced to saying in the movie, she’s the black lesbian, and she does nothing in the film (beside providing the requisite rap interludes – and she actually has a lovely voice) is remind us how she’s a lesbian, which means she can’t help constantly macking on every single woman around her. Like, grope her friends’ breasts and try to take advantage of a sleepover situation. She has absolutely no other character traits or back story until at the very end she proclaims that she’s moving to Maine to have a gay wedding and we’re all invited! Does she have a partner? We’ve certainly never heard of her before this moment, and she remains unnamed, which is maybe for the best since just a tiny bit before this her supposed fiancée is molesting her mates, because as you know, gay people are walking same-sex hard-ons and no one is safe from their sloppy gay groping, especially not their close personal friends.

Meanwhile, Chrissie Fit is brought on board this time to fulfill the role of illegal immigrant who reminds everyone how lucky they are to be in college without apparently having to attend a single class or work a job or worry about tuition or the job market, let alone having diarrhea for 7 years like she did back in Guatemala. Her plans for the future? To be deported immediately upon graduation, of course! But don’t worry, all the white girls go on to have happy, well-rounded lives. Well, the thin ones at least.

This movie is Elizabeth Banks’ first turn behind the camera, though I believe she also produced the first one. I wish I could support a movie that has a female screenwriter AND director AND a whole bevy of stars, but no. This one’s a perfect pass. Kudos on the Snoop cameo though. Now that was pitch perfect.

The Other Woman

11 Replies

The premise: Leslie Mann discovers that her husband is cheating on her with Cameron Diaz, and together they discover that he’s cheating on both of them with Kate Upton. This weird chain could have continued ad nauseam (even though I’m already nauseous enough) despite the fact that the cheater in question is not that good-looking and not very charming. How did he land any, let alone all of these women?

And why, why must they resort to revenge? And why can script writers only ever think up the same exact 3 forms of revenge? And why must an explosive poop incident always be first and foremost among them?

Why do we keep retelling the men-are-scum story? Has it ever soothed a scorned woman? And isn’t it quite degrading to men that we’re continuing to perpetuate this men-just-can’t-help-themselves stereotype? And what is it about our society that we can extract comedy from infidelity and broken marriages?

It also makes you feel a bit bad for Leslie Mann. First, she’s forced into the role of the “least attractive.” And then they make her do all the work too. You have to give it to her, she’ll go for broke, but I hate the forced physical comedy. It’s demeaning. It feels desperate for laughs, cheap laughs, and it’s not like I have high expectations for a Cameron Diaz vehicle but honestly – aren’t we getting a little old for this?

German Language Films

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Matt

First, we’d like to send our weekly Thank You to Wandering Through the Shelves for encouraging us to broaden our horizons. Because one can’t survive on a diet of Office Space and superhero movies alone, this week we tried to catch up on the German-language movies that we’ve missed. I for one had some serious catching up to do. If not, I would have been stuck picking Das Boot or something.

I re-watched Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon (2009) to keep its complex themes and narratives fresh enough in my mind to be able to write about it. As I struggled once again to read the subtitles camoufalged by the black and white background, I thought about the impact that Haneke’s sadistic Funny Games (1997) had on me. A few months ago, I blasted Haneke’s rationale for his brutal and twisted home invasion story. While at first I resented being shamed for sitting through torture porn, I now appreciate the film for what it made me think about and the discussions it inspired with some of you. Also, while at first I was struck by the film’s sadism, now in retrospect I find myself admiring its restraint.

I’m only just now getting around to 2007’s Oscar-winning The Counterfeiters. Stefan Ruzowitsky’s film tells the true story of a counterfeiting operation within within a concentration camp manned by Jewish prisoners forced by the Nazis to make loads of fake currency. The counterfeiters face a dilemma. Helping the Nazis complete their mission could help them win the war bu failing to meet their deadline could get them executed. Not all the prisoners agree on how to proceed and the tensions between them separate this from other Holocaust movies by focusing on the characters and their complex thoughts and feelings.

Finally, Revanche (2008) tells the story of a cop who kills an accompliceto a bank robbery in the line of duty and the dead girl’s bank robber boyfriend who has sworn revenge. The cop’s wife gets caught in the middle Departed-style. There’s nothing sexy about being either a cop or a crook in this movie and nothing exciting about using your gun. The weight of a single act of violence is felt by everyone involved throughout the movie as both men carry a crushing feeling of guilt with them everywhere they go. Revanche means both revenge and new beginning. This movie’s about both.

Jay

Screw you, German language films. I waded my way through Metropolis (a 1927, 2.5 hour black and white non-talkie monstrosity about “the future”) and A Coffee in Berlin (a greasy, effeminate James McAvoy lookalike whines his way around cafes), and bits and pieces of The Blue Angel (Marlene Dietrich failed to inspire) and Christiane F. (mostly a David Bowie tribute) and I decided, fuck this, I’m just gonna talk about Werner Herzog instead.

Herzog is a German film director, producer, screenwriter, author, actor, and (apparently) opera director, considered to be one of the greatest heavyweights in New German Cinema. Roger Ebert once said that Herzog “has never created a single film that is compromised, shameful, made for pragmatic reasons or uninteresting. Even his failures are spectacular.”

At age 14, he was inspired by an encyclopedia entry about filmmaking, which he claims gave him “everything I needed to get myself started” as a filmmaker – well, that plus the 35mm camera he stole from the Munich Film School. Oh, sorry, Werner, “I don’t consider it theft—it was just a necessity—I had some sort of natural right for a camera, a tool to work with.” Artist, thief, sometimes both.

I know him and love him especially for his documentaries. In fact, Grizzly Man might be the weirdest and most spectacular documentary I’ve ever seen. It’s about this grizzly bear “enthusiast” Timothy Treadwell who loved them so much he decided to live among them. He believed himself to be to be the Jane Goodall to bears, spending something like 13 summers with them, but he was also kind of an idiot, shooting Steve Irwin-like footage that no one asked for while ignoring the number one rule that even children know about bears. You need to watch this film. Ebert, delighted and appalled by the film, said that Treadwell “deserved” Herzog.

Herzog once promised to eat his shoe if Errol Morris finally finished a film project he’d been working on for years. In 1978, when Morris’ film Gates of Heaven premiered, Werner publicly cooked then ate his shoe, an event capture and made into a documentary by Les Blank (called Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe). Herzog hoped to encourage others to tackle incomplete work, but he could never be mistaken for a slouch himself.

In Into The Abyss, Herzog changes direction a bit. There’s not much narration, and he doesn’t appear on-screen. Instead, he lets a convicted murderer on death row tell about the crimes he says he didn’t commit just 8 days shy of his impeding execution. The film doesn’t dwell on guilt or innocence. Although Herzog is upfront about being anti-capital punishment, the movie is mostly apolitical but seeks simply to contribute to the conversation.