Tag Archives: Jeff Goldblum

Top 10 Cameos of 2018

10. Nick Offerman, Bad Times at the El Royale: To be honest, this slot could have gone to any cameo that Nick Offerman was doing, such is my love for the man. But having him appear in this tiny role is a brilliant move, because it signals to viewers that this piece of film will be more important than it seems, and it heightens the reveal when we start putting the pieces together.

9. Terry Crews, Sorry To Bother You: I hardly recognized him with all this hair! I love Terry Crews, and this cameo was superbly well-timed for the climate of 2018, only adding to the movie’s timeliness and social necessity. Crews plays Sergio, Cash’s uncle, who is losing his house but still allowing Cash to live there, despite the constantly missing rent. Sergio is to Cash what Crews is to all of us – affable and dependable.

8. Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic World: Though his screen time is small, his impact is big. Of course this is the cameo we all wanted and needed when Jurassic Park was getting a reboot. We had to wait for the sequel of course – was it worth it? No! We wanted more. And to be honest, this second Jurassic World could have used a stabilizing effect. Long live Jeff Goldblum, best-selling jazz musician, fyi.

7. Mike Myers, Bohemian Rhapsody: To be honest, I’m 100% over Mike Myers, like miles and miles past, and yet even I had to admit this was good casting. It’s a tiny role, but an interesting one. He plays a record executive who tells Queen that Bohemian Rhapsody is worthless. “We need a song teenagers can bang their heads to in a car. Bohemian Rhapsody is not that song.” Mike Myers is, of course, one half of Wayne’s World, the movie that sent Bohemian Rhapsody back up the charts doing that exact thing.

6. Dave Franco, If Beale Street Could Talk: I’m not sure how Dave Franco came to be in Barry Jenkins’ film, but I understand why they kept it under wraps. He’s one of the more recognizable names in the young cast, but no one wants to take away from the leads and their impressive accomplishments in this film. Franco’s scene is among my favourite (though admittedly, it’s a looooong list). He’s showing apartments to he young, expectant couple, who are imagining their lives there. Fonny recruits him to do the pretend heavy lifting as they move in the invisible furniture and dream of their future.

5. Goldie Hawn, The Christmas Chronicles: The minute Kurt Russell as Santa Claus starts referring to the Mrs. (Claus, that is), we start hoping for a Goldie cameo, and by god we got one. It’s a Christmas miracle! And just like Russell gives us hot Santa, Goldie makes Mrs. Claus into a real babe. And to round out the family experience, Goldie’s son Oliver Hudson has a small role as well.

4. Brad Pitt, Deadpool 2: Pitt actually considered playing Cable until scheduling conflicts meant he couldn’t commit, but fans loved his ultra-brief role as The Vanisher. Pitt wasn’t the only cameo, just the only recognizable one: buddy Matt Damon also appeared, but under heavy prosthetics. That guy loves a good cameo!

3. T-rex, Ready Player One: It was tough for Steven Spielberg to direct a book adaptation that referenced himself and his movies so heavily. He edited many out (and his production team left some in, as Easter eggs), but a few were undeniable, and for me, the T-rex was superbly done and a thrill to see. Seriously though, probably everyone has a favourite cameo from this movie, and there are hundreds to choose from.

2. Samuel L. Jackson, Life Itself: This was an indulgent little pleasure right at the beginning of the movie that establishes Life Itself as something to question constantly and watch apprehensively. But it’s Samuel L. Jackson, a man that can lend his coolness to any project he chooses.

1.  Stan Lee, Ralph Breaks the Internet: Stan Lee made plenty of cameos in 2018, as he’s done for many years, but since Ralph is animated, and not a Marvel movie, I wasn’t expecting to see him pop up in this. We saw this screening just 3 days after he died, and his cameo inspired a theatre-wide hush in respect for the great man, fallen.

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Hotel Artemis

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2018. The city is in its third day of violent riots. The people are demanding access to clean water. The power is flickering, a curfew is in effect, rich people are sending servants to deposit “lootable” goods at the bank. Which means there’s all the more for a bank robber (Sterling K. Brown) with an entrepreneurial spirit to steal. Unfortunately he and his gang of merry men escape with both bullet wounds and an accidental $18M in diamonds that ruthless mob boss Wolf King (Jeff Goldblum) is definitely going to come searching for.

