Monthly Archives: December 2014

Hateship Loveship

I’m still wondering if I liked this movie.

It’s quiet and unassuming, much like the drab and dull caretaker character played by Kristen Wiig (who’s so retiring the costume designer actually wraps her up in beige). Sent to help an elderly man (Nick Nolte) care for his granddaughter who lives with him (mother dead, father recently released from prison), the mousey Johanna becomes privy to family secrets and hungers for some kind of belonging. The granddaughter (Hailee Steinfeld) pulls a mean prank on Johanna and starts up a fake correspondence, ostensibly from her father (played by Guy Pearce). Naively, Johanna quickly falls in love and goes to him.

It’s at this point that I started to feel like I knew this story, that I had read it in some very similar, too similar to be coincidence, but not quite the same, form. And it’s true. It’s based on an Alice Munro story called Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage, although you have to smudge the details a bit, such as replacing “rural Canada” with “Chicago.”

So Johanna treks out to remote, inaccessible Chicago to be with the man she loves, but who has no idea they’ve been involved in an online relationship. There she finds a coke addict and a thief, but she decides to stay and soon plain Johanna has a green emerald dress and (hello, metaphor!) you know what that means – she is transformed.

The film has a pretty strong cast of supporting characters but I’m not sure I bought Wiig as Johanna. Her dowdiness is expressed in mannerisms familiar to her fans – she started many a character is much the same way, eyes fluttering downward, pursed lips, negative space. So her performance felt a little like an SNL skit without the punchline. Serviceable, but ultimately unsatisfying.

So I guess my feelings toward this movie are as tepid as the movie itself. It veers away from the source material in interesting but fundamentally disappointing ways. Whoever thought they could improve on Munro’s ending should be shot. Munro is much more comfortable with things left unsaid; she trusts her readers to draw their own conclusions. Liza Johnson, the not-so-fearless director, does not. She leaves us with a generic, happy ending instead.

Fading Gigolo

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John Turturro writes and directs this movie, and stars in it alongside Woody Allen doing a terrific Woody Allen impression.

Both men are past their prime and underemployed, so when Woody’s doctor mentions that she and her girlfriend are thinking about having a “menage” (a trois!) he volunteers his good pal Johnny Turturo, who’s “good with the ladies” and “sexy” and “looks good naked.”

All of these things are new and surprising and difficult to comprehend for an audience more used to thinking of John Turturro as he actually is. Good thing for director’s conceit.

It was hard to digest this movie for many reasons, but above all: why on earth would a hot lesbian couple made up of Sharon Stone and Sofia Vergara need to pay for sex? And if they were so inclined to do so, why are they paying for John Turturro and not Channing Tatum? The only way John Turturro starts to seem like a good option is when you stand him next to say…Woody Allen. Oh. I see what happened here. Suddenly the casting all makes sense. Johnny looks good in a comparative\relative way, and he gets to make out with a lingerie-clad wet dream and call it a living. The only thing more mystifying than this dynamic is the one between Turturro and a Jewish widow who is so orthodox that she cannot shake his hand and yet somehow has sought out the services of a neurotic gigolo and his spastic ho.

I see now that it was a morbid curiosity that made me watch this movie and I tell you with confidence that the world could have done without it. This gigolo didn’t fade fast enough.

From One Second to the Next

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From legendary documentary film maker Werner Herzog comes Frome One Second to the Next, an unflinching look at the consequences of texting and driving.

This documentary is really about content. Herzog tries to jazz it up with some stylized shots of people kneeling thoughtfully beside crash sites, or the empty hand of someone who was once holding on to a child for safety, but these shots are glaringly unnecessary in a film that already has an impactful message.

Of course we hear from victims, or victims’ families, but these accounts are as predictable as they are tragic. It sounds like testimony, like victim impact statements. We find more connection in other moments, like a police officer choking up over an infant’s fatal injuries, or the blank stare of a woman so traumatized she registers no emotion hearing her sister list the extensive damages incurred to her both physically and financially, but suddenly engages when recalling her dog, also a victim in the acciddent, who flew violently threw the air before landing where he would ultimately die, but not before seeing his owner into an ambulance.

