Giselle is a typical Disney princess who lives in a tree and has bird and chipmunk friends who sing with her and help her sew a wedding dress so she can marry her prince. But Disney movies always have an evil Queen – in this case, Narissa, who interrupts Giselle on her way to marry prince Edward and instead shoves her down a magical well which turns cartoon Giselle into live-action Amy Adams, and spits her out in Times Square.
Live-action Giselle is still fairly blessed – sure her tiara is stolen by a homeless man, but ultimately a gentlemanly lawyer, Robert (Patrick Dempsey), takes her in and gives her his couch despite her being a crazy woman in a poufy-sleeved wedding dress claiming to be a princess. And her magic hasn’t deserted her completely: when she leans out Robert’s apartment window to summon some animal friends to help her tidy up, they still respond. But it’s New York City, so the respondents are rats and pigeons. Oh, and cockroaches. Which are ostensibly worse than the dust, but Giselle seems not to notice as she prances about singing her happy songs.
Giselle proves to be quite a disruption to Robert’s life – especially when it comes to his intended (Idina Menzel) and his young daughter Morgan. Luckily her prince charming is so devoted that he throws himself down the same magical well in pursuit and goes through the same cartoon-to-human transformation (James Marsden). Queen Narissa sends her bumbling sidekick Nathaniel (Timothy Spall) down after him.
The film has some wonderful casting, other than Patrick Dempsey who could have been replaced by almost anyone and don’t I wish that he was. James Marsden is wonderfully game to play a toothsome prince. Idina Menzel, Broadway star and future voice of Frozen’s Elsa, is the only lead in the film NOT to sing. But this movie belongs to Amy Adams. I don’t think anyone else could play Giselle. She’s wide-eyed and naive and full of love bubbles, but it never looks ridiculous on her.
Enchanted is, if nothing else, a love letter to all things Disney. The film and the script are bursting with references to Disney films future, past and present. Sean has never seen this movie before (and in truth seems to be sending a larger than usual amount of work emails during it), and I’m trying my best not to shout them all out as I see them:
Jodi Benson, voice of Ariel herself, plays Robert’s secretary
Narissa tires to poison Giselle with an apple, just like in Snow White
Giselle and Robert eat at an Italian restaurant reminiscent of Lady & the Tramp
The apartment elevator looks like the Tower of Terror in Disney parks
Giselle takes off her heels and leaves one behind, like in Cinderella
The old man dancers in Central Park are chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins (not to mention Julie Andrews narrates the film)
We often hear pieces of classic Disney theme songs
Narissa turns into a dragon, like in Sleeping Beauty
Judy Kuhn, voice of Pocahontas, appears as a neighbour answering her door
I could go on and on – director Kevin Lima assures us there are “thousands” of little Easter eggs that an astute Disney fan might notice. That’s why this movie is the perfect way to celebrate our own trip to the happiest place on Earth, Walt Disney World. My own love letter involves eating a poison apple cupcake on Main Street and visiting Ariel at her grotto and letting Sean (making Sean?) nudge a meatball over my way, and wearing my own Mary Poppins dress. We have an ambitious schedule and 10 days to fit everything in, so do play along on Twitter (@AssholeMovies) to see what we’re up to right now – 10 points if I’m standing next to a castle.
I think this list will vary wildly depending on when you were born and what Disney movies were most precious to you as a kid – the ones that get you in childhood are destined to hold the greatest impact. Also, though Disney now owns both Marvel and Star Wars, both of which are of course replete with the baddest of the baddies, I’m sticking to Disney-Pixar here for simplicity’s sake.
10. Man/The Hunter, Bambi. I still remember being flooded with shame when we find out that our friend’s greatest enemy is humans. Humans! I myself was a tiny human, quaking with guilt by association. He is faceless, unnamed, unknown, and yet his presence is vile and antagonistic, instilling liquid fear into all the beating hearts in the forest. Their panic was contagious and though we see only his shadow, the score identifies him quite clearly as predator. And as if killing Bambi’s mother wasn’t enough, he also sets fire to their home, forcing all the animals to flee. It’s an awful legacy to inherit as a child and clearly I’m still not over it.
9. Lady Tremaine, Cinderella. I think the scariest thing as a kid is learning that your parents could die, and Disney liked to press the orphan button more than most. With her mother already dead, Cinderella’s kind but useless father remarries a bitter woman rather than take on being a single dad. Lady Tremaine, the archetype for wicked stepmothers, is the worst kind of villain: the kind who lives right in your house! When Cinderella’s father also dies, there’s nothing left to stop her from treating Cinderella like the help. Worse than the help, really, because she isn’t even paid. She’s abused and neglected in her own home, threatened continuously with homelessness. Lady Tremaine goes out of her way to make sure Cinderella knows she isn’t loved or cared for, and her stepsisters only reinforce these points, both by comparison, and by their own poor behaviour. As children we have very acute sense of justice, particularly when it comes to siblings, and to see Cinderella treated like a second class citizen is unnerving. But to understand that your mom and your dad could die, leaving you with a hateful old woman? That doesn’t bear contemplation.
8. Governor Ratcliffe, Pocahontas. Ratcliffe is based on a real historical figure, but he’s also just colonialism personified. He’s greedy, manipulative, and power-hungry, but worst of all, he’s crippled by xenophobia. He’s not going to just take the Indians’ gold, he’s going to take their land and their lives as well. And he feels entitled! They’re not even people to him, they’re just obstacles to his success and he has no moral qualms whatsoever about mowing them down to get what he wants. Like Judge Claude Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, what makes these men truly fightening is how much they believe themselves to be in the right. Their moral authority and superiority make them impossible to argue with, and their outlook allows them to reclassify people as sub-human when convenient, a truly terrifying concept, and not just for children.
7. Lotso, Toy Story 3. A big, pink, strawberry-scented teddy bear, Lots-o’-Huggin Bear is the surprising villain of Toy Story 3, running the Sunnyside Daycare like a prison – as one toy describes him to our pal Woody, “The guy may seem plush and huggable on the outside. But inside, he’s a monster.” There are two things that make Lotso a truly memorable villain as far as I’m concerned. First, that he starts off friendly and welcoming. A devil in disguise, he’s the most horrifying kind of bad guy, the kind on the news, the kind your mother warns you about, the ones you can’t spot with the naked eye. Most other Disney villains wear black and dark purple and blood red. They have sharp features and mean eyes and you know what’s what. So when his true self is revealed – a sadistic dictator fueled by rage – it’s a truly terrifying transformation. But what really sets him apart in my opinion is his back story. We know very little about the previous villains on this list – the dark spots in their hearts, their motivations, the root of their malevolence. But with Lotso, we know. We know he was once the beloved toy of a little girl named Daisy. And one day he was lost – through no fault or lack of affection on Daisy’s part, but Lotso took it hard. Still, devoted to his kid he somehow makes it back to her home where he finds that he’s been replaced by a brand new Lotso. Something inside of Lotso is broken in that moment, and his anger and bitterness breed evil. It’s brilliant story-telling, and you might even draw parallels with the new Joker movie, but at the end of the day, Lotso is a complex villain stuffed with nihilism.
6. Jafar, Aladdin. Jafar looks like a proper villain. He has a proper villain sidekick and proper villain goals and a delicious theatricality. He wants money and power. He’s willing to sacrifice a street urchin to get them. As the sultan’s “most loyal and trusted” vizier, his deviousness and duplicity are legendary. He too presents one face to the royal court while another is revealed in his underground lair. He’s manipulative, employing hypnotic powers to keep the sultan under his control. And while murder and greedily wanting world domination are of course very bad in and of themselves, I didn’t fully appreciate Jafar’s nefarious depths until I watched Aladdin as an adult and noticed the particularly troubling relationship with Jasmine. Who, let’s remember is a 15 year old girl. And whom he schemes to marry to gain status, and when that fails him, he literally has her in manacles, and treats her like a sex slave. It’s disturbing.
5. Captain Hook, Peter Pan. This is one case where the villain may outshine the hero in his own movie. Though a bloodthirsty pirate, Hook has abandoned the high seas to devote himself (and his ship) to being the scourge of Neverland and exacting revenge on Peter Pan. Peter may just be a boy, but he once cut off Hook’s hand and fed it to a crocodile. Fantastically, that crocodile haunts Hook, following him around with the awful threat of his tick-tock-tick-tock. I like to believe that the croc has simply got a taste for human flesh and wants more of where the hand came from. Sure he’s up for slaughtering children; he’ll even murder members of his own crew. But his temper leaves him vulnerable and his single-minded revenge is often his undoing. Plus that damn crocodile – that strange reptilian relationship alone is the source of almost comedic relief, a rarity for Disney’s villains. Thus, Hook is nearly a sympathetic figure, destined to be forever thwarted, forever chased by his own hand, haunted by the memory of his own amputation.
