Monthly Archives: November 2013

Why Stop Now

Jesse Eisenberg is having a terrible, no-good, very bad day. He’s a piano prodigy who needs to get to the audition that will launch his future, only he has to get his sister to school and his mother (Melissa Leo) to rehab first, if only her drug dealer (Tracy Morgan) will let him out of this inconvenient hostage situation.

This movie has no idea what it wants to be. It ricochets between the hijinks you’d expect from a drug dealer named Sprinkles badly in need of a Spanish translator, to the high drama of a family in turmoil, to the awful lows of the whiny, fast-talking tones of every single Jesse Eisenberg movie ever made. And was I comfortable with the white guy = piano prodigy, black guy = drug dealer dynamic? Not so much.

I suppose this film is mildly entertaining if you can forgive the fact that it doesn’t actually have anything to say. I mean, 5 minutes after it was done, I forgot how it ended. What was the point of all of this? Somewhere between wacky and weepy it gets muddled and lost and never recovers.

Paris Is Burning

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Shot between 1985 and 1989, Paris Is Burning is a documentary that explores the “ball culture” of New York City. These balls were beauty pageants of sorts, for drag queens certainly, but categories for competition tended to make room for black people, latino people, gay people, and transgendered. These categories and sub-categories are so structured that I could never explain them all to you, but people competed in “executive realness” (how well you can “pass” for a business person), for example, or showed off their catwalking skills, elaborate costumes, or dance moves.

Competitors grouped together in “houses” (like the House of Chanel), which were substitute families in a community that really needed them. Director Jennie Livingston spent years interviewing people and putting this thing together, and it’s given me insight into a world I never knew existed. Drag isn’t just a subculture here, it’s a complex thing of race and class and gender identity that allowed for a pretty wonderful self-expression.

The film brought voguing into the mainstream although it was actually just a small part of the movie. What I’ve gleaned is this:

First, reading: to get a good ‘read’ on someone, you find their flaw and you come up with a good insult about it. But the truer the flaw, the better the read. It’s not just about being mean, it’s about being shrewd I think.

Then, shade: to throw shade is to slyly insult someone. You disrespect them with trash talk.

And finally, voguing: which is the dance equivalent. I never knew that all these concepts were somehow interconnected, but yes, voguing is part of a dance battle where you freeze repeatedly in glamourous positions (as if you’re a model on the cover of Vogue magazine), trying to outdo each other. A few years later Madonna will bring this trend to the mainstream, white-washing it and losing its flavour, but it’s actually a pretty cool thing to watch the real stuff go down.

Candy Cane Christmas

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Phoebe (Beverley Mitchell) and childhood bff Laurie (Benedicte Belizaire) co-own the Seeing Green florist shop where they go all out at Christmas. Phoebe is very attached to tradition and so adverse to change that Laurie’s slightly different twist on Christmas decorations gives her anxiety. Worse still, Candy Cane Lane, a street in her neighbourhood famous for its well-lit homes, won’t be happening this year for the first time Phoebe can remember – or possibly ever again thanks to dwindling interest. Laurie sees this as an opportunity for Phoebe to step outside of her stifling comfort zone and encourages her to try new things in attempt to fill these new voids.

That’s how Phoebe meets (well, re-meets) Eric (Mark Ghanimé), a very handsome veterinarian whose only flaw is having closed himself off from love after a bad break-up. Seriously, piercing green eyes AND he likes dogs? Take me now!

But no. Settle down, folks. This is a very respectable Hallmark holiday movie we’re talking about, and Eric is a true gentleman whose only known hobby is hanging out in a retirement residence with his aunt (Sean recognized it as local: this film was shot right here in our backyard). Although Hallmark guarantees a happy ending and true love forever, it can’t make it too easy on you, or it wouldn’t achieve its 91 minute runtime. A series of misunderstandings will do the trick, and string us along until it’s time to kiss and commit. Ah, Hallmark, you traditional old fool.

Jingle Bell Bride

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Jessica’s celebrity client not only has some pretty hefty demands for her upcoming wedding, she’s also a chronic mind-changer, and wouldn’t you know it, the famous singer is demanding a last-minute change to her bouquet, and wedding planner Jess (Julie Gonzalo) has no choice but to fly to a tiny and remote Alaskan community to track down the essential jingle bell blooms.

In fact, the town (population 112) of Tapeesa is in the midst of their Jingle Bell Festival, celebrating their rare and beautiful flower. With the high-profile wedding just days away, Jess needs her round-trip expedition to be flawlessly executed, and of course it is not. First there’s plane maintenance (the Tapeesa airport has just the one plane, and just the one flight out per day), and then there’s a storm (what, snow in Alaska? No wonder they’re flummoxed!), and long story short, while her boss freaks out back in the big city, Jessica is grounded in Alaska, with nothing to do but attend the festival and become its queen. Oh, and fall in love with her tour guide and flower hookup Matt (Ronnie Rowe), who teaches her the charms of extremely small town life, and how not to die in the extreme Alaskan cold.

But if love does manage to blossom like those dainty jingle bell blooms, what then? They live miles and worlds apart. Can love overcome a pretty common obstacle? I have faith that Hallmark with find a way.

Snowed-Inn Christmas

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Jenna Hudson (Bethany Joy Lenz) and Kevin Jenner (Andrew Walker) both work for the same publication, and now they’re basically competing to see which one will keep their job come Christmas. They’ve both volunteered to fly to Aspen to cover luxury holiday chalets but wouldn’t you know it, a fierce snow storm forces them to land in Santa Claus, Indiana. Which, okay, I admit I’m skeptical that their plane would get diverted to small town Santa Claus, but sure, they’ve been diverted to a rinky dink tiny town that’s so unprepared for snow they’ll be snowed in for days.

Or should I say: snowed inn. Because of course the only place they can check in is a historic inn run by Carol and Christopher Winters.

Now, let’s remember that Jenna and Kevin have volunteered to be away on assignment over Christmas, even if this is now the wrong assignment. Neither is holiday-oriented, and they’ve done all they could to escape celebrations. Santa Claud, Indiana, is not much of an escape. It’s pretty in-your-face and down-your-throat about the whole Christmas thing, so now Jenna and Kevin have no choice but to pair up and write about this, their small town Christmas extravaganza, even though they’re holiday-averse and they’re polar opposites when it comes to work – Jenna organized and a little rigid, Kevin unprepared and winging it. Neither is impressed and yet we the savvy audience have a pretty good idea that they’ll soon be putting aside their petty differences to fall in love, with both the season, and each other.

What do you think, guys? Can the spirit of Christmas triumph over all, even their career ambitions? Even the not too tragic tragedies in their back stories? Even Jenna having failed to anticipate a Christmas ball and not packed an appropriate dress, thus borrowing one from an elderly woman who’s aesthetic can only be described as “Mrs. Claus chic?” Only a view will tell – or, you know, a pretty lazy guess.

Christmas Next Door

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Eric (Jesse Metcalfe) is the worst kind of man, a dude bro who makes a living being a misogynist. He calls it “being a committed bachelor” and he writes and sells various propaganda endorsing his female-free lifestyle and teaching other men how and why to stay single too. His lavish home is open to weekly poker parties and football games, events none of his married friends’ wives would let them host on the regular. Nevertheless, his next book isn’t writing itself, and Eric isn’t exactly writing it either, and with the deadline looming (just after Christmas, of course) he’s got to come up with the next chapter of bachelorhood, and quick. His mom has other ideas. She’s been babysitting Eric’s niece and nephews but fakes sick in order to impel him to take over. With a couple of young kids running around his bachelor pad, he turns to the literal girl next door for help.

April (Fiona Gubelmann) is a kid-loving, Christmas-loving godsend, keeping the kids out of his hair, decorating with them, shopping and caroling and all of that holiday nonsense that bachelors can’t be bothered with and Eric in particular avoids because he believes himself to be Christmas-cursed.

April is almost a little too good at keeping the kids immersed in the holiday spirit; soon, even Eric is joining in. I’m not sure if his Christmas outlook is softening or his procrastination is just kicking into over-drive, but suddenly these disparate parties are acting like a very cozy family of four. It’s almost awkward when the kids’ parents actually return and grandma confesses her deception.

What do you think, guys? Do you think Eric will trade money for love? Eschew his cash cow brand and succumb to love and marriage and the end of bachelorhood forever? And do you think we, the audience, will forgive him even if he does? He’s not exactly your typical Hallmark love interest, he’s a skeevier sort that isn’t a trend in the right direction.

Christmas On My Mind

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Lucy (Ashley Greene) is doing some last-minute rushing around when she suffers a little bump to the head and wakes up frantic that she’s late to her own wedding. A Salvation Army Santa expresses concern, but the wedding dress in her hand seems to corroborate a certain urgency. However, when she finally tracks down fiancé Zach (Andrew Walker), she learns that she’s got a gap where 2 years worth of memories should be. In those 2 years, she and Zach have broken up, and Lucy’s actually engaged to another man now. Awkward.

Especially because her doctor (Jackée Harry) suggests she stay in town in an attempt to recover her memory. She’s leaning on Zach quite heavily because he’s the last thing she remembers, and she has no memory at all of the new guy, who makes it easy for her to avoid him. Lucy and Zach fall back into old patterns easily; it’s clear they had a close relationship at one time, and Lucy is both crushed and mystified as to why things ended. Zach’s new girlfriend isn’t thrilled by this intrusion, but Zach’s family, who always liked Lucy, pretty much welcomes her back with open arms. There was a spot there waiting for her, and she just kind of steps right into it, a perfect fit.

What’s next for Zach and Lucy? Will our girl ever get her memory back? What kind of weird amnesia has she got, anyway? There’s only one way to find out. Oh, and whether you watch or not, do mind your footing when doing your own rushing around this year.

Let It Snow

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Stephanie (Candace Cameron Bure) is a businesswoman devoted to her father’s empire with no time and no chill for Christmas sentiment. This year, however, her resolve will be tested as she’s sent to Snow Valley Lodge, a rustic retreat known for its elaborate Christmas traditions that her father will soon be buying up and overhauling into their next hot spot destination.

Brady (Jesse Hutch) is late to pick her up at the airport and she pretty much writes him off based on that. Brady is the son of the lodge’s current owners. He once thought he’d be the one taking over the lodge, but his father has always been adamant that things stay exactly as they have been for generations, which hasn’t exactly been all that sustainable of late. And while Stephanie’s dad (Alan Thicke) may have made some vague promises about keeping things as they are, he has absolutely no intention on honouring that at all. Stephanie’s there to start making recommendations, but she’s finding herself no longer immune to Christmas festivities. The lodge is winning her over – and so is Brady, who is more than just a tardy chauffeur, as it turns out.

What will she do? Embrace tradition and fight to keep the lodge as she found it? Recognize that her lack of Christmas spirit goes hand in hand with her absentee father? Earn his love by doing his bidding? Or throw in the towel and run an inn with her new husband Brady? And by golly, could the Leap Pad Ultra product placement get any bolder? If you watch, you will let me know, won’t you? 😉

A Kiss On Candy Cane Lane

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This one you can rule out before learning anything more about it. It’s forgettable even among a lineup of nearly identical Lifetime and Hallmark and Harlequin holiday romances.

Jennifer (Jillian Murray) goes home for Christmas because her sister has cancer and could use the support. But while she’s there, she bumps into her old college sweetheart Mark (George Stults), who’s just as handsome as ever. But Mark hasn’t been waiting around for her – he moved on, got married, even had a baby. But once the baby came, the wife left, and now Mark’s raising his newborn daughter on his own, and the whole town can’t quit gossiping about it. A saint, they dub him, for merely doing the bare minimum. Anyway, between the cancer and the baby, this Christmas, shit gets real for Jennifer. It’s not what she was looking for – especially because she left behind a boyfriend – but will she succumb?

Honestly, this one’s worse than most. You can do better. In fact, you could close your eyes and reach about with a mere candy cane and probably accidentally poke something better than this. Watch that. Even if it’s your cat. Even if it’s your microwave. Watch anything else.

Switched For Christmas

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In my next life, I’m going to set up some sort of lamaze-type class where we all hold hands and prepare our bodies for the amazing suspension of disbelief we need to accomplish to get through a Hallmark Christmas romance. For now just do your best, limber up, breathe deeply, and try to keep in mind that we can stop at any time if all gets to be too much.

Kate Lockheart is a very successful big city real estate developer who doesn’t take a lot of time out of work to celebrate Christmas, or celebrate anything, really, especially not since her mother died, but this year she’s in charge of a big corporate Christmas party, and a lot’s riding on it.

Chris Dixon is a small town school teacher, divorced with two kids. School’s about to let out for Christmas break but that doesn’t mean Chris gets time off; she’s in charge of the school’s Christmas festival, and there are a lot of moving parts to be organized, especially since this year they have a handsome benefactor with some ideas of his own.

Surprise! Kate and Chris are estranged identical twin sisters (both played by Candace Cameron Bure, of course). At a rare pre-Christmas lunch, they complain about their various burdens until they agree there’s only one real solution: a good old fashioned switcheroo. Kate will go home and throw Chris’s school festival, while Chris will stay in the city, planning the firm’s holiday shindig. They’ll both benefit from a change of pace, and maybe they’re also just a teeny bit envious of each other’s lives. Of course, things are never as simple as they seem, and since they’re grown women one would hope they would have foreseen some of the complications in Parent-Trapping themselves. And yet.

Thank god there’s a cute guy in both of these situations to sort of help gloss over the stickier spots. Of course, it’s not best practice to start out a relationship whilst pretending to be someone else, but who’s counting, right? It’s just a bit of fun?

Will this blow up in Kate and Chris’s identical twin faces? What would their dead mother think of this? Or their living father for that matter? And for the love of mistletoe, which twin will consume the most cocoa? You know what you have to do to find out.