I was glad to hear from a couple of the perpetrators (and angry to not hear from all). Their regret is palpable even if their sentences are underwhelming. For the most part, the film keeps its focus appropriately on the victims, always with the distinct undercurrent of the complete preventability of their deaths.

This film is available on Netflix.

Big Hero 6

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Now that was a great cartoon! It was just as advertised – robots and superheroes! I can’t say enough good things about it. Things started slow as we were going to be the only ones in the theatre but then at the last minute a couple walked in and for reasons unknown sat in the seats right behind us. Then came about 8 previews, none of which were for Star Wars 7, but some looked good. And then the short, which was very enjoyable and reminded me of our puppy Bronx. But things really took off when the bot fighting started, and I was hooked from that point on.

By far the best part of this movie is Baymax the robot. I wish I had a robot like Baymax. He is the best inflatable robot I have ever seen. And his voice just added to his awesomeness, as did his love of hugs. Even better was when he got drunk (or as we call it in cartoons, had a “low battery”). I criticized Frozen for being a vehicle to sell princess dolls but Disney, you sold me on this one. I will buy every existing and future Baymax toy for our nieces and nephews (but will keep them at our house since I am sure their houses are already full of toys). Baymax is that good.

The other characters are pretty good, as good as needed, but in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Baymax really steals the show. When he’s not on the screen I was mostly waiting for him to come back, but wisely the movie never lets him go away for too long once we meet him. It’s a fun movie, an action packed movie, and a sweet orphan teenager/robot best friend movie. Really well done. Jay knew what was coming, as she always does. I didn’t see the twists in advance but admit I should have. Whether or not you see what’s around the corner, if you like action or superheroes or ever wanted to own a robot, you need to see this movie. And if you like action and superheroes and wanted to own a robot, you’re probably going to need to see it more than once.

Big Hero 6 is fantastic and rates ten musical fist bumps out of ten, plus one inflatable robot hug for good measure.

Frozen – reviewed by the last man on earth to see it.

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I saw Frozen for the first time last night. Jay knew I hadn’t seen it and since all our nieces and nephews want Elsa dolls for Christmas, it seemed the time was right. I generally enjoy animated movies (or cartoons as I will probably always call them) and Wreck-It Ralph is one of my recent favourites. Since Frozen is Disney’s follow up to Wreck-It Ralph (at least chronologically) I thought Frozen might be quite enjoyable. As it turned out, there was a little bit of truth to that but not as much as I would have hoped.

The problem for me was that Frozen is basically another princess movie geared toward selling new dolls and dresses and direct-to-video sequels. And clearly it has been a massive success on that front, but it struck me as a very hollow movie. I think there were a few good choices made in its creation, mainly that Elsa did not become the bad guy (which Jay tells me was originally going to happen until they realized they were going to have a huge hit in “Let it Go”) and that the guy with the reindeer did not really end up saving our two princesses.

I shouldn’t complain too much. I don’t want to be unfairly critical or hard on Frozen. After all, it is a cartoon and a princess movie at heart and on those levels I can understand why it is beloved by all my little relatives. It’s just a big step down from Wreck-It Ralph, which really lived up to Pixar’s legacy as a movie that was designed for people my age as much as it was for kids (see Up, Toy Story, the Incredibles, etc.). It’s a high standard and a tough mark to hit but there have been some great animated movies produced in the last ten years (some not even by Pixar) and I hope most people making movies, animated or otherwise, are aiming to match or beat what has come before. Frozen had a few moments where something new and exciting seemed like it might materialize but I think it just ended up being too easy for them to stick to the tried and true princess formula instead of really making something original and memorable.

Hopefully Big Hero 6 will be a stronger continuation of Pixar’s best efforts, or at least be more exciting. That’s probably a safe bet because it seems to be about robots and superheroes so there should be very few princess cliches involved. And for whatever reason, robot and superhero cliches do not bother me at all; I will happily watch the same basic plot over and over if Batman is involved, but if you put a singing princess (or two) in the starring role and tell a generic story then I’ll call your movie unoriginal. So don’t be surprised to see my Guardians of the Galaxy review assign a final score of 21 out of ten space guns (or something equally clever) but in the meantime I am not ashamed at all to give Frozen a rating of six talking snowmen out of ten.

(Check out the comments for Jay’s rant on Frozen’s supposed feminism.)

Interstellar

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I didn’t understand all of Interstellar and it wasn’t my fault.

Christopher Nolan was so impressed with composer Hans Zimmer’s slightly over-bearing score for Batman Begins that the two have been practically inseparable ever since (with the exception of The Prestige). Zimmer’s work on Inception and The Dark Knight trilogy (usually) compliment Nolan’s story and images nicely, adding drama and suspense in all the right places. The only trouble is, when Nolan cranks the volume up to 11 and the music really starts to swell, it can be nearly impossible to make out some of the dialogue. It doesn’t help that the director loves to have his actors mumble and whisper their lines (sometimes even from behind a Bane mask).

This is even truer of Interstellar, with the roar of space shuttles and pickup trucks, dust storms, and Zimmer’s score render the dialogue completely inaudible in several places. What’s worse is this is not a movie where you can really afford to miss anything. Nolan packs as much information, theorizing, and heart-to-hearts as he possibly can into Interstellar’s nearly three-hour running time and missing even a minute is missing a lot. So, SPEAK UP, will you, Coop? And turn the music down.

As a fan of Christopher Nolan since Memento, I had been looking forward to this movie for months so I was a little disappointed when it got off to what I thought was a bit of a rough start. Matthew McConaughey, who’s been on a surprisingly long winning streak lately, plays Coop, a corn farmer who should have been an astronaut and almost got to be one once. But we don’t need astronauts anymore.

We spent so much money and resources on the space race and arms race that we have run out of food. This is an interesting vision of the not-so-distant future but we are brought up to speed on what’s been going on in some uncharacteristically (for Nolan) clumsily written scenes. Coop soon discovers that he has been “chosen” to lead a team through a wormhole into another solar system to find another planet for us to live (and ruin). Nolan rushes through all of this with plot conveniences, clumsy exposition, and lazy writing, as if he’s as eager as we are to just move this story into outer space as fast as possible.

The film really gets off the ground once the shuttle takes off. The images of space travel are unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a movie and decisions these characters will have to make are sure to make for passionate discussions during the ride home from the theater. What significance do we as a species have in an infinite universe? What does it mean to “save the human race?”. Should we follow scientific data or our heart when deciding how close we want to live to a black hole?

Nolan’s always been very good at this, even when making superhero movies. The questions he raises about human nature have made for some of the best post-movie discussions I’ve ever had. This is no surprise. What surprised me most about Interstellar were the scenes of Coop receiving transmissions from his children who are still stuck on Earth, surprisingly moving from a filmmaker who usually prefers to mess with your head than aim for the heart.

In Interstellar, Christopher Nolan gets the chance to show us new aspects of his talent that are pleasant surprises. I still think he’s at his best when he raises troubling questions about the monster inside all of us and I am not sure how I feel about this new Look to the Heavens and Love Conquers All side of him. But whether or not its director has gone soft on us, Interstellar is well worth watching.

This asshole not enough for you? Read Jay’s review over here.

Jurassic World: a preview

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Everyone’s buzzing about two movie trailers that were supposed to drop into theatres this Friday – Star Wars, and Jurassic World. But Jurrassic world managed to win the day with a “leak” (that was probably more scoop than oops).

So who’s excited to see this one? I think the franchise lost a lot of viewers with their last installment but they’re hoping for a major reboot (and a major payday). They’re peddling their little asses off; as if a trailer premiere isn’t enough, they teased the teaser in the days leading up to its realease.

You’ll still have to wait 6 more months of this movie – Jurassic World is released June 12 – but it looks like the park is finally open. Yes, 22 years (22! Who feels ancient?) have passed since the park was first dreamed into reality by John Hammond. We all know that didn’t exactly go well for the park or for the people (and director Colin Trevorrow promises that neither Sam Neill, Laura Dern, nor Jeff Goldblum will be forced back onto the island under any pretenses. Pinky promise?). This film features Chris Pratt (note: too cute to be eaten) as an on-site scientist doing behavioural research on velociraptors (um, why?). Dinosaur-hell breaks loose when the company inadvertently (worst track record ever!) unleashes a genetically modified (because they can be patented – cha-ching!) hybrid dinosaur on the park.

I think Sean just got wood. Not only is this going to be a MAJOR drive in movie this summer, it’s also going to get its own Lego sets (making this Chris Pratt’s third time as a little yellow plastic man – there’s gotta be some kind of club for that). Merchandising aside, this movie is guaranteed to be good – after all, the last time co-stars Judy Greer and Bryce Dallas Howard got together, a little piece of movie magic called The Village resulted. No bombs in sight.

p.s. Let’s hope the Jurassic animatronics are of slightly better quality than the Zombeavers ones. Can I get a hell yeah?

Zombeavers: a totally real movie. Apparently.

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So it’s come to this: Zombeavers. If this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, I don’t know what is. I don’t want to know what is. Sean’s cousin pointed me toward this gem and I can’t thank her enough.

The worst thing about this movie is that it doesn’t really know it’s a joke. It tries to be a real movie. There’s no parody here (I mean, can you even parody a parody?), no wink toward the audience. It’s genuinely, earnestly a movie about zombie beavers.

Okay, that’s not the worst thing. But it’s a very bad, terrible thing.

Is it outrageous? No. It’s tired. The beaver jokes start almost immediately (to call it innuendo is aiming a bit too high, considering the script…innuendo implies something clever is happening, and there is NOTHING clever happening) unless you count the title, in which case the first and only joke is made before you even start the movie. If you’ve seen the poster, you’ve seen enough.

Bill Burr and John Mayer in a handlebar (believe it) open this thing up with a discussion about shitting in your friend’s house. It turns out that this would be the high point of the film (plus or minus the gratuitous dick pics), and it shouldn’t come of much of a surprise that it’s these two chuckleheads responsible for the whole zombified beaver mess.

Cue the pretty people partying and sexing it up in a secluded cabin in the woods. The script refers to them variously as college kids and sorority sisters but leaves the audience wondering which college exactly lets in kids who don’t know what a beaver dam is, or a landline for that matter. There is near-immediate toplessness (admittedly some pretty great tits) but then the douchebag boyfriends show up and a round of pointless fuking ensues.

A fun drinking game to play while watching this movie (and believe me, you’ll want to be on the vodka train for this doozie) would be to guess which douche is the first to bite the dust. Or better yet: which douche goes for a swim in the lake and comes back holding his own severed foot?

But wait! These zombeavers aren’t just hungry for human meat, they’re also quite devious. They don’t just sever feet, they also sever phone lines.

By the way. This movie goes the way of some 80s classics of the genre, eschewing effects for animatronics which are inevitably terrible. You’ve seen better animatronics on the 25 cent carousel in front of your grocery store. They’re not funny, they’re not scary, they’re just beaver puppets and totally, totally regrettable. A real dog is thrown in as beaver-bait and when he dies, so does the best actor in the bunch.

The worst actor of the bunch, “Hutch Dano”, does in fact “play” a very convincing dickwad. What he fails to convey with any aplomb is “guy hammering a nail.” Seriously. Watch this guy hammer a nail. And then watch him play whack-a-mole when the beavers start popping up through holes gnawed in the floor.

And if you thought the zombeavers were bad (and they’re godawful, truly), you should see what happens when a human gets bit and morphs into a zombie-beaver-human hybrid. It’s almost poetic and the costume lady seems to have saved herself some time by reusing the Miley Cyrus’s redneck teeth she bought for Halloween. Two birds, meet one stone. Love it.

There are a lot bad choices in this movie, but there is one redeeming factor: this movie clocks in at just 71 merciful minutes. So there’s that.

56 Up

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I learned about this documentary through watching Life Itself , the ode to Robert Ebert.He was apparently quite a champion of this series and I was curious to find out why.

In 1964, the movie’s producers assembled 14 “diverse” (meaning 1 biracial kid, 4 girls, and 2 kids from the country) seven year olds and asked them a whole bunch of questions about what it was like being them, and what they saw for themselves in the future. The premise was taken from a Jesuit motto “Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.” It was thought that at the time that these 7 year-olds would be heralding civilization into the next millennium (ie, they’d be grown up and leading us into the year 2000). The film has checked back in with the group every 7 years since, with this last installment, the group at age 56, filming in 2012 and airing in 2013.

What we get to watch is a decades-long social science experiment. These are very much ordinary people updating us on the minutiae of their lives. What have they become? Are they fullfilling their own prophecies? Living up to their potential? The director makes no bones about his original thesis – he assumed that each child’s social class would predetermine their future.The kids were apparently selected from different backgrounds (though like I said, they all seemed to come from the same end of the colour wheel). And the director himself admits that he didn’t anticipate “feminism” – he deliberately only followed 4 girls because it was sort of thought – who cares? They were never supposed to “become” anything anyway.The children were not held under contract so every 7 years since, they can volunteer (or not) to do the update. Though many express apprehension and sometimes even animosity toward the series, all but one have continued to make appearances.

Watching this, I wish I had started at the beginning. We see glimpses of previous interviews, we see the child, and the middle-aged adult, but I would have liked to have seen more. Each person presents us just a slice of their true picture, but we do pick up on divorce, unemployment, miscarriage, aging and ailing parents, the struggles of parenthood, and everyone’s changing (or static) politics.

The original hypothesis being that their life paths should have been set at birth has proven surprisingly (depressingly) true – most who started in the working class have remained there. But the interesting bit is not judging their success by the class which they inhabit, but rather by watching them judge it for themselves, over time. Are they happy? Satisfied? Do they feel they’ve wasted their lives? Contentment spreads over all the classes, as does doubt and regret.

I won’t summarize each of the subjects because that’s the point of the movie. One who really caught my eye though, I believe his name was Neil, was a sweet and charismatic little boy, not the one you might have guessed would grow up with mental health issues, only to battle thoughts of suicide, and spend time both jobless and homeless, but that’s what this film uncovers. These are not always pretty truths, but that’s exactly what we need to see. A little bit of reality before “reality TV” was ever a thing.

The exciting thing about watching this rather banal update is that it makes you question yourself. You wonder what you would have been telling the producer when you were 7. What job did you believe your future self would hold? I think when I was seven I wanted to be a teacher, which rather disgusts me now. My nephew (still a few years shy of 7) wants to be a green dragon when he grows up. Did your seven year old self think you’d ever get married? Or travel? See outerspace? Work a dead end job? Be a single parent? Are we failing our inner child’s dreams for us? Have we settled? Should we be happy with the compromises we’ve inevitably made? Are we learning from our mistakes? How do we really measure happiness, and what exactly is “success”?

Whatever experiment this started out as, it’s now become a question of existential proportions. And while I enjoyed watching this, I wished I was watching it with someone, maybe even some of you assholes, because I wanted to ask you these questions. Who did you think you would be when you were seven? Who do you think you’ll become in the next seven years? And at what point in your life can we really take stock, and declare it a success or a failure?

This movie is available to watch on Netflix.

Gone Girl, Starring Ben Affleck’s Penis

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The bad news is that you have sit through pretty much the whole entire movie just to see it. And don’t be distracted by his ass. That was a fine tactic by the filmmakers and I respect it but we should rise above. You can see ass in almost any movie. You came here to see dick.

See that thigh? Keeeeeep going…almost there. Penis! Side peen, but peen just the same.

Jennifer Garner, proud wife of Ben and owner of said penis, shocked Ellen by saying Fincher needed a “wide lens” to shoot that glorious thing.

I believe this movie is 2-for-1 in that we also get a glimpse of Neil Patrick Harris’ cock as well, but that one comes at the exact moment that the whole theatre is recoiling in horror and looking away.

So. Big Ben. Thumbs up or thumbs down?