Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Our reviews and thoughts on the latest releases, classics, and nostalgic favourites. Things we loved, things we hated, and worst of all, things we were ambivalent about.

The Simpsons Movie

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They’re mumbling about a sequel – well, I should say, a second movie – so the time seems ripe to review this one, right? We’re quarantined and we’ve been binging The Simpsons since the day Disney+came out (do you know how many seasons those guys have???). Like most episodes, the movies are meant to be stand-alone and self-contained, meaning little if anything that happens during them will affect the series as a whole. Poor Maude Flanders: hers is one of the few deaths that actually took. The characters have remained the same age though more than 30 years have passed since they were introduced. They used to be older than me and now I’m older than Homer and Marge. How did that happen?

At the end of each 22 minute episode or 90 minute movie, everything resets…well, almost everything. Now that we’re catching up on the decade’s worth of shows we missed, we’ve seen Spider Pig pop up more than once – and he’s from the movie!

As you might have guessed (or likely know, this movie being more than a decade old – I had a different husband when we saw it in theatres!), the movie plays much like an episode, with all of the same characters and gags, a little more saltiness than network television usually permits, and a slightly more involved plot.

Basically, Homer adopts a pig and he shovels the pig’s droppings into the local water reservoir, raising Springfield’s pollution level to near-extinction. In response, the EPA lowers a giant dome over the town and leaves the residents to rot. Of course, the Simpsons have managed to escape, and the fugitives flee to Alaska to start over/ lie low. Except then Marge hears that all their friends, neighbours, pets, and Grandpa (!) have been domed and intends to…do something…while Homer plans to do nothing. So she leaves him.

Anyway, if you like the show, you like the movie. It doesn’t do anything differently at all. No risks, no stretches even, just the same old, tripled. It doesn’t astonish and it doesn’t aim to. It’s pretty comfortable with the status quo, and after 3 decades on the air, so is its audience.

One Royal Holiday

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Anna (Laura Osnes) is on her way home to Smalltown, Connecticut for the holidays, barely staying ahead of an incoming storm. She stops for coffee at Donny’s Donuts and just like a god damned fairytale, she meets her prince charming. Okay, not actually literally Prince Charming, that would be ridiculous. Plus, he’s married. Happily ever after, I heard.

The guy she actually runs into is James (Aaron Tveit), crown prince of Galwick. And his mother, Queen Gabriella (Victoria Clark). They were in America for a charity function, but it’s back to Galwick for them, to deliver the Christmas Day address to the nation and other holiday-related royal duties, which I’m sure are numerous, and pressing. But oh no! This donut shop pit stop is turning into a nightmare. In the time it takes to order a round of tea, the storm has shut down roads and airports and threatens to not only ruin Christmas, but destroy the monarchy of Galwick.

Luckily, Anna’s dad (Tom McGowan) owns an inn that, despite being the town’s Christmas epicentre, has enough vacant rooms to accommodate a royal cortege. Prince James is awkward without his usual royal entourage. He doesn’t know how to talk to the normies. But bit by bit Anna and her medley of bougie friends melt the gilded cage around his heart and he’s searching job postings for Prince Wanted ads in Buttfuck Connecticut.

These Hallmark types know they’ve hit the jackpot when they can combine a Christmas romance with the added fairytale allure of becoming a princess. Everything else is just chocolate sauce. This was one of the first films back in action after the pandemic lockdown, which is why four venerable Broadway stars were available for the cast – and you have to admire the restraint in only allowing them one chance to sing, even if it is awkward. Do they make this a good movie? No they do not. Very little can save a holiday romance, and there was never any danger of that in One Royal Holiday.

But then again, who wouldn’t want to kiss a prince under the mistletoe?

Charlie’s Angels (2019)

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Old Bosley (Patrick Stewart) out, new Bosley (Elizabeth Banks) in; turns out, Bosley wasn’t a name, it was a rank.

Sabina (Kristen Stewart) and Elena (Naomi Scott) are fellow Angels and kind of frenemies but not only are they going to need to get along for this next mission, they’ll also be training a newbie on the fly as mild-mannered, law-abiding layperson Jane (Ella Balinska) gets swept up into the fray.

Jane is a systems engineer who blows the whistle on a piece of tech that sounds revolutionary and life-changing but also dangerous and possibly weaponized. So of course the Angels are called upon to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, and believe me, several grubby, evil little hands are doing the “gimme gimme” gesture in its direction. The Angels are willing to risk their lives to save us all, but they more they uncover the more their own agency seems compromised and nobody knows who to trust.

The movie got off to a rocky start for me because it was a little too “girl power!” And obviously I’m all about strong, capable women but let’s just show rather than tell. We don’t always need banners and slogans. But the movie seemed to get that stuff out of the way pretty early on, and then we hurtle through action sequences like it’s against the law to slow down.

