Yearly Archives: 2016

AUFDRUCK (LABEL)

Last month, we got a Facebook message from a very brave filmmaker. Jaschar L Marktanner invited us to watch and review his short film, voluntarily facing the wrath of not one but three admitted Assholes. How fun it would be to pan AUFDRUCK (LABEL in English), from a writer-director so boldly putting themself in the hot seat.

Imagine my disappointment when I actually enjoyed it. LABEL is only four minutes long so a spoiler-free description is a unique challenge for me as a reviewer. I think (and hope) that Jaschar won’t mind me telling you that it’s shot in black and white, which is an excellent choice, partly because it adds to the French New Wave feel. In their first IMDB credits, Kira Mathis and Mary Krasnoperova play two women in a coffee shop describing a mutual acquaintance as a “son of a bitch”. Labelling and complaining with a friend over coffee may seem like a pretty universal experience but it soon becomes clear that these women use the label pretty liberally, as the conversation becomes more and more absurd.

LABEL is funny, gradually upping the ridiculousness as it follows the structure of a really good comedy sketch. Marktanner’s film has more to offer than just laughs though with what I read as an effective critique of modern fatalism. I am happy to report, however, that he has generously given this Asshole one thing to grumble about. Speaking no German, I was forced to watch LABEL with English subtitles which were colour-coded depending on who was speaking. I found the dark red to be difficult to read against the black and white background. Once or twice, I had to pause it to avoid missing a single word. There, I said it.

Overall, LABEL is well worth your time and I am grateful to Jaschar for sharing it with us.

Black Mass

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Jay here. I’ve been MIA for a while and most likely will be for a bit more. Back surgery and its sidekick morphine have indisposed me for writing movie reviews.

Anyway, Black Mass has been kicking around for a while now, generally disappointing folks despite its all-star cast and generous dash of promise. It basically tells the incredible story of James ‘Whitey’ Bulger (Johnny Depp), and how he ran Boston from the underground for years, in part because of a brilliant “alliance” with the FBI. An old childhood friend (Joel Edgerton) has conveniently made a name for himself at the FBI and he convinces his boss (Kevin Bacon) that Bulger will be a useful informant. The information flows both ways though, with Bulger constantly evading investigation, and Bulger divulging details already known to the FBI by other means.

Benedict Cumberbatch plays Bulger’s brother, Billy, a successful state politician. Suspicious? Well nobody at the FBI seems to think so, until there’s a new kid in town, Corey Stoll, who starts asking some incredulous questions, like how on earth has a notorious psychopath and criminal with ties to the IRA never ever been investigated? Why indeed.

So things fall apart for Bulger, although never as spectacularly as they do for everyone around him (including Jesse Plemons, and can we just call him what he is: low-rent Matt Damon), and Rory Cochrane (bloated for this role, it’ll kill your Empire Records fantasies right quick), and Peter Sarsgaard (who once did an SNL skit where he was attending a pirate convention, and all the attendees really relished overpronouncing his name – PetARRRRGGGHHHH SAAAARRRRRRsgAAAAARRRRRRD, and now I am forever doomed to do it myself).

Maybe the biggest problem with this movie is that it crammed too many names under too small a marquee. There just isn’t enough to keep everyone busy, and at the end of the day, this feels like a pretty standard mob movie, with Scorsese wannabe undertones. It fails to distinguish itself. The relief, though, is that Johnny Depp remembers how not to be a cartoon. It’s not any great relief though, since this is Depp’s fourth, FOURTH, time portraying a real-life gangster. Even my dogs have learned the trick by the fourth repetition.

You will not find a bad movie here, just a very tired one, but I guess it allowed a lot of Hollywood types to tick off MOB MOVIE on their SAG Bingo card, and if that’s not a good reason to make a movie, then I don’t know what is.

I Smile Back

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I Smile Back is tough to watch from the start, and it only gets worse. It tells the story of Laney (Sarah Silverman), a housewife struggling with “drugs and daddy issues”, whose primary question of her therapist is, “which do you want to talk about first?” Laney is married with two young children, so her apparent drug and sex addictions are significant problems for a whole number of reasons.

