A hot mess. That’s what it is.
Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn is just about the only reason to watch this thing, and honestly, I’d like to break up with the rest of the movie and do the post-break-up thing where I cut the rest of the cast out of all the pictures and just make a glorious 18 minute movie out of just the Robbie footage. I’d be happier with that. Not super happy. I still thought the Quinn character was too loosely drawn and scantly introduced. Like, I totally buy that a patient could brainwash her into being evil. But there is no amount of 
brainwashing on the planet that could induce me to speak with a Jersey accent randomly. Or to replace my PhD-level vocabulary with baby talk. That shit is bananas.
I don’t know much about this Suicide Squad outside of what the movie told me, and what the movie told me was downright confusing. Supposedly they’re super-villains, mostly sprung from tremendous prison sentences. Yet assembled they’re pretty…meek. And reserved. And obedient. I thought we’d get to see them just going apeshit in Gotham, unleashing all kinds of gleeful hell, but instead they thoughtfully fight a super bland villain that I felt mislead about in the marketing campaign.
The only thing I really connected to in the movie was the music. I assume that the money they saved on Tom Hardy backing out was funneled directly to the music budget. We don’t know for sure why Hardy left – some say for reshoots for The Revenant, some say he just didn’t like the script (although I expect most of the big stars signed on without seeing a script). I think he was supposed to be the most vanilla cracker out there, Rick Flag, and I can’t imagine him being happy with that crummy role. While I appreciated the music (great big pop anthems that helped perk me back up – my patience and attention floundered considerably, and often), I can also see how it was a cop out. First off: you aren’t Guardians of the Galaxy. Music had a purpose and is part of the universe. In Suicide Squad it just felt they were using music to distract us from the fact that they didn’t know how else to finish a scene. Or begin the next one.
Being part of the Suicide Squad must be a lot like being part of Taylor Swift’s squad. I mean, can you name anyone in it besides Taylor Swift? Harley Quinn is obviously the Taylor Swift here, and Will Smith is The Duff (designated ugly fat friend) – he’s nice to 
have around mostly just to prop her up. Smith didn’t annoy me as much as I feared (this movie has so many bigger problems), but Robbie is the true star. She plays Quinn not with a truly villainous heart, but with a completely troubled one – with loads of vulnerability. When the witch tempts her with a vision, her true heart’s desire is revealed to be…a banal suburban existence, completely with a husband and an infant. Clearly the good Doctor is still buried within her, and is peaking through. Or maybe it’s the baby in her belly poking mama in utero. Because she must be pregnant, right? Why else would the Joker so doggedly rescue her? He’s not exactly the kind of guy who’s all about love, honour, and commitment. But what if she’s his baby mama? Why else would he be seen lying in a womb made out of knives, skirted with baby clothes? It must have been some bad-guy baby shower!
Speaking of the Joker…what the fuck? I’m not in love with Jared Leto’s portrayal, and I’m not certain about David Ayer’s intention. Who is this Joker? Chris Nolan’s Joker was so demented there’s no way he could be in a relationship. You cannot picture Heath Ledger’s Joker having a Netflix and chill night with his girlfriend. So this Joker’s…I’m not sure. Down to earth just seems wrong. But he’s not as twisted. He’s more human, in a hipster’s 
ironic conception of a Latino gangster-cum-circus clown hybrid kind of way. We didn’t see much of him so it’s hard to tell, but he also didn’t seem as evilly inventive as I’ve come to expect in a Joker. So he’s possessive and he’s got some hacker friends. Big deal. I’m sorry that so many of Leto’s scenes ended up on the cutting room floor because I found him to be the second most compelling character in the bunch, and he’s not even on the squad! He’s the Calvin Harris of the bunch. Or the Tom Hiddleston, I suppose, just trying to steal Taylor Swift away all for himself. Fuck the squad.
And let’s be honest: this movie couldn’t handle the squad. It didn’t know what to do with them. The introductions were wildly variable, and, spoiler alert: the character who noticeably didn’t get one DIES. Yeah, that’s right, Ayer. Your shit is weak. You clearly couldn’t cook up a fun and deliciously depraved story for these fuckers so you gave us this watered down jumble instead. You should have saved it for someone who had the cojones. I think a satisfactory Joker-Quinn story could have been told here instead. DC jumped the gun with Suicide Squad – too many unknown characters, too little for them to do, too little story to make us care. But watching ‘Mister J’ change diapers for little Joker Junior in Arkham? Now that I’d be down for.
Check out more Suicide Squad discussion on our podcast:
fact that I liked 
By now you’ve probably read that a lot of people have felt let down by Suicide Squad. I was too. Its missteps aren’t as embarrassing as BvS’s were but its best moments weren’t as impressive either. Actually, while BvS ended with me feeling like I’d seen the biggest movie of the year, Suicide Squad ended with me wondering “Was that it?”.
love, Quinn is the only character in the whole ensemble whose actions always make sense and Robbie is the only actor of the bunch who never makes a false move.