The movie isn’t as bad as you likely heard from early reviews, but it never quite manages to be all that you want it to be either. If you’re remaking this particular movie in 2019, maybe make it subversive? Maybe challenge the status quo? Definitely justify its existence by updating some of the more dated concepts and definitely, definitely have fun with it. That’s its biggest problem: a lack of identity. It’s never really sure where on the spectrum of action movies it wants to fall and it never dazzles us with any distinguishing features. When the Angels’ closets are revealed, containing a to-die-for wardrobe, heavy weaponry, and a plethora of beautiful bobbles and accessories all hiding James Bond-type gadgets, there’s no zeal. I wanted pageantry. I wanted at least as much fun as the boys in the Kingsman movies, combined with the snappy chemistry between Melissa McCarthy and Miranda Hart in Spy.

Kirsten Stewart appears to enjoy showing off but otherwise there’s little fizz on the screen. It feels like work for them, and indeed I admit that I don’t appear to be having fun at my job either, and it would also make for a rather boring movie. But if you’re bothering to make this a movie, then I want glamour and I want fun. I want you to either embrace the silliness and really go for it, or I want you to skewer the concept and serve it on a silver platter with so much garnish I don’t know what to do with it. I do not want you to take the well-traveled, extremely trampled middle path of been there, done that.

A Ring For Christmas

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Spoiled party girl Angie Moore (Liliana Tandon) is living the high life in New York City – shopping, eating at the best restaurants, making it rain on the Salvation Army Santa kettle – and best of all, no job to go to on Monday morning! She’s totally funded by her mother, until today. That’s right, Margaret (Lorraine Bracco) is putting her foot down and cutting her daughter off, for some reason, on Christmas day – which is only 3 weeks away!

Angie’s not about to give up her life of luxury nor is she about to get a job, but it looks like she won’t have to: she gets wind of a handy little loophole. Turns out, her parents have set up a ‘marriage trust fund’ – a sizable chunk of money to be received upon her wedding day. Now all she needs is a groom! So off she goes to her hometown of Greenwood (where mom’s the mayor!) with a man in her crosshairs. Tyler (Charles Hittinger) was her high school crush and a teen heartthrob. Luckily he’s also got some business ambitions that could use a cash infusion, so he’s into her proposition. BUT, Tyler is best buds with Gabe (Dean Geyer), her onetime BFF, and he’s a little judgy about their mercenary intentions, and might be harbouring a bit of a crush himself.

Will Tyler get to set up his after school program for kids? Will Gabe save his grandpa’s diner? Will Angie find a way too mooch off her parents forever? And, um, discover the true meaning of Christmas along the way?

Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen

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Ella Dashwood (Erin Krakow) and her sister Marianne (Kimberley Sustad) co-own a party-planning business. One of their new clients is a toy company and they don’t see eye-to-eye with Edward Ferris (Luke Macfarlane), the company’s C.E.O., mostly because they’re Christmas lovers and he’s too cool for school…even though it’s pretty much his bread and butter.

If you’re a fan of Jane Austen, well, frankly, I’m not sure what you’re doing here. This is a “loose” adaptation of her novel, so loose it’s ready to fall apart. Think of it more as not related at all. It’ll be easier that way. In Sense, Sensibility & Snowmen, Ella is the flightier sister, the risk taker, the brighter ball of energy. She takes on a last minute job at this toy company, which would have created utter chaos at any successful party-planning business this close to the holidays. They should have been booked solid for months, rushing from party to party, getting by on cat naps and caffeine. Yet somehow the business is failing and they don’t even know it – not only do they have all the time in the world for this new client, they volunteer extra hours as well, just for the heck of it.

Anyway, it serves the story well. How else are Ella and the Christmas-phobic Edward supposed to fall in love? By sharing the intimacy of decorating his apartment together, doing joint Christmas shopping, and tricking his clients into thinking he’s the kind of guy with whom they want to go into business. What fun! Oh, and you’ll get a kick out of this: Ella, who routinely makes fun of Edward’s work ethic but whose understanding of his job is “all graphs and flow charts” actually has some business advice for him, and the only reason it isn’t completely horrible is because SOMEHOW HIS TOY COMPANY WASN’T ALREADY TESTING THE TOYS ON ACTUAL KIDS. So within days of meeting him, and having occasionally walking through the executive floor of his office building, she’s now an expert – and she makes him act on her advice immediately, mere hours before Christmas.

Anyway, I wasn’t particularly charmed by this one. I know Edward is supposed to be a little…stiff, but Luke Macfarlane’s understanding of ‘businessman’ (and this is how you can tell actors have no idea what real work looks like) means talking in a robot voice. Which is not even as funny as you might think.