I am by far the least qualified asshole to diagnose Laney, being the only one who’s not a mental health professional. But since Jay’s in a pain and morphine-induced haze right now, and Matt hasn’t seen the movie, you get stuck with me as your tour guide! So here we go.

First, the easy part. Silverman is excellent in the lead role, and is well-deserving of the acclaim she has received so far (nominated for a SAG Award for Best Actress). I found her very believable as a woman who loves her family and truly wants to be part of it despite struggling with all sorts of stuff. That Silverman is so good makes the movie all that more difficult to watch.

Beyond that, it gets much tougher. Because of how difficult the movie is to watch, looking at I Smile Back critically is very hard for me. I did not like watching it but I know I was never supposed to. Nothing that happens in Laney’s life gives us a lot of hope that things are going to get better, and the movie does not end on a happy note (in fact, at the end things are at their very bleakest). Silverman has made us care about Laney by then. I wanted Laney to get better and repair her relationship with her husband Bruce (Josh Charles), so I was hoping for a typical Hollywood ending.

Suffice to say, I did not get a happy ending, and after reflection I think that was the right decision by writers Paige Dylan and Amy Koppelman (the latter of whom wrote the book on which the movie is based). But something still was missing, and after staring at this computer screen for a while, I think I have put my finger on it. In a meta sense, the movie is worthwhile because it gives Silverman the chance to show a whole other dimension to her acting. But within the movie itself, I Smile Back didn’t give me anything meaningful.

The only meaning I can find within the movie is that anyone may be struggling with mental health and it’s not easy to recover even if he or she really wants to. And while that’s something I agree with, it’s something I already felt coming in and the story in I Smile Back really didn’t go beyond that basic notion. Everything in the movie was consistent with that idea but it felt like we were on a fixed path because of it. Looking back, almost all the characters we meet other than Laney are primarily plot devices to give Laney a chance to make another bad decision, and she rarely misses the opportunity. The opportunity that feels missed is on the part of the writers, who rather than fleshing out characters or situations, just keep things moving by giving Laney more chances to do bad things. Because of that, I never felt that seeing these awful things happen onscreen was worth the pain. I never felt any payoff for my discomfort within the movie and I needed there to be something.

Overall, this movie was worth checking out for Silverman’s performance but it’s really not great otherwise. I give it a score of six out of ten.

The Peanuts Movie

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Charles Schulz’ Peanuts is a comic strip that I grew up with. Charlie Brown and his trademark shirt, Lucy and her advice stand, Linus and his blanket, Schroeder and his piano, and Snoopy and his doghouse – these images are forever ingrained. I expect most of you had the same experience, as the Peanuts were everywhere, including lunchboxes, greeting cards, TV specials, pajamas and sheet sets, and everything else possible. Snoopy Sno-Cones, anyone?

Charlie Brown says, “I hope you like red flavour, because otherwise you’re just eating ice cubes!”

The heart of the Peanuts empire was the comic strip, and the love that went into that makes it impossible for me to be too cynical about all the rest of the merchandise that was churned out. Charles Schulz loved these characters and as a result, I loved reading about their little adventures from the day I was old enough to locate the comics in the newspaper index, to the day I moved out of my parents’ house. The Peanuts was a landmark comic strip from start to finish, as Jay wrote about in an excellent piece a few months back.

That was way back on The Peanuts Movie’s opening weekend. It has taken until now for me to get around to watching it, mainly because despite how good it looked visually, I kept hearing that The Peanuts Movie didn’t have the comic strip’s heart. The heart that made the Peanuts so special. And now, having seen The Peanuts Movie for myself, my takeaway was that the Peanuts’ heart stopped beating when when Charles Schulz’s did (RIP).

The Peanuts Movie is not bad. It’s well animated and there’s a basic, tolerable story guiding us through the 80 minute-ish run time. And during those 80 minutes we see and hear lots of things we would expect to find here, like the adults’ trombone voices and the characters’ relationships, like Lucy loving Schroeder and pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. But those are the highlights and it quickly became clear that the best parts of this movie are good mainly because they remind you of the comic strip.