4. Cruella De Vil, 101 Dalmatians. Cruella is an interesting villain because she doesn’t have any powers or magic lofty ambitions. She’s a spoiled heiress who simply insists on having everything she wants, even if it means stealing the last 15 puppies for a dalmatian coat she’s been dying to add to her already stuffed fur closet. She is reckless and impetuous and eventually driven into a mad, frothing fury due to her own relentless pursuit of said dogs. She’s an attention whore, rude to others, thoughtless when it comes to anyone else. She’s among the more stylish of the Disney villains, and considering we’ve got be-feathered Hook and heavily-accessorized Jafar on this list already, that’s saying something. She’s got signature half-black, half-white hair, green-coated eyelids, and red opera-length gloves. She’s almost always got a cigarette holder in one hand, leaving behind a trail of vile smoke. Her current coat (mink, I believe) is larger than life while her own frame is skeletal. She’s a lot of fun and became even more dynamic when played by Glenn Close in a live-action remake (and she will be again when Emma Stone reprises the role in a movie devoted to the villainess).
3. Gaston, Beauty and The Beast. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s not my #1. He’s boastful and vain – he’s the Kanye West of Disney villains. I admit this: I am a little bit (lotta bit) attracted to arrogance. The incel vibes are a total turn off though, and Gaston has that in spades. He’s an excellent gambler, an excellent shot, and roughly the size of a barge. So he’s baffled to be rejected for the first time in his life, by the town’s beauty, Belle. And once he’s set his sights on her, he can’t possibly settle for anyone whose affections are reciprocal. Now, when Gaston, who is already a huge jerk, finds out that the woman who spurned him is falling for a beast, that just blows his gasket and he is filled with a murderous rage, a rage so visceral he immediately forms a mob with actual pitchforks and storms a goddamned castle.
2. Scar, The Lion King. I’m not sure that Scar is my #2, but in a recent Twitter poll, he was almost universally voted #1. Markus volunteered “Scar is smart, conniving, and has an amazing voice. Gaston is just a douchey beefcake.” Wait – douchey beefcake – is THAT my type? Anyway, if you like Jafar’s penchant for theatrics, you’re gonna love Scar. Had he studied theatre and moved to NYC, his destiny would have been much different. But alas, he languished in the jungle with only hyenas for an audience, and they don’t applaud well on account of their paws. Scar is the Claudius to Mufasa’s King Hamlet, and if fratricide isn’t terrible enough for you, he pins it on an innocent little cub and then orders his murder too. And it’s not even like Scar was suffering – he had a cushy royal life. He could have been living it up like Prince Harry with all the perks and none of the responsibility. But no. Murder. BUT he does have a truly excellent musical number.
1. Ursula, The Little Mermaid. I have serious #UrsulaGoals. I want to be her when I grow up: commanding, stylish, large and in charge. Perhaps just a tad less soul-sucky. Ursula is actually based on a drag queen named Devine. Her shock of white hair, blood red lips, even a bold blue eye – this witch has been to Sephora and you know she’d kill it on Instagram if she could access it underwater. She’s conniving and manipulative, with a sadistic streak as thick as her lipgloss. Disney may not be ready to give us a thicc princess, but Ursula is unapologetically curvy, rocking a body-conscious, cleavage-baring, backless dress and vamping at every opportunity. I’m not an opportunistic cannibal (at least not yet), but otherwise, Ursula is pure inspiration from Disney’s dark side.
If you’ve been to Disney in Anaheim, Orlando, Hong Kong, or Tokyo, then you’re familiar with a staple of the parks, a ride called Jungle Cruise. The premise is that you’re at a 1930s British explorer’s lodge and you’re taken on a voyage on a tramp steamer down a river (which river? depends on the day – but let’s say it simulates the biggies from Asia, Africa and South America).
The boat is driven by a Disney cast member by a number of scenes involving animatronic jungle animals. The cast member keeps up a patter I can only describe as dad jokes, with apologies to dads. The jokes are cheesy as heck, and scripted of course, but the cast members usually manage to tell them in a way that makes it feel fairly fresh even though for them it’s canned and on a continuous loop all day long. Disney really expects a lot from their employees! There seems to be a fairly large pool of jokes, or the script is getting refreshed fairly often, because I bet if you took two tours back to back, you’d get two different experiences. Jungle Cruise isn’t exciting or eye-catching or new or thrilling, but it still feels like an essential ride, a classic. The last time I was there, I was with my 5 year old nephew Jack. After “driving” the boat near a waterfall and back, the cast member said something like “Show of hands – is anyone missing?” and little Jack, not usually one to volunteer, raised his little hand. So at least one joke went over his head, but he and his brother still enjoyed their ride, though unsurprisingly it was their DAD who laughed the most. Dad jokes!
The attraction has some exotic imported plants but to keep on budget, it’s also got local plants that you might not recognize: orange trees, for example, a Florida staple, are planted upside down, coaxing vines to grow from the exposed roots. The water is tinted a dark green to keep up the illusion – otherwise, the fact that it’s only about 5 feet deep, and the boat is on a track might give away some of the magic. A sister restaurant, The Skipper Canteen, keeps the story and theming going. You might dine in any of the restaurant’s 3 “curiously quirky” (Disney’s words) rooms: the crew’s colonial-era Mess Hall; the Jungle Room, styled after Dr. Albert Falls’ actual family parlor; and the S.E.A. Room – a secret meeting place for the Society of Explorers and Adventurers, with plenty of little easter eggs for you to find and enjoy. The menu boasts “exotic flavor” for “wild appetites;” you might start with a Lost & Found soup, the Chef’s Seasonal Soup prepared with the freshest unclaimed cargo! Please ask your Skipper for today’s selection, followed by Sustainable Fish (“not Piranha”), and perhaps ending with some Quick Sand – jasmine rice pudding, mango sauce, lemon curd, hibiscus meringue, and pineapple.
I can promise you that Jungle Cruise will be a for-sure stop on our Disney adventure and if you check our Twitter feed (@AssholeMovies) you might find us there now. It’s a great time to go, not just because at this time of year it gets a holiday overlay becoming the “Jingle Cruise,” but because Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt will soon be starring in a live-action movie based on the ride. And yes, if you watch the trailer, I do believe you’ll hear at least one dad joke from The Rock.
The pair seem to have become quite good chums on the set, and they’ve even visited Disney World together, with Johnson jumping aboard an actual Jungle Cruise ride, taking over skipper duties and delivering I’m sure a very memorable string of dad jokes to a boatful of surprised holiday-makers. What can I say: Disney is magic.
Chicken Little has been shunned in his community ever since, you know, that incident. The one where he said the sky was falling but it wasn’t? Yeah, majorly embarrassing – they even made a movie about it, seemingly just to rub it in. Plus he’s bullied at school and things have been totally strained between him and his dad.
Chicken Little’s dad, Buck Cluck, was a very popular jock back in his day and he hardly knows how to cope with such a puny, disappointing son. Chicken Little (Zach Braff) decides the best way to win over his dad (Garry Marshall) is through sports, so he joins the baseball team and against all odds scores a game-winning run. Don’t worry, he doesn’t let it go to his head (yeah right). But you know what does go straight to his head? Another piece of the sky, which promptly falls on him. Chicken Little’s a little wiser this time – he knows sounding the alarm bells will only spell more mortification for him, so he keeps it to himself and a few trusted friends, namely Runt of the Litter (Steve Zahn) and Abby Mallard (Joan Cusack) (aka Ugly Duckling) (Abby Mallard, that is, not Joan Cusack; Cusack is a wonder and a delight, but I don’t think it should be used for poor Abby either). Turns out, Chicken Little ISN’T crazy, but nor is the sky falling. In fact, it’s pieces of wonky spaceship he keeps getting pelted with, and the whole thing boils down to: ALIEN INVASION!!!!
Truth is, I forgot about Chicken Little, which came out back in 2005, and I definitely forget to classify it as a Disney film, which it is. It came out just a year before Disney officially merged with Pixar, so it’s a weird hybrid where the animation is definitely trying to look more like Pixar but it lacks Pixar’s edge, their detailed world-building, their boundary-breaking story-telling. It’s only Disney’s second completely computer-generated animated film (after 2000’s Dinosaur) so it makes sense that they haven’t found a signature style yet.
Anyway, I was reminded about Chicken Little being a thing when I visited Disney World back in February because Chicken Little himself was just walking about the park as if he had nowhere better to be. His friend Abby Mallard was with him, and they both stopped to sign autographs for my 4 year old nephew who was delighted despite not knowing who the heck they were. Abby was in such a good mood that she grabbed my hand and started skipping down Main Street with me, toward Cinderella’s Castle. And that’s what you have to love about Disney. Those characters were unannounced, unscheduled extras. They were walking around making the day extra special for several kids, and several more kids at heart.
Are you sick of hearing that Matt, Sean and I are in Disney World for 10 days straight? Well tough patooties, that’s exactly where we are. Disney World has a Fast Pass program where 30 days before your trip, you wake up at 7am every day for 10 days straight to find out that all the rides you want to go on are already off-sale as far as Fast Passes go (stay on Disney property and you get a 60 day head start) and you’ll have to brave the long, long lines if you want to ride. The new Star Wars ride, Smuggler’s Run, in Galaxy’s Edge is so highly anticipated there aren’t any Fast Passes for it at all. If you want it bad enough you’ll wait the 120-240 minutes, and you’ll do it happily. Animal Kingdom’s Pandora also sees very high wait times, with its Flight of Passage ride (where you ride a banshee) that’s never under a 90 minute wait, and has been as high as 4 hours (with people still joining the line) – those Fast Passes are nearly impossible, even 18 months after its opening. And over in Toy Story Land at Hollywood Studios, the Slinky Dog Dash roller coaster is another impossible Fast Pass 16 months later. But these rides are all relatively new, and they’re attached to relatively new Disney franchises. Peter Pan’s Flight, however, has continued to delight crowds and attract long lines at Magic Kingdom since the ride opened in 1971 (based on a movie from 1953!); over in Disney Land, it is one of the few original attractions operating since opening day in 1955. It’s a rail-suspended dark ride intended to make you feel as if you are soaring over scenes from the movie, not unlike Pan himself, although we take a pixie-dusted pirate ship. Even the queue has an impressive level of detail, which makes that wait time just a little more palatable.