But first things first: with his own brother bleeding in his arms, our intrepid bank robber checks in at the Hotel Artemis, a “dark room”, or a high-security, members-only hospital for the criminal underground. I believe they’ve ripped this idea directly from the John Wick movies, but it’s a good one. There, the doctor, who is called Nurse (Jodie Foster) is guided by a very strict set of rules:

1. While on the premises, no fighting with or killing other patients.

2. No disrespectful words or actions allowed against Hotel Artemis staff.

3. No guns or any type of weapon permitted through the gates.

4. Membership must be paid for, full and in advance.

5. Prior but lapsed members will not be admitted

6. No photography or video allowed.

7. No outside food or drink.

8. Absolutely no visitors.

9. If member is found to have compromised, or led to compromise of location, membership will be revoked.

10. Hotel Artemis rules are final and non-negotiable.

Tonight, with both the police, the rioters, and the Wolf King’s men bearing down on them, the brimming with injured criminals, no-vacancy hospital will come under siege, its only protector a dedicated health care practitioner named Everest (Dave Bautista), and every one of these rules will be broken.

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With such a potent premise and an A-list cast, Sean was curious as to why he was only hearing about this now. Usually, there’s only one answer: it’s no good. But actually, it’s not bad. Maybe not good, but it depends what you’re looking for. At times it reminded of Ben Wheatley’s High-Rise with all these people stuck in a building that’s starting to resemble hell. But Hotel Artemis has more modest ambitions, and if you start to get an inkling of an allegory, well, it’ll be dashed soon enough so don’t expend too much brain power on it. Sit back and enjoy the villainous Jeff Goldblum (which is THE BEST Jeff Goldblum, isn’t it?) and the kick-ass Sofia Boutella and Jodie Foster in an actual role, an actual meaty, outside-the-box role (her first since Elysium!). Of course, the downside to a cast like this is that we don’t spend oodles of time with any of them (the movie has a trim 94 minute run-time) but when Bautista calmly unclips his hospital badge from its prominent breast-pocket display and pockets it, oh hell, you know you’re in for some fireworks and it doesn’t matter if we’ve gotten to know all the players because they’re about to become hunks of meat only suitable for stewing.

So maybe it’s disposable. Fuck it. You’re not watching for the depth of the satire, are you? No, you’re watching it because someone’s about to get PAPER-JAMMED TO DEATH (wait for it) and goddamn if you can’t look away from that.

SXSW: Isle of Dogs

Read the title out loud and kind of quick, and it’s hardly distinguishable from “I love dogs” but the conflict in the film actually comes from not loving them enough. A city in Japan has a dog-hating mayor who selfishly spreads lies and rhetoric about the dog flu, and gets and\or manufactures enough support that he succeeds in banishing all dogs to Trash Island.

As most of you know (because my bursting heart can’t shut up about it), I’m lucky enough to share my life and home with four of the sweetest doggies in the world. I Isle of Dogs 1 via Fox Searchlight Headersometimes wonder if I prefer dogs to people, and I certainly do prefer my dogs to most people. I think dogs are so much better than we deserve. They are 100% heart. So it’s hard for me to imagine a bunch of dog owners so willing to sentence their dogs to a terrible, lonely, miserable life and death. Of the thousands (hundreds of thousands?) of dogs sent to live and die on Trash Island, only one is lucky enough to have an owner come looking for him – a 12 year old boy named Atari. When Atari becomes stranded on the island, a scruffy pack of dogs generously decides to help him find his beloved Spots. Duke (Jeff Goldblum), King (Bob Balaban), Rex (Ed Norton), Boss (Bill Murray), and even the reluctant Chief (Bryan Cranston) band together to reunite boy and dog on a journey that you  might just say belongs in a Wes Anderson movie.

And it is a Wes Anderson movie, horray! So of course it’s got some truly absorbing attention to detail, a sweet soundtrack, and a poignancy verging on nostalgia. Like Fantastic Mr. Fox, Isle of Dogs is beautifully rendered in stop-motion animation. Each dog puppet is a thing of beauty, with fur (made of alpaca hair, apparently) so pettable and little noses that you’re sure are moist to the touch. Their expressive eyes bore into you, and as Bob Balaban so eloquently put it during the Q&A following the film, it could have been a silent film and still been just as affecting.

As saturated as they are aesthetically, some may argue that Wes Anderson movies are ultimately style over substance. Isle of Dogs has some pretty obvious themes about mass hysteria and maybe even fake news, but for me the takeaway is simply to love better – dare I say, more like a dog, fully, and with devotion.

Thor: Ragnarok

post_master-thor-960x540The Marvel Cinematic Universe is so bloated by this point that it’s a full-time job to keep up with what’s going on.  Thankfully, Thor: Ragnarok doesn’t get bogged down in what’s come before.  Instead, the third installment in the Thor franchise tells a self-contained story and shifts Thor’s segment of the universe from dreary fantasy mode to action-comedy mode.  From a cameo by Matt Damon that I totally missed, to a Taika-Waititi-voiced blue rock monster, to Hulk and Thor arguing over everything and anything, Ragnarok is the funniest apocalypse movie you will likely ever see (sorry, Zombieland!).

My only complaint, really, is that the plot got in the way of the fun.  Every time the scene shifted to the problems Cate Blanchett’s Hela was creating in Asgard, all I wanted was to get back to the wacky trash world where Thor and Hulk had crash-landed.  I guess this movie had to justify its existence by advancing the plot and having big stakes but I would have gladly spent the whole run time hanging out with my new favourite Avengers (who I am happy to report have now started their own spin-off team).

Anyone who has enjoyed Taika Waititi’s past work will not be disappointed by Thor: Ragnarok.  If you haven’t enjoyed Waititi’s work, you’re probably on the wrong site, and if you haven’t seen his other stuff, then do!!!  Start with Thor: Ragnarok and go from there.

As he always does, Waititi will introduce you to madcap supporting characters whose main purpose is to make you laugh, and even better, he will show us that Thor and Hulk have actual personalities.  Purists may take issue as those two characters are notoriously dull, but I thought it was a fantastic improvement that should be carried forward into the next 40 or 50 Marvel movies that apparently are still to come.  Comic book movies should be bright, colourful and fun, and Thor: Ragnarok is all of those things from start to finish.  Go see it!

 

Independence Day: Resurgence

Will Smith was right to avoid this one.  Honestly, he must be embarrassed for his likeness to have made a brief appearance in this debacle.  Jeff Goldblum should feel even worse for having taken the money to appear in this thing.  Independence Day: Resurgence is every bit as terrible as you’ve heard.  Now that it’s on Netflix, I felt I had to check it out to be sure.  I am writing this solely to ensure you don’t make the same mistake.

Independence Day: Resurgid4ence starts out terribly and does not improve one bit.  If anything it gets dumber as it goes, by taking us to a moonbase, then having an alien ship that measures 3,000 miles across sneak past all Earth’s defences, and then creating a totally unnecessary back story for the aliens involving a different alien/robot/spaceship.  Well, totally unnecessary except that it conveniently sets up a sequel!  Do me a favour and stay off Kickstarter if you think a third Independence Day sounds like a good idea.

It’s just a mess.  Like peeing your pants, which two of our heroes admit to doing after one of several mediocre action scenes.  Billy Madison made peeing your pants cool, but Liam Hemsworth and Travis Tope prove here they cannot pull off the same thing.  Not that I could pull it off either but at least I know enough not to try.  Despite what my love of comic book movies may suggest, I’m not six years old.

If you are still on fence about this movie then I’ve failed, and in that case I have to wonder whether you were worth saving anyway.   Independence Day: Resurgence gets a score of 3 soiled undies out of ten.

The Vegas Chronicles: Independence Day

Being Canadian, we tend not to celebrate the 4th of July. This 4th, however, we happen to be in Vegas, which tends to celebrate everything. And it just so happens that tonight we’re at the Cosmopolitan hotel for their “dive-in” movie night, where you can watch movies on a giant screen from the comfort of their swimming pool (a necessity when the dry desert heat’s been sweltering around the 115-degree mark).

You probably know that there’s an Independence Day sequel in theatres right now, but tonight we’re kicking it old school and watching the original which independence-daycame out – gulp – 20 years ago. 20 years! To put that in context, filming at LAX was delayed because of a threat from the Unabomber. The Unabomber! And re-shoots were done on the day the OJ Simpson verdict was announced. And it was referenced in Aileen Wuornos’s (Monster) last words, as she was executed.  That’s a long time ago. So long that the movie held two weird records: first, a record for most special effects shots that has since been pulverized a billion times, and second, for most miniature models to appear in one film. That second one really dates it for you, because CGI was so expensive and so primitive that models were still the way to go. A tiny 1\12 White House was built (about 10 feet by 5 feet) just so they could blow it up. And now because of advances in technology, this record will probably stand forever.

The hype for this movie was huge. HUGE. So big it intimidated Steven Spielberg into cancelling his plans to make War of the Worlds (obviously it turned into a 9 year delay rather than an outright cancellation, but still). They spent $24 million dollars on advertising alone, but when it opened it smashed all the records (most of which were held by 1993’s Jurassic Park). It made Will INDEPENDENCE-DAY3-thumb-615x461-92206Smith into a movie star, but he was not the first choice or even the 10th to play the role of Steven Hiller. Smith was a last minute replacement for when Kirk Cameron dropped out. You read that right: Kirk Cameron. Bruce Willis, David Duchovny, Pauley Shore, Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Sheen, and Yakov Smirnoff all passed on the role. Yakov Smirnoff, guys. Will Smith was lower on the list than Yakov Smirnoff. Although, there’s clearly a screw loose in the casting department – Kevin Spacey was passed over in favour of Bill Pullman since Spacey lacked movie-star potential, they thought.

The new movie has a budget of $200 million, compared to the original’s being “just” $75M. Even with all that money, they still couldn’t afford to get Will Jeff-Goldblum-and-Liam-Hemsworth-in-Independence-Day-ResurgenceSmith back  (he demanded $50M) so the sequel will be Smithless. It’ll also be Mae Whitmanless. She played the president’s daughter in the first and her role has be recast. She’s been largely silent about being replaced but both fans and Mae’s friend Anna Kendrick have been outspoken about her perhaps not being “conventionally pretty” enough for the part. Perhaps she could call up Kevin Spacey for some consolation pie? Or better yet, Susan Sarandon, who was offered a substantial part but turned it down, having found the script to be “incomprehensible.”

Anyway. The Assholes are still in Vegas, and still watching movies, even on vacation. It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta live it.

 

 

 

Follow us on Twitter (@assholemovies) to see what a dive-in movie on the Vegas strip looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Missed Him Again?!?!: Annie Hall and Why Jeff Goldblum is my Polkaroo

According to IMDB and the closing credits of Annie Hall, Jeff Goldblum appears in the film’s LA party scene and I always forget to watch out for him. Watching the credits about twenty minutes later, I always throw up my hands in frustration thinking “I missed him again?!?!”

Annie Hall

Annie Hall has a lot of moments like that. It’s another movie that I make a point of revisiting about once a year and, unlike Citizen Kane, I rarely look forward to it. I seem to keep remembering Woody Allen’s examination of a relationship that’s run its course as more depressing than it actually is. I remember Alvy’s anxieties, Annie’s depression, and how sad it is to watch these two inevitably grow apart. Sure, this is 1977 Woody Allen (long before his movies started becoming no fun at all) so there are lots of laughs throughout to make it all go down easier but surely I must see all those coming by now.

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What I keep forgetting, besides that I’m supposed to be on Goldblum watch, is how many funny moments Allen works in. Some are funny because they’re true, others because they’re outrageous, but nearly every scene hsa something to laugh about. So many of them still catch me off guard after all these years. This time it was “You’re what my Grammy would call a real Jew” that really got me. I even somehow forgot all about Christopher Walken’s scene. There really are a lot of gifts for the audience in this movie and, watching it  today, I realize what a positive note it ends on. I’m already looking forward to next year.

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You won’t get away from me next time, Jeff Goldblum!