Seeing all these old standbys tied together by a basic plot felt strangely similar to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and my complaint here is the same. Making me nostalgic is neither enough to make me enjoy your movie, nor enough of a reason to have made the movie in the first place. I would have been better off thumbing through a trade paperback of old strips than watching The Peanuts Movie.

So that’s what I would suggest to you: skip The Peanuts Movie and go straight to the source, Schulz’s old comic strips. Because those strips are pure magic while The Peanuts Movie only scores six zig-zag striped shirts out of ten.

The Big Short

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If you were one of the many Ron Burgundy fans who felt let down by Anchorman 2, the movie to blame is finally here. Adam McKay, Head Writer at Saturday Night Live during the late 90s and the director of all the most Will Ferrelly of Will Ferrell movies, was not the obvious choice to adapt such a serious book as The Big Short and reportedly only agreed to write a second Anchorman to sweeten the deal.

The Big Short, which I have not read, was written by Michael Lewis and documents the story of the small group of people who foresaw the collapse of the housing market in 2007 and took a giant gamble by betting against the banks. Now, I’ve seen Inside Job, 2010’s Oscar-winning documentary about the financial crisis and I’ve seen Wolf of Wall Street but still manage to get my dividends and my CDIs mixed up. With Inside Job going so far over my head, I couldn’t help but wonder how a writer best known for “Go fuck yourself, San Diego” would handle such potentially confusing material.

It turns out that McKay is the right guy to make a financial crisis movie for someone as financially illiterate as I am. He consistently finds creative ways to pause to explain the trickier concepts, often by breaking the fourth wall with outrageous celebrity cameos of which I wouldn’t dare spoil the surprise. There are enough jokes, often poking fun at the conventions of movies that are “based on a true story”, to hold our attention better than Inside Out or Wolf or Wall Street could hope to without ever abandoning the appropriate level of outrage at how so much greed could cause so much suffering.

How Hollywood could make a movie- a comedy no less- from Lewis’ book wasn’t the only reason to be curious about McKay’s film. It also boasts one of 2015’s most intriguing casts. Brad Pitt, one of The Big Short’s producers, has the smallest role of the four names above the title but stands out for his uncharacteristicallyy understated performance. I didn’t even recognize him in the preview. (I thought he was Peter Dinklage). I couldn’t help noticing though that casting himself as the one guy who gets that “this is just not right” is becoming a bit of a self-serving habit of his. (See: 12 Years a Slave). Ryan Gosling, last seen in 2013’s Only God Forgives, makes his triumphant return to the big screen. As Jared Vennett, he channels all the handsome-and-he-knows-it smugness that we saw in Crazy Stupid Love and The Ides of March. Come to think of it, he’s versatile enough to have played pretty much any of the major characters so his talents may have been better served with a better part but he plays it well and has some really funny lines.

Christian Bale and Steve Carrell- believe it or not- are competing for the Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical Golden Globe. Bale plays Michael Burry, the brilliant hedge fund manager with Asperger’s who loves to air drum. He’s good but has been better. He plays the eccentric genius a little like he did the eccentric in American Hustle but he has some strong scenes, especially when he starts to let his humility show towards the end. It’s Carrell, though, who steals the show. With the other characters so impressed with their own coolnees or brilliance and so focused on how much money they’re going to make if their gamble pays off, Carrell brings the humanity. He plays money manager Mark Baum, based on Steve Eisman. He’s had it out for the banks ever since his brother lost all his money and jumped off the roof of a highrise. (I’m not sure if that happened to Eisman or not). His shock and anger is palpable in every scene. Because he’s played by Steve Carrell, he’s still funny. But McKay counts on him to remind us that, while laughing at the stupidity and recklessness of Wall Street can be a lot of fun, a lot of real people got hurt.

I’ll be cheering for him on Sunday.

Joy

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Joy is joyless. There is nothing entertaining about watching Joy and her family of unsympathetic characters make bad decisions. And even when Joy eventually triumphs, it’s not fulfilling in the least because by then you are tired of her.

Apparently this is all based on a real person, Joy Mangano. According to Wikipedia, the real Joy is a big deal on the Home Shopping Network and invented the mop in this movie along with a bunch of other stuff. The real Joy is now a multimillionaire and an executive producer of Joy the movie. I didn’t know of her beforehand and in hindsight I would rather have kept it that way. I did not find Joy’s story interesting and it’s certainly not entertaining. The only way I can rationalize this movie’s existence is as an ego trip for the real Joy.

So naturally, I am surprised this is nominated for a Golden Globe in the Musical or Comedy category for two reasons. First, it’s not a good movie. Second, it’s not funny at all. I didn’t laugh once.

I’m surprised as well that Jennifer Lawrence is nominated for best actress. I don’t think she gives a bad performance but there’s nothing here worthy of recognition. Joy needed to be a sympathetic character in order for this movie to work, but she’s not. There’s nothing Lawrence could have done to change that, it’s an inherent flaw of the underlying character. You don’t feel sorry for Joy because she’s letting her family (and ex-family) take advantage of her, so of course her life is shitty. She keeps letting that happen over and over, and I quickly stopped caring whether she would have a happy ending. All I wanted after about 20 minutes was for the movie to end.

But because of those Golden Globe nominations, I stuck with it. I felt obligated and I figured Joy must turn around sometime. Well, it doesn’t. Joy is a chore all the way through, which is ironic considering Joy is a movie based around a cleaning product. I give Joy a score of four Miracle Mops out of ten.

Jay’s Top Cinematic Moments of 2015

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This is not a list of my favourite movies, this is a list of the happy times I’ve spent going to the movies with friends, families, and sometimes even celebrities. I’m keeping this to a top 15 for 2015 but I’m feeling awfully chuffed that the list could have been much longer.

(In chronological order)

Selma: Technically a 2014 movie, I didn’t see it until very early in 2015, at an advance screening here in Ottawa. Some of you will comment that you “no longer go to the cinema” and that’s cool if it floats your boat, but this is why I DO go to the cinema: because there is something powerful about witnessing something together. And movies are meant to be enjoyed as a group. The reason we started this site was because we often enjoy talking about movies more than we enjoy seeing them, but in this case, Selma brought down the house. 300 of us held our breath in the same spots, let out sighs of relief in the same spots, wept in the same spots, burst into applause in the same spots, and filed out red-eyed, and maybe a little changed. Damn. That’s good film.

Mr. Turner: Again, technically a ’14, Matt and I took this one in at the Bytowne in anticipation of Oscar season, and only our dedication to seeing all the nominated films could have induced us to sit through this snooze-fest. It was a chore. But we watched it at the Bytowne, our beloved “art house” cinema, the one that plays all the cool movies, where seniors go to take their afternoon naps, and the best popcorn is popped. We watched it with an additional soundtrack of old, confused people coaching each other through it, and we were delighted to catch up with Sean afterward (for some very yummy thai, if memory serves) to tell him all about it.

Paris & The Oscars: Our little group of friends gets a modicum less friendly around Oscar season. We get competitive! We’ve had a pool going in one form or another for as long as we’ve known each other, we’ve dressed up, dressed down, sipped specialty cocktails, feasted on miniature cakes, even refused to evacuate for a smoke alarm (not recommended) all in the name of taking money from each other. There’s just one little catch: the Oscars love to schedule their ceremony to conflict with our anniversary (mine & Sean’s), and usually we travel for our anniversary. This year was no different – we were in Paris for 10 days, stopped in at Amelie‘s favourite cafe, posed under the Inception bridge, saw the apartment from Last Tango In Paris, and it was all quite lovely, but it meant we were only getting home the day of the Awards. We were exhausted and scheduled to work the next morning, but did we still make an appearance at the Oscar party? You bet we did – with wines and macarons for everyone. (And I collected my money the next day when I inevitably won the pool again – undefeated, yo!)

Live Action Fairy Tales: We did all see Cinderella together, come to think of it, but this is not about Cinderella. This is about a weekend where Matt, Sean and I all got trashed in our basement prepping for Wandering Through The Shelves’ weekly challenge. We watched some real doozies and laughed our asses off. Did you know Reese Witherspoon once did a vulgar Red Riding Hood adaptation? It doesn’t have to be a good movie to be a good movie moment.

VIPs: We were among the very first through the doors when the VIP cineplex opened at Lansdowne this year, and we’ve been reclining and getting our drink on ever since. In fact, we’ve seen some of least favourite movies of the year at twice the going rate just so we could match our martinis to our movies (Matt waited 6 whole months to try the 007!).

Mad Max: Fury Road: Did it help that I had been drinking alcohol out of a boot in the hours before? Couldn’t have hurt! But not only did I love this movie, I loved that we got to see it en masse: Matt, Sean, and I were accompanied by my baby sister, who was blessing us with a rare visit from out of town, and we met up with recovering Asshole Luc and his lovely wife Mel, who we’d barely seen since they’d had a baby only a few months prior. And then we all sat through this high-octane, punch-in-the-nuts movie and left the theatre with silly, stunned looks on our faces (where we encountered MORE friends – hi Saif!). Some of us had to go for additional drinks just to decompress. Phew!

Hollywood: Matt, Sean & I travelled together a lot this year, more than usual anyway. This summer we went down to California, which you may know, is where movies come from! We followed the Walk of Fame, visited Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, and toured Universal Studios where we met Transformers, pet a dinosaur from Jurassic World, got an overly familiar pat from Doc from Back To The Future, got chomped at by Jaws, were turned into Minions, became involved in a high-speed chase with Vin Diesel, and drank Duff beer right in Springfield! Vacation high!

TIFF: Once fall started to roll in though we were all about the Toronto International Film Festival where we saw tonnes of great movies sitting alongside their famous stars, but two are standouts for me: 1) Seeing Room. Because it was #1 on my list, but I failed to get tickets. But then due to the magic of litigious producers, one movie got pulled, there was an opening in the schedule, and poof: a surprise additional screening for Room! Only catch? I was about 500km away. But my amazing husband threw me in the car and we raced to Toronto and won the day! 2) Seeing Christopher Walken. The movie he was in was a little forgettable but it’s goddamned Christopher Walken, and he was just so Christopher Walkeny!

NHFF: Only a couple of weeks later, Sean and I hit up the New Hampshire Film Festival, hereby known as our favourite film festival, where I saw lots of great stuff but will take the opportunity to rave again about one of my favourite films this year: Chicken. The guys who made it were so young and bashful but their execution was excellent and it got me right in the feels!

Horror FX: For Matt’s birthday, we celebrated by getting mauled by a bear, Revenant style. Well, okay, not really. But we sure looked like we did. We met and interviewed a makeup effects artist who taught us the ins and outs of her craft, and our faces were her canvas.

Dan Aykroyd: And then the next weekend we were off to meet Dan Aykroyd and drink his delicious crystal skull vodka. He pulled up to the St. Lawrence International Film Festival opening gala in an actual Bluesmobile where he introduced an anniversary screening of Blues Brothers and then later took to the stage to play some tunes. Life goal!

Spectre: This movie bored me silly but the epic he said–she said fight that ensued right here at Assholes Watching Movies made it all worthwhile. The best part? That so many of you joined in! 2015 has been kind to us in many ways, but I really value having made so many connections through this site, and from visiting yours. We love every single comment, we slurp them right up, and we love love love when you become part of the fracas!

WFF: Ah, Whistler. A bit of a dud as a film festival, but a super beautiful place to visit. And I got to see the North American premiere of The Legend of Barney Thomson introduced by star and director Robert Carlyle, which rocked my socks. Emma Thompson is UPROARIOUS and the night was one I’ll never forget, what with the idyllic mountainside snowfall.

The Year of the Franchise: Now, you have probably heard that I LOATHE franchises for the most part, and 2015 was particularly hard on me. But Sean took absolutely no pity, and managed to drag me to every. stupid. thing. Including, but not limited to: Terminator whatever it was, Star Wars Something Something, and The New Rocky – these 3 especially notable because they were all my first entries into their respective series. And so I beg of you, 2016: SOME NEW MATERIAL PLEASE!

Happy new year friends, and here’s to lots of happy memories, cinematic and not.