The movie, of course, is an enduring classic, though I confess I was pretty much there just for the dog, Nana. It’s about the Darling siblings – Michael and John love to listen to elder sister Wendy’s stories about Peter Pan, and act them out, sometime rather boisterously, annoying their father. But one lucky, magical night, they are visited by the boy legend himself, who brings along his friend Tink. A liberal application of pixie dust and the Darling children learn to fly, and they do so all the way to Never Land. John and Michael take off on an adventure with the Lost Boys and Wendy spends time with Peter, driving Tinker Bell a little mad with jealousy. Ultimately, though, they all end up in the same place: as captives on Captain Hook’s pirate ship.
It’s an interesting story about childhood and imagination with a very complex protagonist. Peter Pan is cold, and a little unlikable. He’s jealous and controlling and he tends to want what’s best for himself. J.M. Barrie originally wrote him as a young sociopath, so I guess Disney’s not so far off the mark. But that means that other characters tend to overshadow him in his own story. Captain Hook, for one, a dashing villain flamboyant in dress. He was once a very serious and successful pirate but after being somehow bested by a boy (okay, a boy who can fly – I suppose that’s an advantage at any age), he lost his hand and forged a new identity (though I do wonder what his name was before it was Hook, which is surely a nickname for it is far too great a coincidence). Hook is obsessed with revenge and has left the pirating life in order to chase his obsession – and all the crew on his boat goes along with this with surprising devotion considering he kills them routinely merely for being annoying. But for all the blackness in his heart, Hook is also plagued by the crocodile who ate his hand. That croc’s got a taste for him and won’t relent, following him everywhere, tormenting him with his tick-tock-tick-tock. Captain Hook is unraveling psychologically but still manages to plant bombs and kidnap children while maintaining a very effective plank.
I’d also argue that Tinker Bell herself outshines Peter, an impressive feat considering she doesn’t even talk. For all her cuteness, she’s not overly nice, at least not at first. She’s mean and she’s jealous and she’s hot-headed. Only when she and Peter go through some shit together does she have a change of heart. But let’s not forget that she does try to have Wendy STONED. To death! But today Tinker Bell is her own pixie, transcending the movie which made her famous to become the unofficial mascot of the Disney company. She stars in her own movies, she has a 5.5″ waxwork figure at Madame Tussauds, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She’s also the highlight of Magic Kingdom’s fireworks show – check it out, a real person actually ziplines flies down from the castle every single night, showing her cute little green underpants to the roughly 20K people gathered down below.
A woman named Tiny Kline did the stunt first, at Disneyland in 1961. She was 4’10, weighed 98 pounds and was 71 years old. Yes, you read that right. Today Tinker Bell must still be under 5 feet tall, and weigh no more than 105 pounds, but her age, I suspect, is rather younger. After all, form Cinderella’s Castle in Magic Kingdom, before her flight even starts she’ll have to climb stairs and a ladder 189 feet up and then crawl out a window that’s only 4 feet tall. On her cue, a tech person literally shoves her out the window, and depending on how hard the push is, and what the wind is doing, she flies anywhere from 20-35 mph. It takes 30 seconds for her to reach her destination, where 2 tech people literally catch her with a net. BUT, sometimes the wind is going in the opposite direction, which is a bummer. In that case, Tinker Bell gets stuck somewhere along the line. Protocol is: she first turns off the batteries that keep her illuminated so the guests can’t see her. Then she’ll have to pull herself hand over fist the rest of the way down. Once she reaches the tech guys, she throws them a rope and they pull her down. It’s a lot of work for 30 seconds worth of magic, but that’s what makes Disney so special, and it’s why the fireworks show never fails to make me cry AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE FIREWORKS.
If you check out our Twitter feed (@AssholeMovies) you might just catch me in my Tinker Bell dress eating a Peter Pan float or a Tinker Bell cone while we wait to take our flight.
Haha, just kidding. Ryan Gosling is a fine actor but he’s SO not my type. But you know who is? His wifey, Eva Mendes.
Technically I don’t think they’re married but they do share two daughters, Esmeralda and Amada.
She is smart, she is sexy, and she’s shrewd about her sexuality. She has more or less stepped away from acting for the time being but she’s as busy as ever being a mother and businesswoman.
At Walt Disney World, Cinderella’s pumpkin coach is pulled by 6 white ponies. You could take a ride in the carriage yourself if you were quite wealthy and, for example, getting married on property.
Walt always knew he’d want real horses to be part of his park, so long before he built Disney World in Florida, he built a ranch where horses could live and train for their big moment in the spotlight. The Tri-Circle-D Ranch is still an integral part of Disney World, and today it is incorporated into the Fort Wilderness Resort.
A man named Owen Pope made the first harnesses for Walt Disney World horses when he was living and working in Disneyland. Owen and his wife Dolly were horse trainers; Walt caught their show and, enamored, immediately hired them to work for Disney. They moved into Disneyland where they built 10 stalls for horses and gave a home to the dog who was the live-action model for the Tramp, as in Lady and The. But in 1971 they moved to Florida to supervise the construction of the ranch where today 80-90 horses reside. Thirty of those are draft horses, big mothers that can be 72 inches tall and weigh 2000 lbs each. Horses selected to work in the park go through a very rigorous hiring process, monitored for how they interact with people, activity, and noise. Draft horses are used to pull a trolley up Main Street, a tradition leftover from Walt’s day, though one only observed in the mornings when it’s quieter. The chrome and brass on the show harness for the trolley horse is cleaned and polished every day it is used.
Owen’s legacy is honoured in Magic Kingdom with a window on the Car Barn proclaiming “Owen Pope, Harness Maker” – in fact, many of the second floor windows on Main Street honour import contributors to Disney World, so don’t forget to look up when you visit.
But back to Cinderella’s ponies, who also reside over at Tri-Circle-D Ranch. This year the first ever white Shetland pony was born at the ranch, a sweet little girl named Lilly (named after Walt Disney’s wife). Her mother, Lady, and her father, Ferdinand, are currently part of the team who pull Cinderella in her pumpkin coach at Magic Kingdom Park. When Lilly is two, she’ll start training to do the same and could make the team after about a year. For now, you can visit Lilly at the show pasture near the barn. The ranch also has horseback riding, pony rides (for little kids as ponies only grow to be about 500lbs), wagon rides, holiday sleigh rides, horse-drawn carriage rides, the works. You can even catch a glimpse of Khan, a Thoroughbred-Percheron big black horse named after a character in Mulan but who actually gets ridden by the Headless Horseman in Mickey’s Halloween parade. Most days you can take a tour of the barn and on Thursdays the farrier drops by to work his magic.
A team of 35 ranch hands care for the horses who live on Disney property, and they also run an adoption agency of sorts. When a Walt Disney World horse retires, you can apply to adopt it, but be prepared to be heavily vetted. Disney is very careful about where its horses go and want to make sure you can care for the horse properly; they will take the horse back if it’s not well-treated. Despite this, there’s a lengthy waiting list to get a Disney horse, but don’t you want to be able to boast that your horse once trotted around Magic Kingdom to the delight of literally thousands every single day? You can’t buy that kind of sparkle – but you CAN adopt it.
Getting close on your Disney Bingo card? Be sure to play along:
Blue milk first appeared in Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope, the first installment in the original trilogy. Luke drinks it during a meal in his home on the moisture farm on Tatooine, no big deal. Not even a hint of blue mustache, unfortunately.
According to Star Wars Fandom, blue milk, also known as Bantha milk, is also used in ice cream, butter, yogurt, and of course in blue milk custard. It is widely available on Outer Rim planets such as Tatooine, Lothal, and Lah’mu.
Mark Hamill was not a fan of its taste: “Oily and sweet and euch! Triggered your gag reflex. But I said, ‘Look – if they gave me blue milk, you bet I’m going to drink it on camera, because what other chance am I going to get?’ So there’s an indication that I’m an underrated actor – I gulped it and acted like I liked it without vomiting.” Bravo!
Green milk made an appearance in a much later film, The Last Jedi (though it wasn’t the milk that killed him…or was it?). Green milk comes from thala-sirens, which we know because we literally see him milking one’s teat and drinking it down thirstily on the spot. The good news is it must have tasted slightly better this time around; according to Hamill, the green milk was coconut milk that was colour graded in post production.
You may have heard that Disney World (and Disney Land) have very recently opened up Star Wars wings in their theme parks called Galaxy’s Edge. Inside, you will find a milk bar, serving both blue and green milk, and you know the first thought through my head was “I’m making Sean drink that!” If you’re reading this around the time it was posted, now would be a good time to head over to our Twitter feed (@AssholeMovies) to see this thing go down live.
Actually, there’s little to fear from Disney’s blue milk, other than the price. Neither comes from any earthly animal, but instead have somehow been extracted from the tiny tits of coconuts and rice. Blue milk tastes of dragonfruit, pineapple, watermelon, and lime while green milk tastes like orange, passionfruit, orange blossom, and grapefruit and they’re served frozen, sorta like a milkshake.
If milk doesn’t quite do it for you, you can bypass the milk bar and head straight for Oga’s Cantina, much like the spot where we first met Han Solo. As you might have guessed, Oga’s is run by Oga Garra, a Blutopian. The Cantina is found in Black Spire Outpost on planet Batuu near Smuggler’s Alley, which is all recreated on Disney property for fans to enjoy. Pilot droid RX-24 is the cantina’s DJ and he’ll be spinning tunes for Disney guests as they order from a weird selection of drinks like the Fuzzy Tauntaun, the Jedi Mind Trick, and of course, the Blurrgfire, for which the establishment is known.
Cheers!
Update: Watch Sean build a custom droid and drink along with us as we visit Oga’s Cantina:
Alice may have avoided her unfortunate tumble down the rabbit hole had her mother not been such a bore. She’s reading to her in a tree from a book that doesn’t even have any pictures. Practically a textbook. No wonder Alice resoundly rejects it, and the boring, logical world that it espouses. She’s positively ripe for following a charismatic leader, or tardy hare, into a world of nonsense and nonconformity.
Alice, as it turns out, is a self-pitying, impetuous crybaby. She is such a little deviant, in fact, I wonder if 1951 audiences figured her for a commie. Now, as an adult, I can see her for the petulant spoiled brat that she is, but as I kid I was blinded by her pristine blue pinafore and her perfect blonde hair. I writhed with jealousy when my mother cast my youngest sister as Alice in our school’s entry in the Christmas parade one year. The theme was story books and our float was Wonderland-themed. My mother, god bless her overachieving soul, was determined to make a costume for each and every kid in the school who wanted to participate (not quite as terrible as it sounds: we had less than 100 students). There were caterpillars and psychedelic flowers, the white rabbit of course, and a mad hatter. And dozens of people trailed the float as either story books of a different ilk, or members of the Queen of Hearts’ playing card army. The Queen was played by the school’s tiniest, most taciturn teacher – a part she was born to play, but I don’t know how my mother proposed the idea without being threatened with her own beheading. Meanwhile, as the eldest daughter who routinely ‘took one for the team’, I walked in front of the float, just me and my childhood crush carrying our school’s banner. We were dressed as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I don’t remember which one I was, but pictures would prove clarifying as my little propeller hat identified me rather firmly. We lacked a proper costume from the neck down and were compelled to wear matching California Raisin costumes for uniformity, and perhaps just flat-out maximum humiliation. My mother must have WANTED me to hate my sister. She made it fairly impossible not to.
Anyway, if I sound bitter in this review, it’s because I am.
Drinking helps, which is fortunate, because Sean, Matt and I are in Disney World for the forseeable future, where we’ll have ample opportunity to meet Alice, should we want to. She hangs out by the teacups ride which is actually called the Mad Tea Party, and is often accompanied by a Mad Hatter at the very least. When I visited the park with my sister back in February (NOT the one who played Alice), she turned an alarming shade of green as her 4 year old son put an extra spin on our trip. But should we miss her in Magic Kingdom, she also hangs out in Epcot, in the U.K. pavilion, directly across from the Yorkshire County Fish Shop in The Tea Caddy Gardens. Mary Poppins can often be seen strolling about with a parasol on her arm in the U.K. portion of the World Showcase. Other countries have their own princesses: Belle in France, Anna and Elsa in Norway, Mulan in China, Jasmine in Morocco. There are no princesses in the Canadian pavilion, just a bunch of poutine and some maple-flavoured popcorn (though I sort of think Duke Caboom should hang out there, revving his motorcycle).
The World Showcase is fun in many ways, not least of all because you can literally drink your way around it, with each country providing many samples of their finest hooch. There are margaritas in Mexico and prosecco in Italy and Oktoberfest beers in Germany. Because I’m ambitious, and mean, I intend to subject Sean to this booze tour, so I’ll take the opportunity to suggest you visit our Twitter feed at @AssholeMovies because there are 11 countries and countless opportunities to get your drink on, including an alcoholic popsicle stand, and a Frozen-themed blue lemonade spiked with moonshine. I predict Sean will need propping up by the time we hit Japan.
Anyway, please pardon my little digression. Back to the movie. I’m still rather astounded at how much they got away with, stuff that feels like pretty blatant drug references to me, counterculture stuff that seems out of place in a Disney movie, especially one with a little girl for a protagonist. I mean, she literally eats mushrooms.
The Cheshire Cat sounds awfully familiar – like Winnie The Pooh really, without much embellishment. I check IMDB and I’m right: Sterling Holloway voiced both. He was also Mr. Stork, in Dumbo, adult Flower in Bambi, Kaa the snake in Jungle Book, and Roquefort in The Aristocats. Disney’s casting certainly was incestuous. Sean and I ate at the Cheshire cafe last time we were in Disney, and we can certainly recommend the Cat Tail, and the Wonderland slushy. This time we’ll be dining WITH Winnie the Pooh (can you stand the excitement?) – and his pal Tigger too!
This movie actually takes from Lewis Carroll’s two Alice books, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (fun fact: I once saw a Looking Glass play in Stratford starring a young Sarah Polley, then known as Canada’s sweetheart for roles in Ramona and Road to Avonlea). Alice is here voiced by Kathryn Beaumont, who also voiced Wendy in Peter Pan, and continued to do so until her retirement in 2005 (reminder: this movie came out in 1951!). You can still hear Beaumont narrating the Mad Tea Party ride to this day in Disneyland. That’s her here, providing a live action reference for Disney animators.
And somewhere in the Disney parks, I am currently the live action reference for a grown woman having far too much fun.
[In fact, I believe today we are attempting to ‘Drink Around the World’ in Epcot. Epcot’s World Showcase has 11 country pavillions and we’ll be grabbing a drink in each one. Sounds like potential disaster! Why not keep tabs on us via Twitter – @AssholeMovies, and be sure to play along on the Disney Bingo card.]
Update: Watch the Assholes accept the Drink Around the World Epcot challenge – and watch us demolish it???
Jim Dear gives his wife Darling a hat box for Christmas, and inside she finds a beautiful golden cocker spaniel she names Lady. Better than a hat any day. This was taken from Walt Disney’s own life – having once forgotten a dinner date with his wife, he made it up to her with a puppy and was immediately forgiven. As you would be. Take note, Sean.
The story belongs to the dogs. We rarely seen the owners’ faces, and their home is mostly seen from a dog’s eye view. It is simply told and simply felt – simple, but awfully sweet.
Lady is a well cared for, sheltered dog who’s lived an indoor life having her coat brushed until it’s lustrous and shiny, her meals served on a china dish. When she meets the Tramp, he’s a street-wise mutt who’s seen some shit. They’re opposites, but after the obligatory initial turning up of the snouts, the two can’t help but sniff each other’s butts. Which in dog speak is hot hot heat. Instant dog lust.
Would I watch a reality-based dating show featuring dogs? I really might.
But I won’t have to, thanks to Disney+, a new streaming service to rival Netflix that will host movies but also lots of new episodic programming from Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, and National Geographic. Aside from the movies you’d expect, there will be lots of new comic book content, including Ms. Marvel, She-Hulk, Moon Knight, and shows that will get to know some of the lesser-known Avengers like WandaVision, which will star Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Vision (Paul Bettany), plus Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan in The Falcon and The Winter Soldier, and something or other about Loki (Tom Hiddleston). And Jon Favreau is overseeing an extremely big-budget Star Wars series called The Mandalorian, and you can expect a spin-off of Rogue One about Rebel Alliance freedom fighter Cassian Andor with Diego Luna and Alan Tudyk reprising their roles. And rather excitingly, Ewan McGregor will once again suit up as Obi-Wan Kenobi for a series that won’t begin shooting until next year.
You might also find yourself anticipating The World According to Jeff Goldblum, a reality show featuring you know who explaining different topics. Or maybe you’re more excited about the Toy Story 4 spin-off, Forky Asks a Question. Or the “short-form unscripted” (whatever that means) Muppets comedy series unimaginatively titled Muppets Now. Or the announced series remake of High Fidelity starring Zoe Kravitz.
Personally, though, I’m in it for the new movies. And just our luck, a Lady and The Tramp live-action remake is among the first, with voices by Tessa Thompson and Justin Theroux (and Kiersey Clemons, Thomas Mann, Janelle Monae, and Sam Freaking Elliott) so you can fall in love with this movie all over again.
I’m talking about Lady and The Tramp today in particular because as you may have noticed, Matt, Sean and I are at Disney World and today we’re eating dinner at Tony’s, which just happens to be the restaurant where Lady and Tramp have their adorable spaghetti dinner date in the alley out back. As far as I know, we’ll get a table inside, but spaghetti IS on the menu, and if the three of us are feeling particularly romantic, we may just be nosing meat balls at each other and two-mouthing noodles to meet in the middle. Do tune in to Twitter @AssholeMovies to see the things you cannot unsee, and check out the new Lady and The Tramp on Disney+ November 12.
p.s. I hope you’re all playing along with our Disney Bingo card.
ASSHOLES WATCHING MOVIES 