Squad. Unfortunately, they don’t get nearly enough chance to just be themselves and play off one another. Like BvS, it’s far too interested in its needlessly complicated plot than it is in its characters.
monarch extremely wealthy. To get to Tarzan, he of course kidnaps Jane. Christoph Waltz has played versions of the same character over and over since he won the Oscar for it in Inglorious Basterds. It doesn’t work here and hasn’t worked in a while, but he’ll keep getting typecast, and we’ll keep suffering. But there’s a trade-off: Samuel L. Jackson is our comic relief, and he’s almost too good at it, stealing scenes from Tarzan himself.
hallucinations. But that’s 6 months or more perfecting his physique (and what was wrong with it to begin with, I wonder? He wasn’t exactly known for being a slouch), and maybe 10 days of memorizing his lines, and that’s “acting.” To be fair, Skarsgard isn’t really the problem here, but he’s also not much of a help. He’s surrounded by 2 Oscar winners and 2 more nominees. If Tarzan is the weak link in your Tarzan movie, your Tarzan movie’s got a problem. And as pretty as he looks, I did wonder how it was that Lord Greystoke, so long removed from the jungle, still had that amazing King of the Jungle body. Jane’s cooking must really suck. Were there even gyms in 1880s England?
scenes for her behind her back, forcing Alba to keep the bikini thing going for far longer than she was comfortable with. The gimmick worked though, and her bikini is
what people remember most about the movie. Kate Bosworth made her bikini mark in Blue Crush, a movie about “girl surfers” with an impressive amount of wardrobe changes. Bosworth wasn’t the only one turning heads – her whole crew, including Michelle Rodriguez and Sanoe Lake, looked equally fabulous wearing not very much.
a better example than Kate Upton bouncing around in 
o make Cameron Diaz, an honest-to-god-Charlie’s-Angel, to feel vulnerable? (Sidebar: who among us could forget when a 40&fab Demi Moore strutted around in her bikini, putting those Angels to shame?) Meanwhile, Brooklyn Decker was on hand to heat things up in Just Go With It
and did a mighty fine job of it until her co-star Jennifer Aniston took off her own clothes revealing that “sneaky hot 
body” (and then had a coconut-bikini-off with Nicole Kidman, just to keep things classy). And I can hardly write a bikini post without mention of Bunny Lebowski (Tara
Reid) in her lime green bikini (and matching scrunchie!) asking for her toes to be blown on. The 90s were a fabulous time. Just two years later, another bikini was making an impression on me: Virginie 
Ledoyen was looking fine in Danny Boyle’s The Beach. Oh to be the sand upon which she lays. The bikini, by the way, has a great built-in sand disposal unit. It has nowhere to hide! And how can we forget Salma Hayek revealing herself to 
English-speaking audiences in a daring little bikini (boldly accessorized) in From Dusk Till Dawn. She owned that thing like she owned us. Also 
sealing sex symbol status in bikinis: Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. Not that her usual Lara Croft attire left much to the imagination, but fan boys like skin and she was prepared to flash it, as long as she could still strap on
her weaponry. Margot Robbie, however, didn’t need knives, because she’s got killer curves and puts them to devious use in 
Mousketeer, the epitome of wholesomeness) so you could say that it was her rather dowdy swimsuit that helped pave the way for newer generations of Disney stars gone sexy, like Selena Gomez in Spring Breakers.
pin-up-worthy movie poster for One Million Years B.C. in which she wore a bikini made of animal skin, infuriating PETA. Sorry PETA, but I think it’s clear that Raquel wins.
Another dubious choice for bikini material: Pam Grier’s crocheted bikini. I don’t want to think about what it looks like if you get it wet, but here’s the thing about Pam Grier: she makes everything look cool. And speaking of bikinis you wouldn’t want to get wet, how about that m
etal slave bikini that Leia wears in 
This list wouldn’t exist without Bo Derek. She has proven over and over to be a perfect ’10’ and has more bikini looks than I can count. I might be slightly partial to this one. Brigitte Bardot has also earned herself multiple entries onto this list and actually starred in a movie called The Girl in the Bikini, although she’d popularized 
the look as far back as 1956 in …And God Created Woman. No matter when or where, she’s always doing it justice.
Gloria Hendry is to be applauded not just for sporting a bikini while kicking ass in Live or Let Die, but for successfully accessorizing it with a machine gun. She’s tough and fit but proves she’s also sassy and feminine in her swimwear. James Bond never stood a chance.
send-up to an earlier Bond Girl: Ursula Andress 40 years prior in Dr. No. She too appeared from the sea in 
nothing but a bikini and a blade. The copycats don’t end there: you may remember that Heather Graham sported a similar look in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. 
ssory: Sean Connery.
Diamond-smuggling bad girl in a hot bikini: Tiffany Case (Jill St John) from 1971’s Diamonds Are Forever.
Caroline Munro throws a kimono over her bikini in 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me.
of “Kabul cute” – women who were a 4 back home in New York are suddenly 10s. Tina Fey plays the 4. Margot Robbie plays a 15.
the trailer, for that matter, played up the movie’s comic aspect even though the movie’s a dramedy at best, lobbing one-liners like hand grenades into a pretty grim war zone.
ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES 