Monthly Archives: July 2015

Minions

There’s nothing wrong with the Minions movie, as long as you call it what it is: a kid’s movie. In the olden days, kids’ movies would have primary-coloured protagonists with annoying, high-pitched voices who got into non-sensical high jinks with little to no thought to plot. And we were fine with this, because we’d pop it into the VCR and let it babysit our kids for a while, and we’d pay as little attention to it as humanly possible. But then Pixar came along and raised the bar. Sure they improved the quality of computer-generated animation, but they also did something few had done before: the movie spoke directly to the adults in the audience. They found a way to appeal to children, and also the child in all of us. So the other animation studios have (tried) to follow suit.

Despicable Me was reasonably successful at this – if you remember the Evil Bank where Gru goes to get an evil loan, you may have caught the sign, which identified the bank as (Formerly Lehman Brothers) – think the kids got that one? I took a poll. They did not. What kids did notice, however, was the bright yellow pill-shaped sidekicks, aka the Minions. They squeak gibberish and generally look cute while acting devilish – what 3-year-old can resist? In fact, these little sidekicks are modeled after three-year-olds, full stop. Sidekick spinoffs are meant for them, not us.

Minions are occasionally funny and occasionally annoying as fuck. You’ll get tired of the joke well before it’s over, but this movie isn’t made for you. It’s not even made for your adorable nephew. This movie is made to move merchandise, and dear god has it been successful on that score. A movie is a $12 ticket and maybe a $25 DVD, if they’re lucky. But adorable, rotund minions are potentially a whole line of toys waiting to happen. Action figures! Plushies! Jigsaw puzzles, sticker books, back to school supplies, board games, snack packs, fart guns, voice changers, licensed goddamned EVERYTHING! And we should know. Having recently visited Universal Studios, we Assholes were briefly (but memorably!) turned into minions. Thankfully we were turned back because the park was already overrun as it was: the minions were everywhere! You could eat them, buy them, have your picture taken with them. The Minions are a machine now. You may feed it dollars to keep it quiet.

Ant-Man

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Ant-Man reminded me a lot of the first Iron Man movie (which started this recent superhero craziness) so it makes a nice bookend as we close out Phase 2 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It is a small, focused and mostly self-contained movie about some good-hearted criminals who can’t be that good at their jobs since they all have served significant time in prison. But for whatever reason, Michael Douglas takes a liking to Paul Rudd. And really, it makes sense because Paul Rudd seems like a guy who you could trust with your superhero suit. So after a fairly long lead in, Paul Rudd learns to be Ant-Man and saves the world

The thing about superhero movies is: the plot doesn’t matter anymore. Every origin story is going to be the same, more or less. What separates the good from the bad is whether the movie (a) feels new or novel in some way; (b) makes you care about the characters and/or the outcome, even after having seen like 30 movies in this genre; and (c) makes you want to see the character join the Avengers/Guardians/Justice League for their next movie. On those criteria, Ant-Man is a smashing success.

I felt like this was something new and a movie that could have stood on its own. I cared about Ant-Man and wanted him to succeed. And after seeing Ant-Man, I hope that he joins the Avengers, if nothing else so we can see him interact with all of them.

And if/when Ant-Man jumps to the team, i hope Michael Pena tags along. He’s the funniest part about this movie and a huge reason why I enjoyed it as much as I did. Which was a lot, so i give Ant-Man nine subatomic superheroes out of ten!

Adding to the fun were the rumble seats, which are called D-Box at Cineplex for some reason. They were hard to choose over VIP at Lansdowne (food and alcohol delivery to my seat is the best thing i can think of) but now they’re in Gloucester too so that makes them easier to recommend. I would pay the extra money again for an action movie. Just be sure to turn the chair to its max setting, because obviously you want the most shake available! It’s not quite up to par with all the immersive movie rides we recently went on at Universal but it’s still fun and worth a try for the punching effect by itself. I look forward to trying them for Southpaw.

Blow Out

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Two college students are riding the bus together in Ottawa. One says to the other “I had to read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in French class this week and I was so bored because I couldn’t understand a single word. The only word I understood was ‘narcotique’ and I was like ‘Oh, that’s cool at least. They’re doing drugs'”. Her friend replies “Are you sure it wasn’t ‘narcotic’? Like ‘You’re so narcotic’?”

This is one of many conversations I couldn’t help overhearing between strangers that I’ll probably always remember. I’ve got a million of ’em. I like watching people, listening to them, and speculating about them. Like that guy who used to mysteriously sit and wait in our office’s reception area every morning an hour before we actually opened. What his deal was we’ll now never know but Jay and I sure did toss around a lot of ideas.

I’m coming off as a little creepy I’m sure but I really don’t think I’m alone here. Don’t you ever wonder about the people you see ride the bus with you every day or the girl who serves you your Starbucks every morning? It can’t just be me and Rachel, the obsessive alcoholic who carefully observes the young couple living in a house that her train passes every morning in Girl on a Train, one of my favourite books lately. She starts to think of them as the perfect couple and even makes up names for them. Eventually, of course, she starts looking too closely and, after seeing something she shouldn’t have, winds up badly beaten up and in way over her head.

I thought of this when watching Blow Out today, Brian De Palma’s 1981 thriller that this post started out as a review of. In the film, John Travolta plays a sound effects guy who goes to the park in the middle of the night to record some wind. He can’t help taking advantage of his powerful recording equipment to listen in on a conversation between two lovers. Before he knows it, he’s witnessed himself a murder. A lot of De Palma’s style hasn’t aged well and it would be hard to get away with making Nancy Allen’s female lead so insultingly dumb if it were made today but I realized, while watching it, that I like movies about people watching people (Coppola’s The Conversation, for instance, or The Lives of Others). They’re a useful reminder that if you keep watching you may see something you wish you hadn’t.

That’s why Rear Window is quite possibly my favourite Hitchcock. James Stewart is in his apartment recovering from a leg injury with little to do but stare out his window and observe his neighbors from across the street. He too thinks he’s witnessed himself a murder, putting himself in some jeopardy. Of course the cops don’t believe him, nor did they believe Travolta or Rachel. Because people who watch people are weird and are unreliable witnesses.

This is what the movies are there for. To remind people like me that eavesdropping- like skinny dipping, ripping off the mob, getting inolved with a woman who you can’t take your eyes off of but who smells like trouble, asking “what could go wrong?”, investigating a suspiscious noise, and showering in a motel room- can be a lot of fun but it can also get you killed.

Trailers Blowin Up!

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For better or worse, it’s here, the first look at Suicide Squad.

First of all, oh my god, does anyone really want this many origin stories all at once? My head will implode. Warning you now, Sean: green plants will be required. In abundance.

Dorkly.com featured an article about a fan theory on Jared Leto’s Joker – are we buying it?

You know what I’m not buying? Will Smith. I know his career really needs a hit right now, but I’m just not sure I’m ready for any more Will Smith.

Some of the Joker – Jason Todd “evidence” comes right from the big man himself, Batman, in this little thing also unveiled at Comic Con:

How many good guys are left? How many stayed that way?

I’m really over Jesse Eisenberg. Like, he can just go back into the little suitcase from which he escaped. Totally over him.

Damn I wish ole Butt Chin Affleck wasn’t so sexy.

Also, Jesse Eisenberg refers to Batman and Superman as day vs night, which I misheard at first as gay – and I literally thought, um, which one?

Now, gun to head, you can only see one of these movies, which one’s it gonna be?

’71

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I only had time for one movie during our week of having my picture taken with beloved movie characters, visiting famous movie locations, and riding movie-themed attractions. I had been wanting to see ’71 since its screening at TIFF last year and when my brother bought the DVD at LA’s Amoeba Music (my new favourite place), I finally had my chance.

Set mostly over one eventful night in 1971 Belfast, ’71 tells the story of a new recruit to the British army (Jack O’Connell, from Starred Up and Unbroken) who is left behind by his unit during a conflict with angry Irish Catholic Nationalists. The film follows the soldier’s fight to stay alive in hostile territory while injured and scared shitless which sets off a bloody chain of events with far-reaching consequences.

First-time director Yann Demange takes no violent act for granted and is careful to acknowledge the personal and political cost of every punch thrown, every bullet fired, and every bomb that goes off. There are a lot of interested parties here and Demange shows compassion to members of each group. It’s refreshing and admirable even when the increasingly complex narrative eventually loses some momentum with a heavy-handed finale.

’71 works best as a thriller. When Demange is reminding us of the very real danger that the soldier finds himself in. Violence is used sparingly and usually following an extended build-up of tension. Hand-held cameras masterfully capture foot chases through apartment complexes, sides streets, and back alleys. it doesn’t hurt that O’Connell is up for the challenge. There’s not a trace of old school heroism with this guy as he limps through Belfast with genuine fear in his eyes.

This film may not be perfect but it is a very good one. Good enough to take a 99-minute break from my vacation.

Science Fiction (No Space, No Aliens)

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You’ll have to bear with me. I’ve been back from California for less than 12 hours and I’m alittle jet lagged. Nothing like meeting a gropey Doc Brown from Back to the Future at Universal Studios two days ago to get me thinking of my favourite science fiction movies though.

Blade Runner (1982)– Director Ridley Scott makes my list two weeks in a row. Blade Runner never seems to get old though and, more than Alien or Thelma and Louise, I would say this is his best work. The best sci-fi mixes genres and this noirish detective movie take on artificial intelligence still feels unique even when viewed over thirty years later.

The Matrix (1999)– Speaking of mixing genres, the Wachowskis throw all their favourite things- comic books, Eastern philosophy, kung fu movies, Western religion, and John Woo movies- into their story of A.I.’s enslavery of the human race. There are at least a dozen iconic images in this movie and seeing it for the first time was one of my all-time favourite movie theater experiences.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)– For those of us who like a little romantic comedy with our science fiction, Charlie Kaufman dreamt up his most beautiful story yet about Joel (Jim Carrey) taking advantage of a new technology to erase all memories of Clementine (Kate Winslet). It’s mostly a heartbreakingly funny exploration of how memory works and how our painful memories make us who we are but, of course, the movie also centers around a technology that hasn’t been invented yet and ponders the consequences of said technology so I am submitting what I often refer to as my favourite movie of all time as a science fiction pick.

Rebel Without A Cause

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We’re travelling home today, which means we’ll probably be watching something god-awful on the plane which you’ll likely have to read me whine about in tomorrow’s post. But today we can still bask in the glow of our wonderful California trip.

Rebel Without a Cause is a too-cool movie about too-cool kids and their fast, fast cars (and morals!). James Dean is the coolest, of course, so he can’t help it if both Natalie Wood and Sal Mineo both fall a little in love with him.

In the movie, their class visits the Griffith Observatory, and so will we. It’s a great spot for checking out the great big Hollywood sign but it’s also a bit of Hollywood history itself, having also appeared in Terminator Genisys, San Andreas, The Rocketeer, The People vs Larry Flynt, McFarland, among a host of others, including, notably, the Paula Abdul video for Rush Rush starring Mister Keanu Reeves. And now the Assholes Who Watch Movies will have visited it too. 😉

Universally Acclaimed

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Today we’re touring Universal Studios.

Courtney over at Cinema Axis wrote an interesting article recently about Universal’s surprising temerity and box office success despite the fact that they are one of few studios without a superhero franchise. They do, however, have thriving franchises in The Fast and The Furious, Jurassic Park, and The Minions (of Despicable Me fame), which all, not coincidentally, are featured heavily throughout the park.

And if you tour the backlot, so are some of their older hits, like Jaws, E.T., and Back to the Future. They’ve got props and costumes and even set pieces, like a plane crash from War of the Worlds and the house f universal rom Psycho (where Jim Carrey once spent the day doing his best Norman Bates impression between shooting scenes for Man on the Moon). It is, after all, still a working film lot. You can see the cul-de-sac where The Burbs was shot and some rides are housed in old sound stages; the Transformers ride inhabits one used for Hitchcock’s The Birds. The tour also takes you through current productions – you may have seen a segment on the Conan O’Brien show back in the day where he and Andy would stage events specifically for the tour as it passed.

I’m kind of a chicken when it comes to rides, so I’ll let Matt and Sean cover those. I have a feeling I’ll be found wandering around Springfield – yup, the very one housing Homer and Marge. I might just find myself a Krusty Burger and put my tired feet up for a while. No, scratch that. Make it Moe’s. Oh my god, do you think they’ll have Duff beer???

Check out our Twitter for shots of the day ( @assholemovies ) and previous posts for the rest of our California adventure.

Los Angeles, I’m Yours

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Today we’re exploring the big beautiful city of Los Angeles, and to prepare I’ve cycled through several films that have given me invaluable insight on what we might encounter:

Boyz N The Hood: Luckily our hotel is on Hollywood & Vine rather than in the ghetto. Ice Cube and Cuba Gooding Jr play boyhood friends who are just barely surviving the gunfire in their neighbourhood. Bullets and helicopters are the film’s soundtrack. John Singleton paints a pretty bleak outlook for these kids without the benefit of options, futures, or even fathers. Lessons learned: watch out for rival gangs and street racing, and eat your french fries indoors.

Fletch: Chevy Chase plays an investigative journalist a little too comfortable going undercover as a bum\new age guru. Fletch is looking into the booming drug trade on the beach when approached one day by a wealthy man who asks him to be the homeless man who shoots him dead, bypassing cancer and netting his wife the insurance. But Fletch isn’t really a bum and the guy isn’t really dying of cancer. Lessons learned: watch out for rollerskaters on the boardwalk, bums and new age gurus are practically indistinguishable, the people are rude to waiters, LAPD is useless.

L.A. Story: Steve Martin is a weather guy in sunny and 72-degrees Los Angeles. He resorts to hijinks just to make his broadcasts interesting. Then he meets a girl, and that’s when this satirization of the big city really starts to zing. A freeway signpost starts to talk to him, and he begins to listen. Lots of celebrity cameos ensue. Lessons learned: the traffic is so bad you may as well take love advice from it

Less Than Zero: Andrew McCarthy is back from college for the holidays and finds his girlfriend hooking up with his best friend, the drug addict (Robert Downey Jr – kinda tough to watch him like this all things considered). It’s a real testament to crazy L.A. decadence. Then James Spader makes RDJ become a whore, and things really get interesting. Lessons learned: the girls are loose and the drugs are abundant – just my kind of town!

Collateral: Jamie Foxx has cabbie good luck (hot lady fare, Jada Pinkett Smith, gives him respect AND her number) and cabbie bad luck (hit man, Tom Cruise, takes him hostage); just a typical day driving around L.A. I guess! He’s forced to drive around while Cruise assassinates various names on a list of witnesses – the last of which of course turns out to be previously mentioned hot lady. Lessons learned: watch your bags at the airport, doormen are for shit, maybe take the bus? Although Lesson learned in Speed: DO NOT take the bus!

If you’d like to find out whether we’ve taken the bus or a taxi, follow us @assholemovies – we’re updating our California adventure daily!

Bullitt, or How to Travel San Francisco in Style

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I love my Mustang so I am obliged to love Bullitt. That’s just the way it is. As I was watching this I found myself picturing my car chasing down a Dodge Charger (which I may have to do in real life one of these days), so that made it a little extra fun.

I have heard about this car chase for as long as I can remember. It deserves all the accolades. It feels like it could be real. There’s no CG, no pretend flawless driving by either car, it’s just a wild chase with two drivers smashing their cars against the road over and over as they navigate the hills of San Francisco, and then smashing into/shooting at each other for good measure until (spoiler alert) one blows up. There’s no music so you can focus on all the screeching tires and revving engines without any distractions. I wish that old school approach was applied more often today.

The rest of the movie? Not as awesome. I found it confusing (why was there such confusion over a witness’ identity?), annoying (I hated Chalmers SO MUCH) and sad (Bullitt is not a happy guy). It was also very plodding in parts. But that car chase made watching this movie worthwhile, and I can’t wait to try something similar this week with our rental car!

If you’re keeping up with our travel notes, today we’re hopping in our Mustang convertible and driving down the coast, from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Jay managed to snag the very last convertible in the state of California (and has also managed to obscure the price paid for such a feat, which I can tell by her squirrelly eyes is phenomenal). With the top down we should be able to taste the salt coming off the Pacific Ocean, all the way to the City of Angels.