If you’re into Hallmark but in need of a better recommendation, try us here.

Picture A Perfect Christmas

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Sophie (Merritt Patterson) is a successful photographer who travels the world to wherever the next job takes her; her boyfriend Brent does the same, so in their six months together they’ve only been on the same continent a handful of times. It’s not the easiest way to conduct a relationship but who else would tolerate their constant coming and going?

Sophie was hoping they’d be united over the Christmas holidays but he’s off to shoot Antarctica and she’s going home to some quaint small town where Grandma Louise (Paula Shaw) has recently hurt herself and could use some help. At least in theory. In practice, it turns out that Grandma is more interested in setting Sophie up with the handsome neighbour next door. David (Jon Cor) is a busy business owner who’s struggling to find childcare for his adopted son – Louise loves spending time with little Troy (Luke Roessler) but she’s not so mobile these days. Luckily, with able-bodied Sophie around, the foursome have abundant reason to get super cozy.

Picture A Perfect Christmas is predictable but sweet, and comfy like that one throw blanket you always reach for when you want to keep your toes toasty on the couch. David is a devoted dad and he’s sacrificed relationships before in favour of stability. Sophie is passionate about her career and can’t imagine having to give it up. And of course all Grandma Louise wants is for everyone to be happy. Can these two crazy kids possibly make it work? I guess you’ll have to tune it to Corny Channel and find out for yourself.

Go Karts (aka, Go!)

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It’s called Go Karts on Neflix Canada, it may be called Go! on yours, but either way it’s a movie you can see this weekend from the corona virus-free comfort of your living room couch (presumably – sorry to those of you who may be self-isolating at home with symptoms; get well soon!).

Go Karts is an Australian film about, well, go karting. Yeah, I’m not sure where they came up with the name either, but I bet they spent OODLES of time on it. Oodles should totally be a measurement of time, and not just noodles.

Anyway.

Jack (William Lodder) and his single mother (Frances O’Connor) move to a small town in Western Australia where there’s literally nothing to do other than go karting. Which is convenient because a lot of Jack’s memories of his dead father are tangled up in driving and/or racing. So not only will go karting confront his grief, it’ll teach him to control his recklessness as well.

Oh, and did I mention that Jack is a cute boy and the “chief engineer” of his go karting team is a pretty girl? So Jack’s got the talent and Mandy (Anastasia Bampos) has the technical know-how and best friend Colin (Darius Amarfio-Jefferson) says dumb stuff and/or falls over things, hopefully providing a laugh or two (it never really works out that way, so Amarfio-Jefferson’s presumed talents are wasted). Oh and the tortured go kart track owner Patrick (Richard Roxburgh) sprinkles his grizzled wisdom throughout. It’s like every sports movie you’ve ever seen, only lamer because it’s go karts. In fact, it’s like a sad live-action Cars but not affiliated with Pixar in any way, lest they cast their litigious little eyes this way.

Anyway, Jack is going to overcome “all the odds” and defeat “ruthless racer Dean” who, to be clear, is another teenager who’s also a little too into go karting. And Patrick is going to Mr. Miyagi him all the way. I bet you can’t guess how it turns out.

But now that I’ve been sarcastially dismissive of this movie, I will say that the kids have kind of a natural charm, and director Owen Trevor sort of shines during the “action” sequences (again: go karts). If you’re looking for a warm-hearted movie to share with your kids this weekend, you could do worse than Go Karts.

 

Stargirl

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Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the new Michael Cera, Graham Verchere.

I know, I know, where has the time gone if we’re already putting Michael Cera out to pasture. Well, technically he’s going to be the new Jon Cryer and Jon Cryer’s going to be the new Steve Buscemi and so on.

Anyway, that was a bit of a digression and I apologize. We first saw Graham Verchere at a film festival in Montreal where he was starring in a horror movie (a good one) called Summer of 84. And now here he is all grown up on Disney+, working for the very talented director Julia Hart, who we first saw at a film festival in Austin, alongside Giancarlo Esposito, whom we also met at SXSW, albeit the year before, directing a movie that was called This Is Your Death at the time and later got renamed rather lamely, The Show. Anyway, this was another digression because we’re already seeing film festivals (including SXSW) cancelled due to corona virus and we may lose our whole festival season, which is sad because it’s where we’ve discovered so many gems over the years.

Anyway, if Graham Verchere is the new Michael Cera then I suppose that makes his costar Grace VanderWaal the new Emma Stone (move over, you old cow). Which isn’t a bad comparison, really, because VanderWaal is both luminous and a talented singer. But Stargirl is no Superbad, and that’s not a (super) bad thing. While my generation settled for movies where boys were obsessed with popularity and sex and girls where afterthoughts at best (and often just a means to an end), Stargirl is a movie that embraces awkwardness and gives it a starring role.

Leo (Verchere) moved to a new town with his mom after his dad died. His sartorial tribute to his dearly departed father made Leo a target for bullies, so he learned to keep his head down and fit in. This all changes around his 16th birthday when a new girl, Stargirl (VanderWaal), starts attending class and soon disrupts the whole school. Stargirl is the kind of girl who can completely dismantle a marching band. Well, technically one lonely boy who falls out of step can dismantle a marching band, but Stargirl is the cause and the crush either way. She’s weird from the barrettes in her hair to the pompoms on her shoes, and startlingly, she’s unashamed. She owns her oddness in a way that is immediately fascinating to all, and her penchant for ukulele serenades is not just tolerated but celebrated, propelling her toward not just popularity but a spot on the cheer-leading squad. Sure it’s for the losingest football team in the history of sports, but still. Even her uniform outshines the rest. And it’s okay! Have these same kids who once bullied Leo for his porcupine tie are somehow woke enough to embrace Stargirl without a trace a jealousy.

At least for a while. Don’t worry: kids today can still be dicks. Interestingly, Stargirl is more than just a manic pixie dream girl – sure she casts a magical spell on everyone, but she has her own inner workings, her own growth, her own arc.

Stargirl is a John Hughes movie for the modern age – without all the racism.

Lost Girls

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When Shannan runs screaming from a home in a gated community on Long Island and places a frantic call to 911, it takes police an hour to respond. They find nothing amiss but Shannan is never seen again. The cops’ lackluster investigation accomplishes very little but coincidentally they stumble upon a dozen bodies in this very same community, all of them sex workers fitting Shannan’s general description, but none of them her. And the police do truly treat it like a coincidence; they announce that her disappearance is unrelated and are largely unconcerned.

Shannan’s mother, Mari (Amy Ryan) doesn’t fit the profile of a grieving mother. Her family isn’t made for television. There’s precious little sympathy extended to victims like Shannan. They live a “high risk” lifestyle so when bad things happen, the victims are blamed, the police are unimpressed, the culprits allowed to disappear, or worse, to re-offend. Certainly in this case, the Long Island serial killer appears to have more than a dozen victims, and those are just the skeletons police have accidentally stumbled upon. Imagine if they were actually looking.

Shannan Gilbert was a daughter, a friend, a big sister. She was a real person. This is a true story. Her short life was filled with pain and because there were no easy choices for her, her death was not a tragedy worth investigating. This movie doesn’t have a real ending because Shannan’s murder remains unsolved. Director Liz Garbus allows us to sit with this reality, a small and meager tribute to a life cut short. The film flirts with different suspects only to highlight that the police do not. This entire investigation (or lack thereof) is either gross incompetence or a complicit coverup. The truths here are ugly, the endings aren’t happy. But the film is suffused with a roiling anger that is perhaps the important take away of Lost Girls – a sense of injustice for young, vulnerable women, whom society has judged not worthy of its concern.

October Sky

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Why is it so hard for fathers to support their sons? Why are fathers so obsessed with insisting their sons be exactly like them? On the other hand, daddy issues have been extremely fruitful for Hollywood, so…

So yeah. Homer and his dad John don’t get along. John (Chris Cooper) works in a mine like almost all of the men in their mining town do, which is kinda what makes it a mining town, and fully expects his two sons to do the same. It’s the 1950s and mining is actually starting to decline but no one wants to see the writing on the shaft, not yet anyway. It’s pick axes full steam ahead, every third word punctuated with a buckling, phlegmy cough. Except for Homer (Jake Gyllenhaal, still in his puppyhood), a lackluster student who resists his mining fate but doesn’t have a lot of other options. Until the world’s first satellite, Sputnik, is launched into orbit and Homer’s sights turn to the skies. He’s inspired to discover rocketry for himself, and his new passion takes him all the way to the national science fair, but it never wins his father’s approval.

Eep. It’s sad but there you have it: John’s not just disappointed, he’s ashamed. He’s ashamed to have a son who’s “full of himself” because he dreams of something other than a carbon copy of his parents’ life and who’s “wasting his time” teaching himself calculus and physics.

As an inspirational drama, it’s fairly predictable, but October Sky is made better by top quality performances and some real heart, learning seen as a key to a wider world, to more and better choices, for enriching life. It’s kind of a fun notion. For most of us, we’ve grown up taking space travel for granted. Moon landings are ancient history. But for Homer and his friends, it fired up their imaginations; the science followed their ideas, and let them straight to the stars.